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The impossible EX!
May 12, 2003
This is going to be a little long so please bear with me. My boyfriend and I (if you can call him that) have known each other for 6 years. I'm 25 and he's 28. We've always had a special connection but despite this, we've never been able to sustain a relationship for very long. However, even after being with other people, time and time again we come back to each other and every time our connection is stronger and stronger. I love him with all my heart and I believe deep down he loves me as well although he's too hurt and disillusioned to think he could make a relationship work long term.

This all stems from a relationship he had with his ex, the mother of his son. When we broke up 4 years ago, I was in University, wanting to live my life and working towards my objectives. We were not in the same place in our lives although since he has also met his career objectives. He met her shortly after we broke up and they entered into a very serious, instant relationship. Due to certain circumstances, she moved in with him almost immediately. At the time, she had just turned 19 and he was 24. She was working in a dead end job, having quit highschool. Don't ask me what he saw in her! Because he came from an unhappy home where ultimately his parents divorced and his father left the family never to be heard from again when he was about 19, he desperately wanted a family of his own and I think she seemd maleable enough and a virgin.. what he's always wanted. He thought he found the perfect woman for him in her but the relationship turned sour within 6 months. She moved out, after about a month they got back together and she moved back in. After another year, they broke up again, and we were together for about 3 months... Things didn't work out, and he got back together with her. All along, she's been the one desperately wanting the relationship to work and I believe willing to do anything to trap him. Surprise, surprise, after a couple of months, she became pregnant. I fully believe it was intentional. In an honest attempt to make the relationship work and to make the best of the situation, they tried their best. They bought a house, had the baby, he had the life he'd always dreamed of. It killed me inside to know that he was with her and that they had a baby together but I came to terms that things were over between us and that I needed to move on with my life. However, within 6 months of her having the baby it became crystal clear that it wasn't going to work out. This entire time, I stayed out of their lives, knowing that I would only interfere in their relationship, and wanting that baby to have the best possible chance at a happy life. However, the two of them had a very tumultuous relationship, filled with screaming arguments, crying fits on her part and a very unhappy home overall. He stuck in there for 2 years trying to make it work for the baby's sake. He loves that child more than anything in the world and he's an incredible father. When the child was 15 months old, we started speaking again. All along, we've had common friends, his sister in law is one of my best friends but we managed to avoid each other because his girlfriend/fiance hated me and did not want to be in the same room with me. She basically blamed me for a majority of their problems despite the fact that I was completely out of their lives..

When we started speaking again, we discovered that our friendship and connection was still there and we wanted to be together. I was in no way responsible for their break up or him moving out. He was ready to leave way before I ever entered the picture.

We've been together for the last year and a half although SHE doesn't know because she is so psychotic she will loose her mind even more if she knew. She is obsessed with him. I don't even know if it's love, it has to be an unhealthy obsession. She obviously knows that we are very close and that I spend time with her son and it kills her inside. Once, her son called her by my name, Ana and she threw a fit. Another time when he went to pick up his son, she found pictures of me holding her son in his car and blew up in the worst possible way and started drinking vodka straigt from a bottle (real classy lady, what can I say). I feel sorry for her but at the same time, she had her chance. She (along with him as well) destroyed their relationship and had every chance to make it work. They bring out the worst in each other. WIth me he is different. We can talk, connect, have a normal relationship. I feel like now it's finally our chance and I want us to be together. I love his son as if he were my own and hold absolutely no resentment against him. I know he wants to have a future with me but I think he's scared that he will create more dreams for the future, goals, etc. and they will all blow up in smoke like his previous relationship. Slowly he's starting to belive in us more in more but she is making our lives hell.

She makes him feel so guilty for leaving and tries to tell him that he ruined her life. She loves her child, I have no doubt about that but she hates the idea of me being around him.. which is normal except to a certain extent I think she HAS to come to terms with it. He moved out a year and a half ago and she has made NO attempt to move on with her life. She tries to lure him back every chance she gets with guilt trips and trips down memory lane. She went through a phase where she wouldn't let him see his son. She decides when he can see him and when he can't. She is the most hateful, jealous and manipulative person I know.

I guess after this very long description, what I'm asking for is a little advice. How do we deal with this? What can I do to make this situation better? I admit that I make his life difficult by being upset when he goes there to visit with his son or when he gives in to her manipulations... but I'm only human. What can we do to make her realize that she needs to move on??? He's tried and tried to explain to her that there's no future for them and she needs to understand that but she refuses to. He cannot make it any clearer.. at the same time, he's not as strong as he could be. He has this deep seeded guilt for leaving his son and she plays on that. She keeps saying that a child needs both his parents and that his son needs a mom and a dad, etc. etc. the list goes on. Please help!! I am also not against hearing from women who ARE the exes. I want to hear all perspectives. This situation is out of control.

[This message has been edited by ana_24 (edited 05-12-2003).]





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