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Relationship Health Message Board


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I've posted bits and pieces of this part of my life in various sections of the board, but I'm going to post the whole of it here, because it's been really affecting my life.

Last summer, I met a girl who is four years younger than me over the internet. After one or two e-mails, we met and went on a really beautiful date. She spent hours telling me all about herself while we walked, and then I told her about myself. Before we knew it, we had walked from uptown to downtown. We rode the train home and she had dinner at my place, then we went back to her place and cuddled.

The next few days were somewhat upsetting, as she effectively told me that we didn't have a chance of a relationship, because I was too unstable and depressed and she had met a guy who she liked and was now dating him. We remained friends, though, while I tried to work through my emotional problems in order to win her favour.

Eventually, we formed a relationship, but it was more because we were having sex on occasion and saw each other almost every day and so she figured that we might as well be considered dating. Several weeks later, though, I took her out for dinner and told her about my love for her, and she finally declared her love for me.

The rest was sort of a blur. Due to problems at home, she moved in with me. I proposed soon after, then we moved into our own place together. Within a few days of moving in together, she found out she was pregnant.

We had just started planning the wedding when she came home from work one day and announced that she was moving out.

Backtracking, I should say that I didn't treat her all that well. I have self-esteem issues, and so I told her various lies about my past, specifically my past relationships, because I felt that if she knew I had only recently lost my virginity and never really dated anybody that she wouldn't like me. Also, I became very jealous of the way she dressed and used to ask her to please where clothes that covered her body, and not to wear makeup. I also have very firm beliefs about abortion, and so I told her that I wasn't sure I could stay with her if she aborted our baby. I know that it was wrong, and I would call her, e-mail her and apologize to her for days afterwards. I begged her to reconsider. I suggested couple counselling and mediation, but she refused.

But here's the thing that really gets me. After begging her for several days, I was able to get her to agree to meet with me. She only agreed, though, if she could have her father present. So, I went to her house with the hopes of getting to sit down with her and discuss it...

The images of that event still cause me to cringe and shudder. From the moment I walked into her house, she and her father verbally bashed me and insulted me in every way, and whenever I tried to get a word in, her father would get in my face and yell "Don't you dare interrupt my daughter!"

I left their house in tears and vomiting on their lawn. I couldn't sleep for nights afterwards, because whenever I closed my eyes, I saw the image of her father's face and it gave me nightmares.

I attempted several other reconcilation attempts afterwards, which simply resulted in her asking me to leave her alone or else she'd have me arrested.

So, I was able to begin the process of accepting that our relationship was over. The matter of the child remained, though, and I wanted to let my feelings be known, so I told her that I wanted custody of him or her when she or he was born. She told me that if I had "her" child, I'd probably kill him or her from negligence and so she would be putting "her" child up for adoption and she'd do everything in her power to prevent me from ever knowing where "her" child is.

And so began the months of contact between myself and lawyers, social workers and the government. Until finally, I recieved a letter saying that she is going to put the child up for adoption, but is going to go to court to prevent me from ever knowing or seeing him or her. She would have constant contact with the child(it would be an open adoption), while I would be denied it.

I spoke with he adoption agency, though, and they agreed to let me meet the adoptive parents and try and work out something where, hopefully, I could overrule her and have the same contact as she does.

She seems to have this sadistic sense of revenge on her mind. I hurt her, and so now she is going to hurt me...

My opinion of her at this point is that I still care for her, but, because of what she's doing to me regarding the child, I wish death on her. I've also spent months entertaining thoughts of ways her father could be killed.

Now, don't get all worried that I would go killing either of them, because I could never do that.

My life, however, is wrapped up in my feelings of hatred for her because of what she's doing, combined with my remnant love for her and lingering sexual attraction for her, since our relationship was mostly sexual in many ways.

How do I reconcile these feelings and take back my life? How do I achieve peace of mind regarding our child?





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