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one thing that I am wondering myself is, why are people still telling her to get away from me like she is in danger? (not saying that to sound mean, im honestly wondering). like I said I had NO Idea she wanted me out of her life, she kept telling me she wanted me in her life...not out of it. And as soon as I found out the truth, I Backed away. No hassel or anything, and yes I do relize she came to these boards first, and I know that it would be hard for you to just accept my side of it. But It was a shock to find out that she accualy feared me...I know when I had a temper a year ago that was the case, but ive proven to her im not like that, I even stood by her side and helped her with the problems she was having with the guy she was cheating on me many people would do that? get cheated on, find out about it but still be there for her and help her with his and her problems? and I dont lose my temper anymore, even when she told me about what her and him pysicaly did, I got hurt and we talked about it, if I hadent decided to be a man and change myself, I would have blown up and put holes in the walls again...I relize it took WAY to long for me to change, and I can understand where she would be hesitant to tell me some things, but I never thougt it would be to this point. And I know that she said shes afraid of what I might do, well I cant do anything even if I was an agorophobic...I cant leave my house and she lives 30min away. So thats not even a possibilty if that was the case, the only time I see her is when she comes over here.

With the lurking around in her stuff, that is something we both shared in common, she used to check my e-mails all the time also, she would also log onto my ICQ and read my history...we both shared a problem of lack of trust. I started to check her e-mails again when she cheated on me...and the cheating brought on Lack of trust not giving you people an excuse, simply the reasons why.

I know our "story" sounds very messed up, and in aspects it is...but most of it boils down to lack of communication. Like a few months ago when she needed a new car but couldnet get one cause of her credit, I signed for a car and she co-signed for it and thats the car she is driving, I did that for her because we had talked about how we were both in it for the long run, I checked her e-mails because I was wondering why she has been doing things behind myback if she wanted to be with me. All the sexual stuff I did because she told me she wanted to do that stuff, and some of it we both agreed to do it as a comprimise. But her feelings on that sutff changed, and she didnt tell me about it untill she was already fed up with it.

so just to say, im not going to "hunt" for her. I was simply thinking she wanted to work out our problems, because thats what she told me she wanted to do. I mean, how am I supposed to know that she wanted me out of her life, when after she cheated on me, she came back to me to work things out, few months ago we thought she was pregnant by my she was happy that she might carry my kid, she kept telling me we will get through this and work out as a couple. She let me be the primary signer for her car, she let me spend a few hundred dollors on her to buy her outfits a few weeks ago, she came to me and told me she wants us to go to couples counseling (wich I found a place and I set up everything I needed, all we had to do was set up appointments for her, myself then us, but she never said a word about it after I told her everythng was ready, so if she wanted to go to a counsler why didnt she? I know she has a tight time frame, but shes off every saturday and a few hours between about 2-6pm every day)....I mean where at in all of this was I supposed to think "she hates me"?...I honestly had no idea that was the case. 2 weeks ago I was even going to give her $1,500 to get a divorce and she was ok with me doing that. (the divorce is not from me, she was married when we got together)

And the reason im still posting on these boards is because I just want everyone to know as much as they can, so they can help her, because if people thought I initiate sex while shes sleeping when she never wanted me to, or if you think ive known all along she has wanted me out of her life, or if you dont know that she has been telling me all along she wanted to be with me, then you will think I was forcing her to stay against her own will, and you would think I might try to go "find her"

Im a talker, I like to talk about problems and solve them, Christina does not. When a problem comes up she likes to run from it. I know this and I accept it. Thats why Im not all too supprised that she never told me this. I remember one nght about 1 1/2 months ago, we were in my appartment talking, and she told me how big of a "jack-ass" she was for thinking I was controling and obsesive, that she relized im not, I only love her and im trying my best to make things work, and she explained that due to her childhood and past relationships that she cannot accept love, that she will accept it in a negative way and when someone gets to close to her she will intentionaly cause problems to make them leave...because she fears commitment and love.

True I have been pretty frustrated the past few months, I just didnt know what was going on, she kept telling me she was moving back in with me, we talked about names for our kids, what kind of dog we are going to own, we spent a few nights looking online for apartments, we made plans to get me over my agorophobia, we made plans for us....but she kept going back on them...and I guess I should have been smart enough to see that if she was breaking her promises to me, that mabey things are not like how she says they are, and how she acts they are. so for that I take a lot of the blame, I shouldnt have been so blind to over-see those...but at the same time I wanted nothing more than for us to work out, and I knew she wouldnt string me along would she? I didnt think she would use me.

So I guess bottom line was this, we were dealing with her still fearing me from when I had a temper, her thinking by me doing all the things I did for her and forgiving her for what she has done in the past 7 months that I was obsesed and controling, and there was issues of me still doing sometimes things she changed her mind on...most of them I didnt know she canged her mind on. and there was a huge lack of communication between us, I wish she would have told me right away that she changed her mind on the sexual stuff, and that she didnt want to be with me anymore...cause like I said, how am I to know things are bad, when she tells me we are going to work all of this out.


also to just touch on the sex problems we had, I used to do that when we lived together (get frustrated), that was even when we were having sex...I was too much into it and she was too much out of not pointing blame here, becuase this is something we never talked about much, we only made comprimises. [url=""][/url]

read that also, that gives you an idea on how unhealthy our sex life was. Yes I was wrong for how I treated it in the past, she has a problem with that, and at that time I didnt understand it, but lately its to the point where she didnt even want to kiss me, and how did I handle that? we made comrpimises where I would "take care of things" with her, so she didnt need to be physicaly involved. when we worked on her sex problems (3 different times) all we did was talk about it, and almost every night for a week after we talked about it, id go into the bedroom and find her completly naked, id get into bed and she would move my leg or crotch onto her vagina, she would start kising me have sex for almost right there I knew it was a problem that she had,a problem that stemed from something, and a problem she wanted to over come, and I knew I could not get sexualy frustrated with her at all, so like I said along came comprimises that we made, and they were to last untill she was comfortable having sex with me. Also I knew being sexual bothered her, she told me that it sometimes does, but she in no way explained it to me like she did in that post...and again, I just wish she would have told me flat out what was going on, rather than to just beat around the bush and hope that I guessed what was going me having to guess that leads to me doing things I think are ok to do, but she didnt think so.

*edited cause im a horrible typer lol*

[This message has been edited by Derium (edited 06-06-2003).]

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