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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Thank you to everyone for responding!

Summergirl: I have been strong for so long and I'm tired of being the one to hold everything up all the time. My kids think I'm just the greatest thing, but I wonder what they have learned about relationships through me. My friends only see the qualities that attracted me to Paul in the first place - he doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble or run around. Why isn't that enough for me?

Creeping Crud: That is exactly how I feel! He thinks he is admirable for wanting to raise another man's child, but raising a child is more then playing on the floor (which he is good at). He doesn't understand that a parenting role extends further then that. He frustrates me so much. As for me not being his mother - hah!! I am constantly on his case for tracking mud across the floor, cleaning up the kitchen after he makes a mess, making the bed after he gets up, etc. I get sooooo resentful. I know I can survive without a man - my only problem is wanting my son to have both his parents - our son is so wonderful, well adjusted and LOVES us both so much. When we were separated, our son was so sad and it broke my heart.

Eeyore II: I did use protection. I had been on the pill for 3 months and never missed a day. When I had my first child I was on the pill (Triphasil) and when I seen the Dr. this time, I was told that Alesse works better. Well it did not!!! Next time??? I'm so disgusted in men I'm not sure there will ever be another opportunity to get close to a man.


Alexandra: It was not a strange sense of familiarity at all. In fact, Paul is really nothing like my first husband who beat the crap out of me every time I served food that he didn't like. I was a mess when I was married to #1. After counselling, I wouldn't even date a man that smoked a cigarette because of the flashbacks! What Paul does is so subtle and so defeating! There is absolutely no trust! I never believe a word he says. I don't expect him to pay more then 50% and the way it is now, I make 3X what he makes. We used to make similar amounts, then I got the good job and worked longer hours to pay the bills. I continue to work overtime because I'm used to not being able to count on him. The 80-20 split was fine 9 years ago, IF he would have paid the 20% on time and IF he would have paid the actual 20% without complaining! Exhusband #1 pays a considerable amount of childsupport because he is a federal government employee and it is removed from his cheque every month, so that has never been a problem. However, Paul has always believed that this money should be factored into my income to show how much more I have then him. I say no way!! If I don't have to claim it as an income on my income tax, why would I determine that it is income to Paul??? Plus, I divide it equally between the three kids and deposit it to their accounts - the oldest is in university and the other two buy all their clothes, entertainment out of that. Paul doesn't think I should do that either! Now that I think about it, Paul complains about every thing I do, but I never bend to his suggestions, because I always feel that he is looking for a way to get something out of me. Maybe it is just me.

Soccermom: Yes, I do choose the wrong men - even when they start out looking like the right men. According to my friends, there is no such thing as a perfect man (that I supposedly want, they think).

Crazy Cat: Thank you for playing the devil's advocate - I appreciate all opinions. My extreme independance didn't show up until Paul started slacking off. When we first met, we both had crappy jobs. I pushed him to do something different because he knew I wanted to stay home and raise my kids. When I got pregnant with our son, I was so freaked out, because by this time I knew that Paul was not going to be THAT man. That is when I picked up the ball and ran with it. The financial rules were only to protect the house that I had to pay my ex for when we divorced. It wasn't a great house but it was mine. I never wanted to feel that me and my children could be kicked out into the streets again and he went into the marriage knowing that I was going to hang onto that one little piece of security. Since then I have sold that house, been promoted umpteen times and bought a much more elaborate house - with my money! I told him that if he wanted to invest in the house I could do that, but he had to come up with the money on his own. He did not. He chose not to. Trust him? How can I trust him when his cheques bounce, he doesn't get paid on the days he says he will get paid, he doesn't get paid the amount he thinks he will get paid, he goes from job to job to job. He doesn't go to work when he doesn't feel good, therefore he doesn't get paid. As an example of how frustrating this all is - today, my bank called me and told me that the cheque I deposited to my account came back NSF - it was a cheque written to him from his boss. So I called the boss and he told me that Paul did'nt work as much as Paul reported, therefore he put a stop payment on the cheque! I'm the one that is out the $300.00 now! This type of thing happens all the time.

I think he seen the new baby as an opportunity to get me to trust him - afterall, how many men would do such a thing? (his words) and there is no doubt in my mind that he would have loved that baby and treated it like his own. He can take care of children no problem - I just can't trust him with any thing else.





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