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hi ... hoping someone out there can give me some advice on how to deal with a situation that is causing me an immense amount of pain, sadness, and loneliness.

i'm a 33-year-old male. approximately 2.5 years ago i was on a video chat program (not a dating site, just a videoconferencing program that allows you to go into rooms and talk to all kinds of people who you can see on webcams) and i met this girl. we ended up bonding on that thing, talking on the phone, really getting to know each other but still taking things slow because i know how these Internet things can go. anyways, after about six months i finally flew her out across the country to see me and she ended up staying. we lived together for six months and then she moved back to her home city, with the intent that soon i would move out there as well. 3 months later i did exactly that, we got an apartment and we've been living together here for nearly a year and a half. during that time we'd been through a LOT. she suffers from depression and wasn't working and is kind of antisocial, so after a long period of dealing with that, and with my support and help, she got on antidepressants and then a few months later got a really good job that she likes.

anyways, fast forward to last sunday. she comes home from work and gives me the 'we need to talk' line...uh oh right? so she's like, we need to break up...she says she's changed in the three months since she's been working, that life doesn't feel as grim as it used to, and that though once she thought we were soulmates and was REALLY and genuinely in love with me, she just doesn't feel that way anymore. then, she tells me that for the few days previously, she was flirting with guys on that video chat program, and she said she always told herself (and me) that if she ever felt compelled to do that, she knew our relationship wasn't what she wanted. we've also had issues with using the internet most of the time we've been dating, she's definitely an addict. for me, it's hard to complain because we did meet that way, but ever since we met in person i stopped using that program and i don't chat with people online or anything at all like that.

moreover, part of her rationale for splitting up is that she's never truly been on her own. she's 24 now, and she's either lived at home (not a good family life either) or with a previous boyfriend whom she lived with for 3 years when she was 18-21 and who treated her coldly and awfully. so she wants to be truly independent, not feel smothered by a relationship, and live her life as a 24-year-old.

from my perspective, right now i am angry at what she's done, the flirting behind my back thing (she's even said to me, when she was pretty drunk the other night here in the apt. and talking to that guy, that he was 'her Internet boyfriend because I don't want a real boyfriend') and just the hurt she's inflicted and the sense that i was there for her for a LONG time and loved her and supported her unconditionally, and now that she's doing better it's like she doesn't need me anymore. but i am also equally sad and heartbroken because despite that, we did have an amazing bond and so much in common and really thought that once her problems were addressed in a positive way, we could have a healthier relationship. she still lives with me, but she's planning to get her own place within the next couple of weeks. she says (as everyone does) that she wants to be great friends and hang out all the time -- she's planning to get an apartment pretty close by, and she says she gets a sick feeling in her stomach to think i could move back home across the country and she'd never see me again. she's also said on a couple of occasions in the past few days since the breakup that she's confused and she still "likes me" and isn't closing the door to what might happen between us down the road when she's on her own and satisfies that urge.

so here's my quandary: part of me wants to just say seeya, when she moves out not talk to her for at least a month and try to move on with my life, just worry about the things i need to do. and another part is obviously holding out hope for a future reconciliation, given that she's not 100% sure of things, that i know she still has feelings for me, that a lot of these internet things like what she's doing now fizzle easily and she might wake up and realize she messed up, etc. i'm afraid that if i cut her off, she'll think i've given up on her and she won't want to get back with me even if she wanted to (she's pretty passive), but if i keep in contact with her and be her friend and hang out, it will only prolong my agony.

if you have ANY COMMENTS OR ADVICE WHATSOEVER, it would really make me feel better. actually, just knowing that anyone might be reading this LONG posting (sorry! :-)) and cares in any way already feels good - it's good to vent. having moved out here without really knowing anyone else in this city, and since we've both been kinda keeping to ourselves this past 1.5 years, i don't have a whole lot of close friends i can really talk to about this or hang out with.

thanks a lot for listening
I'm new on the site but not to relationships, alcoholism and depression. I read every word and my first reaction is...I praise you for writing and wanting to get it out and not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself or blaming yourself. Her behavior is typical (forgive me) of youth (exploration & error years), alcoholism, and feeling better after meds kick in for depression. You saved her, showed her love and attention (lacking from family I bet), made her feel safe & secure, loved her madly, and now she can fly! She feels she can do anything now and loves you, but not in the way you would like. The back & forth shifting of feelings/emotions tells you everything and isn't the quality of life you wanna live (who would)....waiting and waiting for someone to love ya back and feel the same---eeekkk. She probably feels she owes you and is guilty for wanting to run away and seek other guys...hence, not wanting to let go completely of you continuing to lead you on by living nearby, maybe it'll work later after she's played and the guys fade with interest, etc... This is simply unhealthy (sorry but, terribly toxic) and will lead to more pain and BS. You're not alone. Love suffers in good company. She knows how to keep you on line for when she NEEDS you. She knows her power and your loving weakness for her. Don't let her. Hug her and wish her the best. Note it as a special love you cherished and leaving is best for you and your happiness. You'll be doing you both a HUGE favor. Allow yourself to get on with your life, explore and maybe try having some fun "outside".....now open your eyes and remember it begins with "hello" and surprises await you. Take Care. J
[QUOTE=jacqship]I'm new on the site but not to relationships, alcoholism and depression. I read every word and my first reaction is...I praise you for writing and wanting to get it out and not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself or blaming yourself. Her behavior is typical (forgive me) of youth (exploration & error years), alcoholism, and feeling better after meds kick in for depression. You saved her, showed her love and attention (lacking from family I bet), made her feel safe & secure, loved her madly, and now she can fly! She feels she can do anything now and loves you, but not in the way you would like. The back & forth shifting of feelings/emotions tells you everything and isn't the quality of life you wanna live (who would)....waiting and waiting for someone to love ya back and feel the same---eeekkk. She probably feels she owes you and is guilty for wanting to run away and seek other guys...hence, not wanting to let go completely of you continuing to lead you on by living nearby, maybe it'll work later after she's played and the guys fade with interest, etc... This is simply unhealthy (sorry but, terribly toxic) and will lead to more pain and BS. You're not alone. Love suffers in good company. She knows how to keep you on line for when she NEEDS you. She knows her power and your loving weakness for her. Don't let her. Hug her and wish her the best. Note it as a special love you cherished and leaving is best for you and your happiness. You'll be doing you both a HUGE favor. Allow yourself to get on with your life, explore and maybe try having some fun "outside".....now open your eyes and remember it begins with "hello" and surprises await you. Take Care. J[/QUOTE]
I couldn't help feeling for you after I read your situation. I agree with all the posters on this topic. If she truly loved you, she would have strengthened the relationship and appreciated and loved you back for standing by her and supporting her. Her not doing that is a true sign of using you during a hard time in her life (depression) and probably not intentionally as she is not an emotionally stable individual.

