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Relationship Health Message Board

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me and my boyfriend have been together 4 and a half years. we have had alot of rocky times, but we always seemed to work through them. for the first 3 years (3 and a half) everytime things would get to be "too much" he'd leave. this happened about once every 4 or 5 months. at first it was a night or two, but by the end it was weeks or a month. everytime we broke up, as soon as we'd get back together he'd ask me if i talked to guys, went out with any, etc, and i was honest and told him no. his reply was always "good, because we were only seperated, we weren't broke up". anyway, thie last time he left me (january of 2002) we were "broke up" for 2 days when he started messing with another girl. i had heard rumors, and went to his moms and asked, he swore to the good Lord he wasn't messing with anyone, that some girl was interested in him, but he didn't want her, told her he was in love with me, etc.
ok, well 5 days later we get back together. 3 hours later, the girl he was messing with told me what they did. they hugged, kissed, cuddled, some touching.... no sex. i asked her if she was willing to tell me that in front of him, she agreed. when he got back, she confronted him, and he was caught. we broke up for a month, i hated him. we finally talked and i decided (or thought) that i could let it go and work things out. i lied to him and told him after i found out what he did, i went out that same night and did the same thing. sometimes i think i really should have done it. there are some times (not many) that i can go without thinking about it, but for the most part its heavy on my head. i can't forgive, i can't forget..... i can't let it go. another problem is, before he messed with her i'd never seen her before, but afterwards, for about 6 months she'd make it a point to come over to me and talk.... like we were friends. i tried being nice and letting her know i couldn't handle seeing her, to just leave me alone. there are other factors too, like her going behind my back while my boyfriend were broke up trying to talk to him, coming to my house about a month after me and him got back together because she wanted to talk to him, etc.
i finally had to lose my temper before she left me alone. besides all that, i don't trust him at all. we constantly fight. i thought i was ready to try again, but have realized this is something i don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive. i have told him to leave, i have tried breaking up with him, i have become hateful at times. what makes this hard for me (i think) is the fact i am bi-polar. since this has happened i feel like i've been stuck in a fit of rage, hate..... depression. in some ways he has been trying to work things out, and in some ways he's determined there are certain things that aren't wrong so he won't change it. i used to be more mellow, loving, forgiving, now i hold grudges and with my bi-polar, i'm in a state of violence. i go to councelling, i'm on meds (trying to find the right ones right now) and i'm trying to get help to make me better. sometimes i don't know if i feel what i feel because of my illness, or if its just me. how do you forgive someone you love with all your heart, but despise at the same time? in my heart.... in my mind, he cheated on me. he might as well have slept with her because what he did hurt me just as much as it would've if he had. he says he's sorry for what he did, and was wrong for it, but stays determined he did not cheat.
thats another factor on the "forgive and forget" i feel he cheated, he really believes he didn't. i feel if he did it once, hid it, lied to me, etc, then he'll do it again. he claims he'd never do it again because of how bad he saw he hurt me. i don't know what to do anymore. part of me loves him, and wants to work things out, and another part hates him, gets disgusted when he touches me..... can't forgive him. her name sends rage through my body, if i hear her name i lose it. i know i need help, and i'm working on that, but what do i do in the meantime? is it possible to forgive, or is it already too late?

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