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Three things:

First, you asked how I dealt with those feelings of trying to "change" my boyfriend. With the last guy I dated, eventually it got so bad that I had to break it off. At first, the issues were secondary to the passionate love I had for him. We were both in high school, so I was pretty inexperienced and was just happy to be in love. After we graduated, though, I started to realize that his lifestyle was totally different then mine. He had quit smoking and started up again (which I HATED!), he ate terribly and was gaining a lot of weight, he dropped out of college after a year claiming that he didn't need a degree to make good money, and barely scraped by on a part-time job. For as much as I loved him, I couldn't see myself spending my life with someone who was so unhealthy (I'm a vegetarian!), didn't want to get a college education, and had no career goals or idea of what to do with his future. I tried to encourage his education, tried to help him quit smoking, and tried to help him look more professional so he could apply for jobs, but I realized that I was just trying to make him into something he wasn't. Because he had no schooling, no real job, and few friends, I was the person he always came to. He would get angry if I wanted to spend my free time with my college friends. Even so, I cared for him so much and had convinced myself that I wanted to marry him, so we persisted in the relationship a good 6 months past when we should have broken up. Finally, entering my junior year of college, I got SO frustrated with him and his lack of motivation. We were fighting and he said "you know, maybe we should break up!" And so, right there at the most unexpected time, we did. He regretted it and tried to get back together, but I have never felt more free as I did driving home that day. After two and a half years I was free to meet people, date again, and didn't have to spend all my energy trying to make him into something he wasn't. If this girl's lifestyle (and that urge to change her!) is driving you crazy, eventually it will get so bad that you will break up and will be relieved to do so. It's not a matter of love at all, but it IS a matter of finding someone with your same view on what a life should be like. Like I said, my current guy has a few flaws that drive me nuts, but they are all things that (after 3 years) are just a part of who he is and are things I can totally accept. I may not LIKE these things about him, but I think it's unrealistic to expect that everything about him will be the same as me. I love him like a member of my family...unconditionally...but I also respect him, despite his flaws.

Second thing: I have a much better insight into your issue now that you have explained that the girls you are fantasizing about are people on TV. There is NOTHING wrong with that....it's healthy and normal and kind of cute, I think! :) It's natural for guys to get turned on by good looking people....it's not like you want to be with them because you are in love with them, right? In fact, it makes perfect sense. When you are fighting with your girlfriend, it's difficult to want to think about her sexually until the fight is resolved. So, you fantasize about famous people. That's MUCH healthier then thinking about her best friend or someone you met at work....those are the thoughts that deal with how you feel emotionally about people, and that's a danger zone. I personally don't think you have anything to worry about with that issue.

Thirdly, the more you talk about this girl, the more I can understand why she drives you crazy. Leaving the stove on while she's out of the house? That's irresponsible and just plain stupid. She is old enough to know better, and this flakiness would drive me just as crazy as you. It sounds like she is staying at your place, and you work hard to afford this place and want it to be nice. I'm the same way with my car...I'm paying for it, so I want people to treat it really well. Does your girlfriend pay any sort of rent to live there? She DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY should be, in my opinion. If I moved in with someone, I would offer to pay half....so should she. She is wellll old enough to be making enough money to help pay for a place, and if she did have to pay then she would take some of the same ownership you do and would be much more careful and prideful about the way the place looks. I think if her money is going into the place, she will be more responsible. And, it would be a relief on you and would show you that she can be serious and organized.

Anyway, those are some thoughts. You really are an articulate person and are a catch for this girl. It sounds to me like she is very immature and unreasonable about these issues, and perhaps needs a little encouragement (ie. paying rent!)to get her act together. If she doesn't, you may get so frustrated that you have to end it. That might not be the worst thing for either of you...maybe she will start working on becoming responsible, and you can find someone who has their act together. Best wishes!





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