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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth. -- Robert Southey

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. -- George Bernard Shaw

Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. -- John Lennon


You seem to understand the relationship issues from your point of view very well at the age of twenty-four, as a confusion of interests, or a conflict of interests.

You offer that you have fallen in love with a younger student who wants to continue on in "graduate school for the next few years." I can't imagine any parent who would not want the best comforts possible for their son's provisional success, when it does not really cost them anything: "My boyfriend's family has been incredibly supportive and are so excited about this change for us."

You have certainly accommodated your intentions, at considerable expense to yourself: "he's made it clear that he feels I am the one for him but he is not ready because he still feels like a student. I can totally understand, because I wasn't ready to marry him right out of college either. This hasn't been much of an issue." Obviously, it is an aging issue, a relationship issue, and a moral issue. You offer that the two of you have something of a three-plus year relationship together that facilitates more of the same, M.S.; after practically living together, with the possibility of a marriage option "somewhere down the road."

The personalized views you offer from the vantage point of others is somewhat contradicting in that your parents are obviously concerned about your welfare, more so than you might care to realize or understand in your present circumstances and situation. Pro-visional agreements and commitments are never an issue when you have totally accommodated another's needs as your wishes for their companionship, company, and comfort. Have you given any thought to the possibility that you just might be burning the candle at both ends, at your personal expense; not to mention the expense of your family?

Although you offer that your father does not say very much about anything in regards to your personal choices, "silent running" so to speak, and that your mother is emotional about the growing up of her daughters, this does not necessarily mean that they are for or against the choices you intend to make, or that they are holding you back. You ex-claim: "However, my parents have really ruined all the excitement of this experience for me."

Still waters do run deep...perhaps flawlessly indicating to you that your parents are acting as a "fail safe" measure on your behalf, stalling for a little more time and experience and wisdom on your part: "I think my mom is suffering through empty nest syndrome. Still, it's making things extremely hard for me to leave.."

Perhaps the one who is really having "the problem in leaving" is you --despite all of your protests to the contrary. In other words, why the rush to abandon your own potential as a young and talented woman with outstanding possibilities of her own making: "However, I am feeling absolutely NO support. The teachers and students at my school are devastated that I'm leaving....the kids are crying all over the place. Between home and school I'm starting to feel like I died or something!"

Growing up is not easy: "I feel like if I had encouragement at home, I could feel free and happy to pursue the life that my heart is telling me to go for. Right now, I feel like I'm nothing but a disappointment..."

Reconsidered: "I feel like they are trying SO HARD to accept me leaving and to accept that I have fallen in love, but the pressure and sadness that is constantly surrounding me is starting to drive me crazy. My boyfriend has been very patient with my emotions but he is getting frustrated with how down I am all the time. I just can't help it....I don't know how to please everyone and still be happy with my decision."

In terms of "Family Matters," as “Family Affairs,” it is "your decision," and your decision "Affects" the well-being and happiness of others as an extended family situation. You appear to be saying that all parties concerned have their reservations about what you want and expect from them: "I have showered my mom with affection in hopes that she will not take this personally, but I'm starting to become emotionally drained."

The majority of your comments sound like a deluge of emotional conflicts on your part with other people. You appear to be spinning your wheels and burning up your own energy, as well as the energy of others. In terms of conflict resolution, the type of interpersonal activity you describe is but the bewitching nature of "Ambivalence."





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