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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

"My gut reaction is that he never got the opprotunity to fully love his wife because he was fooling around with you. "

Panda-This is odd b/c I don't believe that he ever wanted the opportunity to love his wife. He says it should have been me all the time, but he was confused and pressured. He was with her for 1.5 years before me so he had plenty of time to love her, IMO.

1) do you really want to be with a man that cheated on his wife during his marriage and didn't really effectively give it 100% of his efforts? ANSWER:I don't know. To me it's the same question of would I be with ANY man who cheats on his girlfriend or wife?

2)I know you say he loves you, but what of the possibility that this may happen to you and he decides he's in love with someone else after he's gotten you? (or ie - will you ever to really be able to trust him or vise versa?) ANSWER:He has assured me that I am who he has always wanted and wants. The trust is something that would have to be built up again if I decide to "forgive and forget". Again, I think that ANY man is capable of leaving a woman if he so chooses.

3) is it possible that you and he are just "caught up" in the entire sneaking around aspect of your relationship and that because you guys DIDN'T effectively date as an official long time couple, that his and your feelings are still in the intense beginning stages simply because you haven't gotten to know one another. (or in other words, what I like to call the dramatic stage when your professing undying love for one another) ANSWER: This is a possibility, but I've been dealing with him for 3 years and actually, we know each other very well.

"IMO, the relationship never got to progress to deeper levels. When SOME PEOPLE are first with someone, everything is soooo passionate and things are said that seem so important at the time."

Panda-I agree with the relationship never got to progress to deeper levels, however he has said the he would die for me and my daugther at THIS stage of the relationship (2.5-3 years later), it's not like we are FIRST with each other.

In regards to the wife...even when they were engaged, he spent 90% of his time with me...even after he was married, he spent about 85% of his time with me. The week after his honeymoon, he told me that he was going to try to get it annulled (sp?). I told him that I didn't want him to get a divorce for me. I wouldn't have felt good about that. So, after trying to work it out (granted it was not at 100% effort), he now says he is just unhappy with her and knows that she wasn't who he wanted to be with. So, IMO, the wife should have seen red flags and called it off herself, but I was told the she was MADLY in love and couldn't see the forest for the trees (hmmm...maybe I can't either??)

nadine--Once again, you are correct! However, I don't think I am of ashamed of HIM...I am ashamed of ME and how I've carried on with him. I agree that I may not love him as much as I think. I don't know if I know how to do any soul searching. Any suggestions? I am seeing a therapist next week. It's all too much for me right now. But, I did bring it on myself so....

Thanks ya'll!

[This message has been edited by PAISLEY (edited 05-01-2003).]

[This message has been edited by PAISLEY (edited 05-01-2003).]

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