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I posted a while back about my boyfriend. Long story short, he was always leaving me alone and spending the night at his ex wife's house. Unless, of course, he wanted to sleep with me. We don't seem to be very compatible. Not only is there an age difference, which in of itself doesn't bother me at all except that it changes our behaviors in ways we can not control. Anyway, I actually moved to another state to be with him. Then he was always gone and spending time with his kids and his ex wife. When he was with me he was pressuring me and manipulating me into getting married so that he could have his green card. This among other things made me very suspicious of him.

I went back and forth about getting married, and at one point I said yes. So what does he do? He leaves that afternoon for Bali. I then wrote to him to beg him to be with me more, because that's what I needed in this relationship. I needed to feel like he loved me, I needed him to want to be with me. That was the one true way he could show he loved me Ė giving me his time. After reading my letter instead of coming to me and promising me to be with me, he signs up to go back to work on the cruise ships. After pleading with him to stay with me, he decided to go away and leave me alone in a strange city for 6 months!!!!!!

I decided that he'd gotten involved with me because he needed that stupid green card. I accused him of being with me just because of that. I said that he didn't love me. I told him I suspected him of sleeping with his ex wife when he spent the night there. I told him I was leaving. All my correspondence with him has been via email. I told him exactly what was going on with me and all the reasons why I was miserable and that I was now going home - where people treat me with love and respect. I deserved better. He was outraged that I could think of him sleeping with his ex, but said very little about my other accusations. Accusing him of not loving me is, for me, the worst part. But he said nothing about it. I sent him a letter in reply and told him more. After so many hours lying awake in an empty bed in a dark hotel room wishing so much that he were there, and after so many altercations with his ex, I had a lot to say. He wrote back to me to tell me how he had trusted me, how yes he must be the awful person we (his ex and I ) say he is, that he didn't marry for the green card, he only wanted it so he could work, that he did love (me?). I went through many of his pictures and found tons of pictures of this woman he met on the ship. All were taken with a weird sense of closeness, as though of someone adored. I even found a picture of her tucked into his wallet. I asked him who she was and why didnít he tell me about her, he said nothing except leave her out of this. Then he asked me to please stop the accusations because they hurt him so much. He told me that if I thought he was so awful and I was so sure about it, then he wanted me to leave him alone. He asked me to please stop because he canít stand all of this.

After he said this I felt truly awful. Back in the beginning when I was sure that he loved me and things were good and there were so many possibilities, hurting him was the worst thing I could think of. I never wanted to hurt him the way his ex wife had. I would have rather ended it before it came to that or died or something. To me, that was the most horrible thing I could do. Now it seems I have done it. The way heís telling me to just leave him alone and that he hopes it all can be over in one day (which it will once he gets back). I think it really did hurt him, but I didnít think of it at the time. I was angry, I expected him to be angry and explain what was going on and give me the truth. Thatís all I wanted. I wanted him to give me a truth for every lie I suspected he told. Not just ĎNo, I do love youí. I needed the communication. I needed him to talk to me without dancing around the subject.

Now I feel a new guilt in all this. Before I was sure that I was the victim in a triangle of lies and deceit. It is possible that I am wrong about everything, but itís also possible that I might be right. I might be wrong about everything I thought he was doing. But heís never shown me any different. Everything I suspected about him came from his own attitudes towards me and the way he treated me.

And in all of this uncertainty, I still love and care about him. But it doesnít change the fact that I am still leaving the day he gets back. Iím just soÖÖmessed up. Iím leaving someone I still love and want in my life. But I canít live with him, either.

AAAAAAaaaaaaahhhh!

Iím so tired of it. Iím going home. Iím starting a new life that will be mine and mine only. I hope then things will be simpler for a while. One thing I know is that I have indeed been hurt very deeply. Iím sorry he is hurting, too, but why is his pain more important?

Any thoughts?





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