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Dear Respondents,

Thank you, ladies, for responding. I knew that I would have to go into further detail in order to help others understand me better. I figured it was just a matter of time, because there are so many glaring omissions in the first (original) post.

As I stated before, I suffer from OCD, which is obsessive/compulsive disorder. For those of you whom are unfamiliar with this illness, it is a psychiatric disorder that may be caused by a seratonin deficiency in the brain. In cases of OCD, the sufferer is plagued by phobias (irrational fears of certain objects, ideas, places, or situations), and often, the sufferer has to perform rituals (such as washing ones hands over and over again) to help ease their anxiety.

In addition to the OCD, I also have anxiety and severe depression. I haven't been diagnosed with socialized anxiety disorder, but I have a strong suspicion that I suffer from it as well.


I am not working at this time, although I wish I were. This is painful and humiliating to admit, but I have a terrible phobia of mayonnaise and garbage in general. Unfortunately, everywhere one goes there is garbage. As a result of these fears, I can't maintain a job, because I have severe anxiety when I get near these things. I have worked off and on in the past, primarily before the OCD became too much to handle. It has worsened since approximately the age of 20, which is not uncommon in young adults with OCD. I desire to have employment, but it becomes a nightmare for me when I must be in the presence of objects that trigger my anxiety.

Why do I have this odd phobia of mayonnaise? I don't know where it came from. I realize that if you are reading this, it makes absolutely no sense at all. I know that my phobia is irrational and illogical, but I can't alter my feelings about it. I always become anxious and afraid when I get anywhere near mayonnaise- or garbage, or bags and trash from fast food places. Doctors do not know what causes OCD, nor do doctors know where phobias come from.

As for my phobia of garbage, it isn't quite as odd, because many many people with OCD fear germs and contamination. Therefore, I think that I fear garbage primarily because I fear germs. I also fear garbage because I have this crazy notion that I will somehow smell bad after I come in contact with the garbage.


I am an extremely clean person. I wash my hands approximately 40 to 50 times every day. I wash my clothes sometimes over and over again, even though they are clean. Why do I do this? Because I have doubts in my mind that tell me that the clothes aren't clean. OCD is very very difficult to explain to someone who doesn't suffer from it. It is illogical and without a sound nature. OCD is sometimes called "the doubting disease", apparently because OCD patients doubt that things are clean, in order, or neat. As a result of this doubt, the person with OCD is forced to perform certain tasks over and over and over again- for instance, my mom checks the doors over and over to make sure that they are locked. Although she has mild symptoms of OCD, my OCD is far worse and more painful.


I am in college part time, but I am distracted because I am severely lonely. It (loneliness) pulls the wind out of my sails. I don't feel like doing my studying 90% of the time. I am in danger of flunking out- and this won't be the first time it has happened.

I also suffer from boredom. It becomes so draconian at times that I think about committing suicide.


I think that many people can tell that I am depressed- so they shun me.


I am indeed seeing a doctor for this condition. As a matter of fact, I am seeing three doctors! I have a Psychiatrist who provides my medication prescriptions, and I am also seeing two therapists as well.

I am taking several medications like I have been instructed to. One of them is Fluvoxamine (AKA Luvox). Luvox is normally supposed to assuage anxiety and help coping with the OCD. However, I feel so despondent now that my meds aren't seeming to help at all. I am also, of course, taking meds for the depression. Again, I find that I am in such bad shape today that it doesn't have any effect.


I am an outcast. I am a metalhead....that is, I like heavy metal. Recently, I gave up music for the Lord, but I am so sad without music that I think I am going to keep listening to it. I have very little fun in my life, so I don't think its fair to be required to throw music out of my life altogether. Is all heavy metal music evil and satanic? No. Some of it I think is bad, but certainly not all of it!

I also attend Church every week. I help teach 1st grade Sunday school. People at Church also seem to avoid me. Girls there don't like me.

Also, girls at college don't like me.


I say to people that I am fat and ugly. But that is not really the truth. Well, I have low self esteem, and I am pretty big. I am overweight, but not ugly. Not in my opinion. Is beauty in the eye of the beholder?

But if I am handsome, I think girls would like me. It seems logical to me that girls would talk to me if I were good looking.

But girls don't talk to me. They avoid me. One time it happened at Church. I was talking with this girl, and she got up and left as I was talking to her. This makes me bitter.

I am torn between love and hate. I hate people, although God tells me to love them. Loving people can sometimes be like feeding a wild animal. Sometimes, it will bite the hand that feeds it.

I need to be accepted. I want one girl to accept me. Is that too much to ask?

