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I apologize that this post is so long but I needed to write this all out because it helps me think and plus I needed to hear what others thought about my situation. Well, a year ago I met this guy when I was on vacation and we messed around one day. Well, I left the next day to go back home and we continued to talk on the computer/phone. I got rather attached that day we spent together. He's gorgeous and very smooth talking. He knows he could have any girl that he wanted including me. Ever since that one day we spent together he kept asking me to come back so we could get together again. Well, if any of you have followed my previous posts you will know that I have a three month old son. Even when I told him that I was pregnant he still seemed to want to get to know me more. I told him that I didn't feel comfortable seeing him because I had gained a rather large amount of weight with my son. He kept telling me that he didn't care. He told me that he wanted to see what was between us and what could amount because he felt we could have something special. But, the remark that really caught my heart was that he told me he wanted to see me before my son was born because "if we were to ever have a relationship he wanted to be in the child's life right from the start". Now, anyone with a child will know how that just catches you and makes you think. Especially since my son's birth father wants NOTHING to do with him. So finally after a year and a half of him asking me to come and go out with him and a lot of growing up on my part I decided too swallow my insecurities and take a chance.

Ok, so he and I are on the phone about an hour before he comes and picks me up and we are talking about his age. He is a few years older than I and he was asking if I told my parents. I hadn't because they didn't ask and frankly I did forget. Although, my mother did know that he was a bit older. Anyways, he precedes to tell me that it shouldn't matter because under the circumstances he would think my parents would want me to date someone who was going somewhere with his life. I took that to mean that he was speaking of my son. That meant a lot to me. Everything he has said to me meant so much.

Well, he comes to pick me up and he meets the parents and my son and he is very polite. He opens the car door for me and we talk pretty well together. Then he takes me to the park and he grabs my hand and we walk to a picnick table and we sit. There he is really cuddly. I start asking him questions about his life, ex g-f's, etc. Then I ask him how many girls he has been with. First he says he doesn't want to tell me because I would get angry with him. I pry it out of him and the number nearly makes my choke. 28 girls. He had been with 28 girls. One of them is a constant booty call and she has a boyfriend and they are almost engaged yet he still sleeps with her. Everything was so perfect before that, he was a gentlemen and so sweet. I was falling fast for him. He looked me in the eyes when we talked and made me feel so special. After I get up he gets up too and grabs me and turns me around and kisses me. So, quickly I forget about those 28 girls and he takes me to the beach. While we are driving there he keeps making remarks about having sex and I see him checking out girls out of the corner of his eyes while I'm sitting next to him in the car. That made me feel about two inches tall because I was already nervous about my weight. Then he calls up this girl who left a message on his phone why we were sitting at the park. He precedes to talk to her for about 5 minutes and then pulls into a gas station to get a drink. Still talking to her he walks in and gets what he needs. I'm sitting in the car thinking to myself why am I even here. When he gets back I hear him talking to her about something sexual. They were joking around about setting up video cameras for each other. Well, finally he gets off the phone and turns to me and flashes that gorgeous smile, I calmed down a bit. We get to the beach and he is telling me about all these beautiful girls who he is having sex with or wants too. I'm becoming so self conscious I just want to crawl into a hole. He knew how I was upset about my appearance yet he didn't take that into consideration. Yet, I feel so great to be sitting in the car with someone like him. It makes me feel prettier in a way I guess. Anyways, here we are walking along the beach and there are fireworks and there is hardly anyone around. He stops me here and there and kisses me and puts his arms around me and hugs me. It felt so great to be in a man's arms again. From the way he touched me I felt that he might actually care about me. Or maybe I just wanted to believe that so much I made myself believe it. He knew exactly how to turn me on and before I knew it we were on the sand messing around. He looks up down at me through his beautiful eyes and I sware I feel like we are the only two people on the face of this earth, (why do I let him make me feel this way?) and he keeps asking me if I'm ok or if I want to stop. I didn't really say anything I just smiled and I was kind of lost in his arms. He kissed me like noone ever had before. I have all these thoughts running thru my head. Then we get up to go because I had to be home. From then on we hardly even said one word to each other. I was hurting so bad because I was finally realizing that he only took me out to get one thing and it was my fault that he felt he could. It was all my fault and I felt so horrible. I felt I had let my son down and everyone else. He didnt even hold my hand. All the way home he messed with his cell phone and was worried only about the messages he couldnt get because his phone was screwing up. He said maybe 8 words to me on the drive home. We sang to the radio and that was that. He pulled up into the driveway and didn't get out and walk me to the door or anything just said goodbye and that he would call me the next day. Well it's been two days and no phone call.

I know it is my fault that I feel so hurt but I just feel he led me on and I feel that no other guy will like me for who I am inside. And, I am not going to be the kind of mother who brings home a different guy every other day or so. I want stability in his life. He deserves that and so do I for that matter. I have grown up a lot in that year and a half since I met him and I thought that maybe for once I would meet someone who didn't care just about physical looks and could take someone for more than that. I guess what hurts the most is that I (for the first ime in my life) let my guard down and I was used. I felt strongly for him and he stepped all over me. I thought maybe he was the one. Could someone help me sort this out? Any of wisdom would help me a great deal. Thank you for reading so much of this!!

[This message has been edited by littleone314 (edited 06-30-2003).]





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