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Hiya,

I feel kind-of strange writing this, but here goes. Over the past month or so, my boyfriend has had completely irrational fears that I have been going behind his back and having torrid love affairs with other men. At first, I understood (somewhat) where he was coming from, as he had a sibling whose significant other cheated on them. It was extremely difficult for the family to go through, and didn't happen too long ago. I understand that he was FEARS of this happening, in general, but over the past month, these fears have developed into finger-pointing and outright accusations towards me. These accusations are all completely unfounded. Just this week (a few days ago and then tonight), my boyfriend confronted me and asked if I were sleeping with someone else. On one occasion, he actually thought that after he dropped me off at home at 3am, that I had run out to be with some other person. When I tried to defend myself and tell him that I wasn't doing any of these things, he looked straight at me and said "I think you're lying". After a couple of hours of talking things through, he realized that I WASN'T doing anything behind his back and apologized profusely. Tonight...er...(this is kind-of graphic), he thought that he saw someone else's "bodily fluids" on me while we were making love, and then asked me what I had been doing all day when he wasn't around (we don't live together, BTW). I couldn't believe that merely 3 days after beating this subject to the ground, and having me in tears for the duration of the eve., that he accused me again. It hurt quite badly and left me in tears again, trying to defend myself. I feel absolutely drained after these episodes. I am starting to be at a loss for what to do or say when this happens.

When he used to approach me about the subject, it was more in terms of "I'm worried about this happening, please reassure me that you're not doing anything behind my back, and please tell me if you ever want to do so". I thought his fears were a little irrational, but I understood where he was coming from, so I tried my best to reassure and comfort him as best I could. However, now when he gets confrontational about this, he starts to accuse me of all sorts of things and won't believe me until I start to cry. I feel like these accusations are so far-fetched, as we spend almost every evening together, give or take one or two nights a week, and are both working through the day at different jobs. I LOVE him completely and utterly... would never think of doing anything like this to him and am so extremely hurt that he thinks I am the type of person who would do this to him. I trust him completely, and don't know why he can't do the same. He says that he has had these ideas with other girlfriends in the past, but says that he wasn't as bothered by it happening (if it, in fact, ever did) because the past relationships weren't as serious as ours is. He says that in the end, in a funny kind of way, it shows how dedicated he is to the relationship and realizes how much he has to lose with it. I guess I understand that aspect of it, but in the end, I feel like there is nothing I can do or say that helps.

We are always able to talk through this, and he finally comes around as is able to see how irrational he is being. However, I feel like this is an issue that is going to HURT aspects of our relationship if he does not squelch some of these fears. I told him tonight that I can understand him having fears, and I am not opposed to him having them, as long as he approaces the subject in a non-accusatory manner. I would rather he say "Look, i've been worried about this lately..." rather than him saying "I think you're sleeping around...how do you explain this...(etc, etc). How do I convince my bf otherwise?

We have been with each other for about 6 months. We are very much in love, and have talked about marriage in the future, and moving out together in the fall...depending on both of our financial situations. I love him completely, and am willing to do what it takes to make this relationship strong. However, with talk of future plans, I don't want this issue (me cheating on him) spoiling a good relationship. He has to be able to trust me as his significant other, and trust himself. How to I foster this? How do I stop him accusing me of these things and how should I defend myself when he brings up this topic (which I know will happen again).

Please help...I am at a loss of what to do.






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