Now on the other hand, if I wanted all the people to like and accept me, those would be too high of standards for my life. But asking for one person out of 6.2 Billion is not asking too much IMO.

What should I do?

I used to look scary, because I had long long hair and some people said that I looked scary with my hair down. But now, my hair is short. I don't wear T-shirts with pentagrams or blood and skulls on them anymore- although I used to when I was a teenager.

I don't dress extremely high class, I usually just wear jogging pants and a comfortable shirt to school.

Is everyone that shallow- to judge me by my looks? If that is true, I don't want to live in that kind of world. People are too shortsighted and judgmental.

I believe that we can never, ever ever ever judge people by their external qualities.

Maybe no one is good enough for me. Or maybe I am not good enough for everyone else. I reason this because I am alone and in solitude.

Sometimes I want to kill myself, but I don't want to burn in Hell. If it weren't for my Mom and my grandparents and a few other loved ones, I would definately give consideration to murdering myself.


I don't think one person can make a difference- so my life doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to the world if I am dead. I have only one or two friends- and we are no longer close. So, when I picture my own funeral, I cry because not many people would be there. Very few tears would be shed when I left the world.


The world is a lonely place.

I am a failure. I once wanted to be a philosophy professor, but that dream has faded.

I am now 28, and I only have 1 year and a half of college credit. I failed in life.

I have lost passion for life. I lost passion for learning. I once loved to go to school- but now, it can be a nightmare. There are several reasons why- first of all, I get scared when I get near trash or trash receptacles at school. Many students bring food, which also makes me nervous and frightened.


I am now a born again Christian. Why am I still suffering? Why doesn't Jesus heal me?

I mean, I can think of so many many people who have worse lives than I have. There are millions of starving people in the world. I have food in my house. I am basically healthy, other than these mental illnesses. I have use of my arms and my legs. Still, somehow I feel in my heart that my life is unfair and my situation is a grave injustice.

I miss being kissed. I miss being held by a nice young woman. I haven't been held in eight years now. I need to have someone who cares about me, and cares about whether I live or die. Someone who cares, whom is not related to me. A nice young woman who is compassionate and sweet to me.

I am a nice guy for the most part. I had a rocky relationship with my last girlfriend. We fought a lot, and I am sad because I really mistreated her. I have learned that I want to be kind to girls. I want to make her happy, and keep her safe. But no one is willing to give me the time of day. No one accepts me for who I am inside and out.


I have always been "different". I have never fit into society. I probably never will.

But I have usually been generous enough to accept that fact that people are so narrow minded. But now, I am feeling bitterness grow inside of me, because people will not accept me.


For those of you who think that I need to love myself, I agree- However, I do not think that I need to love myself before I can love someone else. How so? Well, I love my Mom and my family now, even though I need to work on my self esteem issues and my self acceptance and love.

I also need love from someone other than myself. I want a nice, attractive, kind girl to love me and accept me too.


I think that one of the reasons that has caused my extreme loneliness is that my Mom just got married to her new husband. My Mom and I still live together, and we have always been really close. I think that I am now jealous since my step dad has moved into her life. She now has much much less time for me. That hurts my feelings, and I need attention from someone.

Girls won't even be friends with me, let alone date me. They just don't give me a chance. I try to ask them if they would like to hang out with me sometime, but most of them say "I am sorry, I have a boyfriend". Well, assuming that they really do have a boyfriend, where is the harm in being friends with me? I think some of them are lying to me, because they don't want to say no to me.


The strange thing is that I had many girlfriends and friends in general when I was in high school. Girls liked me then. Thats why I am so very confused and disheartened now. Why do they not like me now? Have I gotten ugly with the passage of a mere ten years? Am I fatter now, and is that why people don't like me?

I have excellent grooming habits. I take at LEAST two baths every day- sometimes as many as five baths. I don't always wear cologne, but I do sometimes. I brush my teeth and clip my nails. I usually smell nice, because I use so much soap to clean myself with. I also often wear deodorant, and I even chew gum so that my breath smells nice. Why do girls not like me? (As for my hair, as I stated before, I used to have long hair since I like heavy metal and I play the guitar- but I cut my hair a few months ago, and its now very very very short. Its still too short to even brush yet).


I am polite and nice to people. I am not rude nor nasty. I am a nice person.

Why am I desolate?

Why will no one accept me?

Why is this happening to me?

What sin have I committed to deserve this torture?

Please respond. Thank you all.

[This message has been edited by Cornholio (edited 06-14-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Cornholio (edited 06-14-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Cornholio (edited 06-14-2003).]





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