However, her shiftiness really shows that she is young and unstable and the "grass is greener on the other side". Don't live your life waiting on a person like this. It sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too. She's taking advantage of you and will continue to drain your emotions with hanging herself over you like a carrot. Don't allow yourself to be drug through the mud wondering and hoping that things might work out eventually. My advice is to move on and be strong and don't look back. You deserve 100 times better!
I am really sorry about what you're going through. I'm suffering through a similar situation, except the stressful factors were family and my chronic pain, and it's incredibly hard. However, I have to totally agree with Nini here...you deserve so much better than a woman who would take advantage of your kindness, understanding, and generousity and then take off as soon as she was on her feet again. The best thing to do is move on and never look back. While I do think it's a good thing to learn from the mistakes and past experiences in your life, I also think it's a pretty good philosophy in general to not look back but instead look optimistically to the future. Unfortunately, because it's very painful, the only thing you can do to minimize the pain and length of time it takes you to heal is to cut all ties to her. The longer you keep dwelling on your past with her or pondering what's going on with her in the present or what will happen in the future, the longer it will take to get over her. It will help though to let yourself vent (here is a great place for that :), you'll find) and mourn when you feel necessary rather than bottle up and thus not release your feelings over time and eventually feel better. This will be a hard time--hopefully you can surround yourself with family and friends and busy yourself with work or an activity you enjoy. I find that it helps to cry when I'm sad, but to also try and keep busy, have fun, and distract myself from the hurt as often and as much as possible. Hang in there and trust that you will feel better, no matter how impossible that may seem for awhile still...:angel:
I'm very sorry you're going through this painful time in your life.
I'll give her credit for one thing; that she actually had the courtesy to tell you that she doesn't want to continue on in your relationship. Many times, someones actions show us that they don't want to continue on, but they'll beg you to stay. At least now, you know. It's hard to accept. Especially for helping her the way you did. Trust me, I know what you're going through. You helped straighten out her life, now someone else is going to reep the rewards. It's not fair and it's very frustrating. But, realize that she doesn't sound like a very rewarding person.
Like everyone here has suggested, you should try to find the strength, and move on. Don't let her hang on to you in case she feels that she'll need you in the future. You deserve much better. Her disrespectful treatment of you shows us that she's a very selfish person who only cares for herself right now. Don't let her manipulate you any longer.
As hard as it is to accept, and as much as it hurts.... We can't make someone love us. We can't make them act the way we think they should; or even the way we know they should. She wanted to "make her bed"; now make her "lie in it" (boy, I wish I could take my own advice ;) ). You do have one advantage, she lives with you. If you can muster the strength, make her leave NOW... not when it's convenient for her, NOW. Worry about yourself, you've been worrying about her problems for way to long now, and look how you've been repayed. I'm sorry if i'm sounding negative, but i'm just trying to be honest.
Good luck to you and stay strong. Keep us posted.
Dear In Flux, If she is infact doin what she needs to do with no concern for how its affecting you then you need to do the same, the reason she is choosing to live close by is because she doesnt want you to move back home.. She says she wants to be on her own and independent from you and yet she is giving herself the security that you are around the corner or up the street... My personal opinion is to let her go and move on with your life and if that includes coming home then so be it. life is too short to wait for someone else to get their act together, you will find someone who who wants you now not needs you... I commend you for they way you helped her but its kind of like when a baby bird flys for the first time, you have taught her and now its time for her to use those skills on her own. Its just a chapter and you will be fine the hurt will linger for a short time but you will be good as new again soon, Oh and let that be a lesson to you to get out and meet women not over the net. Good Luck & update me on your prgress..... Bye for now
Something hit me when I read your original post. I don't know if it even applies here, but, they always tell us to accept someone for who they are. And not to try and change someone else.
I'm not necessarily trying to say that you should have left her antisocial and depressed - but wonder if getting someone to change to the extent that you did also changes the dynamics of the people, and then the relationship, totally...





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