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This is a little longer:
Two years ago a man answered my personal ad and we started talking back and forth. Let us call him Alan.
I really liked what he had to say and all, so I decided to stick with the thought of getting to know him.
He lives 4 hours away from me, 1 hour by plane only.
Well, cautious as I am naturally, I still had doubts and red flags waving, because first off, he never asked for my number in the beginning, and also wouldn't tell me his.
I have put that contact to the category: Keep the talking online and see where it goes, but don't focus too much yet.
Then I met someone who I cared for and stayed together with for a half year, during that time I was always in touch with Alan, with time going also on the phone, and letters, because he finally got over that stage after I asked him why he never thought of calling. But only had his cell phone number then.
The more Alan and I talked, the more we bonded and became "online/phone friends", so when I had trouble with my then bf and parted from him,Alan was there for me, listened, helped me big deal when my ex started threatening me and put that case to a stop.
I was so thankful and called him my hero (playfully)from then on.
Shortly after I broke up with my ex, Alan said, he developed some kind of deep feelings for me through our conversations and he began to wish to be my man badly. But I still had doubts and did some background checking (within my possibilities) and found out that Alan is married ( I always assumed that, out of his behaviour). So I confronted him with that the other day (one year ago now)and he was put to shame for lying to me that bad, also about his age (he was afraid I would think he is too old). He then told me, that is marriage of ten years is critical and that he doesn't love his wife, infact he claimed he married her to be integer because she had his child. (He did the same with another woman before his second marriage).
He told me that they are only fighting all the time and that he wants to divorce her but that she is threatening to get him kicked out of his high place job (in charge for an important installation), because she knows of one fling he had. While I always showed him that I question his motives and stated that if you really want "out" of a marriage, no threat should really work, he stuck to his fear of losing this brilliant position he has in the community.
Last year, it came to the point that he talked his wife into moving to the States with his daughter, so they could both have space and move on, which she surprisingly agreed to and moved then.
When he then gave me his home address and his private number, I gained a little trust and believe. We planned we wanted to finally meet in person soon.
He shortly after she moved went to the States for a business trip and also to see his daughter, when he started neglecting me by becoming sloppy with his calls and mails, where I decided that he takes my waiting for granted and thinks, as soon as he is back, he could begin with the attention again but put it on pause while he is there. I assumed he got back together with his wife and my hopes were zero. Especially when he wrote in one mail that he can not communicate well while being around her, etc.
So for not being hurt anymore and feeling like a fool, I wrote him that I met someone (which I didn't) who is so good to me and treats me the way I deserve, and not so "not giving a damn-attitude". That I think Alan and I should remain "friends", but am not down for what he does and sharing him and being put on hold off and on.
When he came back, he wrote thoughtful letters and regrets but also said, if my new bf is really the one making me happy, then he will be glad for me, because he cares so much for me, he only wants to see me happy.
We kept in casual touch, where it was very tough for me to think up all the dumb stories about my new bf and me, when he asked.
He also went out with other girls, and of course told me about them, (did he succeed in making me jealous? Yes.)But always still insisted that he thinks he is crazy about me and feels like I am THE ONE for him.
As time moved on (now after two years of keeping in touch), I really was tired of coming up with ideas of my "invisible" bf and me, so I told Alan that I had a rough time going at the moment with my bf.
Alan and I started talking into the emotional direction again, so it really made me want to see this guy finally, to see if all the ideas and visions I have of him are really there or if he will fall off that pedestal as soon as I see him in person.
He came to see me last weekend, and we clicked very well.
He told me that I exceeded his expectations and all BUT then there was no more words of that he now actually really thinks that I am THE ONE as he claimed before and that he thinks he fell in love or having a crush or anything.
Also he used to call me pet names before, which he didn't when we were together, but still was very gentle,attracted and on the wavelength with me.
On our first night we talked about who he went out with before and he then said that the woman that he before talked about as just a good friend, he actually had sex with her. And three weeks ago he had sex with another woman where I did not know that he is still in touch with her, he made it sound earlier as if he stopped going out with her. I reminded Alan then that he once said that he can not sleep with a woman that he has no certain feelings for, when he said" well they are very good friends of mine". I remember, when my ex had "fXX//-buddies" calling them good friends he wants to keep and Alan admonished that kind of behaviour, but when I said that he is then not a bit different than my ex who did that, Alan said, that is totally different.
On our second day of meeting, some heartwarming kisses later, I asked him out of interest, when he is back if he will continue seeing those girls, and he said: " well, that is something you and I will talk about with time I think?" I was puzzled. He once again emphasized that they are very good friends of his. Yeah, but hey, he slept with them. So my question was reasonable.
After we said bye last night, after some wonderful time we spent together, got very close (mind wise, clicking and that), normally at least you expect to have it keeping on that way, after special moments that were shared, that the other would like to clarify how this is about to look too, right?
Well, when he departed this morning (couldn't bring him to the airport) he has sent a reserved message on my phone telling me he is at the airport. no pet name, no nothing, no "it was great, or i want to see you again as soon as possible" etc.
When he was back in his town again he wrote me if i wanted to meet up with him real soon again or wait a while? i told him i leave that up to his "gut feeling", wanted to actually finally hear from him what he was thinking. He just wrote ok, and followed was the ego-boost-fishing: Did I meet your expectations or ran short of them? Makes me think he just wanted all this meeting for the self assurance of his man hood.
I told him often enough during our time how I like him and his appearance and that I am glad to have him here. Normally it doesnt take double questioning that I was somewhat interested.
I answered him: Like I told you, I totally enjoyed being with you the entire time!
He then just wrote emotionlessly: Wishing you a great day!
Now, people, tell me, what's the deal with all that?
I am also confused, because normally, when someone is like that, I back off quickly, not dreaming up anything or trying to make things look good when they arent. There are couple of things on Alan that I did not like that much, for example his way of handling the sex and woman subject, his starting out with a lie and slight other things. And still I was so disappointed of his reserved messages and sad that one time was this and one time that.
With this two years of talking, I collected an idea of him, of course not glorifying a vision, I always believe in seeing is believing.
But this whole thing is totally confusing.
I am sorry for such a long long writing, but I wanted to tell from the beginning so you would have the insight. Every reply will be so appreciated!!!!!!! Please!

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