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This is long, but I havne't seen anyone post any problem that is quite like mine. I am hoping that some people can relate to me and help!

My current situation has me up in arms. I am a 26 year old female, and I am living at home with my parents. I have lived on my own for a few years, while away at school, and for awhile in a few other countries while working. Recently, I have come back to live at home as I have a small loan to pay off from school, have a serious bf, and I am currently looking for a full-time job related to my education. I have been faithfully looking for work day in and day out, and some leads and interviews have come up, however I don't have a bean to my name, which is why I am living back at home. I live with my mother, father, and older sister (by 2 years).

Now, I am in a long-term relationship with someone. We are planning a future together, however we are both still young and saving money...trying to become a bit more financially stable before this all happens. The guY I am with has a bit more saved up than I do at this point, as he has been working steadily at a job for a year. I, on the other hand, have been out of school for a year...however I have been working in a few different countries and travelling along the way (I haven't been slacking off my responsibilites of making & saving money, however...went I went out of country for the first job, time I worked exclusively for a few months at thisjob, and made absolute ~peanuts~ doing it, therefore not saving any real money. I went away again, for a few months, to another country, and worked the job that I did as it was my first shot at working at a career related to my education..the travelling was minimal and secondary...my lack of money had more to do with the fact that I was living in one of the most expensive cities in the world). I came back home as I wasn't saving any money, while I was getting experience in my field, and wanted to start making some money, saving funds, paying off my loan, and settling down. All in all, I have lived on my own for 2.5 years. Another reason that it is difficult to come back home, nevermind the fact that I have some crazy, outdated expectations of me.

Now, my parents have always been conservative, however I thought that my sister might have broken the ice with her ways when she was younger (heh heh). We are both, actually, in serious relationships. As for the guy I am with, we have talked about moving in together, marriage, etc...(although marriage is in the distant future). Essentially, we know that we want to be together and it's going to happen..it's just a matter of when we can both save enough money to make it possible. I've been with this guy for 7 months..and we spend quite a lot of time together. I have been open and honest with my parents about this relationship and what it entails (something I have not done in the past with other, serious relationships..as this is not my first). My bf and I have also travelled overseas together for a bit. My parents were OK with this (prob. because I was living on my own at the time and they couldn't do much about it). My dad generally seems OK with things (at least he doesn't get in my face about it), while my mom tends to kick up a stink *whenever* I go out (usually with my boyfriend). She will get really pouty and quiet when I tell her I am going out after supper, and say things to guilt me into staying home like, "Oh. You're going out again tonight? I never get to see you." And then she won't say goodbye to me when I leave. Sometimes I get nasty note in the morning about how late I have been out the night before. She calls home almost everyday from her work to see what i am doing, what job leads i have, and WHAT I am doing in the eve. If I am going out, I will tell her...however she ~conveniently~ forgets when she gets home and will ask me again (so that she can get mad at me all over again!), in an irritated voice, what my plans are for the eve. We have had a few arguments over this...essentially because she tried to place a curfew on me (although it wasn't the time that I was getting home at that was bothering my mom, per se...it was more of the fact that I was going out all of the time PERIOD!). I told her that I would be a bit more cautious during the week (although the way I see it, if my bf and I can handle seeing each other until the wee hours of the morning and still be functional at work at other aspects of our lives, all the more power to us). I also told her that we would make time to be with each other during the week, and I spend one night at home a week with my parents and will talk with my mom, spend quality time with her. I think this is reasonable. My mom has backed off a little bit in that respect, but still guilts me about this at least once or twice a week. I know that she is moody...part of it IS hormonal (she has said), although a LARGE part has to do with her (I feel) clinging onto having us home at all times. Now, the funny part is that she doesn't do this with my sister as much...only with me. Could be because I am her youngest, but all the same, it bothers me. Now, the other aspect to some of her restrictive ways is that I am not allowed to stay over at my bf's place during the week. I guess I COULD do it, but that would cause a LOT of fighting at our house. My bf and I will go away on the weekends, occasionally (my mom gets bent out of shape about this), and once or twice on one weekend night, I have told my parents, flat out, that I am staying over at his place. Again, got a lot of guilt for that, mostly by my mom. A couple of times my bf has stayed over at my place (due to the fact that he forgot his key to go back home)...my parents willingly and kindly put him up in the guest bedroom.

So...the next point is that my bf's parents are not like this at all. They are quite open about letting me stay over, and even wonder why I don't stay over during the week and on some weekends, instead of leaving at 3 or 4am to drive home. It is silly because my bf and I are at the point in our relationship, I think, that we are emotionally ready to move in together and spend our nights together on a daily basis. Financially, however, we are not (at least, I'm not). My bf gets frustrated over this because, as he sees it, I am a very responsible adult (as is he) and we are trying to build a life together. We are both the same age. It is getting to the point where we are BOTH frustrated, but in some ways he doesn't understand why I can't just tell my parents that we are going to spend most of our nights together. I try to tell him that it is different with girls as opposed to boys (he grew up with two older brothers, I grew up with an older sister). The dynamics and protectiveness are just different.

Until we are able to move out together (probably in another YEAR), this is going to continue to be the issue..me and him not able to stay over at each other's place very often, due to my parent's restrictive policies (even at my age) and my mom's guilty ways. I should also mention that my mom's mom used to guilt my mother into staying with her all of the time and taking care of her. My parent's, after they were first married, were advised by other family members to move away from the city where my grandmother lived so that my parents could make their own life and that my mother wouldn't get guilted by my grandmother all of the time. Scarily enough, I see this pattern repeating in my mother.

What do I do? Should I demand more freedom? Should I try to get my bf to understand that my family dynamics are just plain different than his, and that nothing's going to change? I have already tried talking to my mom on several occasions. She backs off for a bit and then comes back full-force again. I should also mention that I was never brought up in a religious household, just a strict one. My parents also adore my bf... it is just that I get trouble from my parents (mom in particular), when I spend late nights out with him, or spend a night every once in a blue moon with him.

Please...does anyone else have any of the same experiences. How do I get my mom and dad out of this 1950's mindset?! They were married at 21, they should understand!! To everyone else, what advice can you give me? Please help!

[This message has been edited by blurr (edited 05-29-2003).]

[This message has been edited by blurr (edited 05-29-2003).]





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