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Relationship Health Message Board

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sometimes i wonder if some people (like myself) are just destined to be alone. i have been in a relationship for 4 and a half years, but my feelings are slowly changing. i don't know if i'm "inlove" with him anymore. we have a VERY rocky past, and i have always stood by him and tried working things out, but i'm tired now. he cheated on me over a year ago, so thats an issue i CANNOT get over, we still argue about it because he's DETERMINED he didn't cheat. i still hold alot of hate and hostility from that. on another note, again we've been together 4 and a half years, and never, not once has he asked me to marry him. he makes me feel like i'm not "good enough" in his eyes to be his wife, but i'm "good enough" to play house with. he hardly keeps a job, but when he is working i don't see any of the money. he's always got an excuse on where the money has to go, but it never makes it there..... it just disappears. he got paid 600.00 a week ago, within 4 days he spent 300.00 of it, but theres absolutely NOTHING he has to show for it. now i'm hearing, again, this next paycheck has to go to paying off one of his bills, so again this week he won't be helping with the bills. he also informs me a few days ago that in september he can't pay any bills either because theres something he has to do, but won't tell me what it is. granted 2 of our nieces, 1 nephew, his brother, my 2 girls, and my birthday are all in september, but i have already bought everyones gift, so he has no reason not to pay bills. he's trying to hint that all of his money is going on my present. for 1, thats just insane, and for 2, i already know thats not the case. i have been through this same thing for 4 other birthdays, and after my birthday comes he claims my present is "almost" paid, and he's getting it out of layaway the following week. i still have no clue where the money went from all of those times, but not even a dollar went into me. i am not into celebrating my birthday, so its not the fact that i don't get anything, its the lies. i never know when he's telling me the truth, i cannot trust him to save my life, i have my suspicions that he's spending all that money on drugs..... i just don't have proof. i also have suspicion he's got another girlfriend and thats where his money goes, but again, i don't have proof. i feel like i've been fighting a battle that i never should've fought to begin with. our first 3 years together were pure hell. he'd pick up and leave me every 3 or 4 months claiming i was mistreating him, being too much of a b*tch, not being "wild" enough for him, if you get my drift. everytime he left, i went after him like an idiot. the 3 times before the last time he left, he kept staying with different females, claiming they were "lesbians". again, i was ignorant enough to believe him. january 2002 was the last time he left and immediately started messing around. still told me he loved me, swore to God he wasn't messing with no one..... again, i fell hook, line and sinker. after we got back together, the girl he messed with came and told me what happened, then she told me in front of him, and he was done for, couldn't lie again. we broke up for over a month, and because i "thought" i wanted to work things out, "thought" i could forgive and forget, "thought" we could make it work, i got back with him. its been a year and a half now, and i don't know what i want anymore. i do love him, but i hate him at the same time. when he touches me, my blood boils, its like i instantly think about him and her. i don't know if i'm capable of "letting" go of everything thats in my head. i have been saving money so i can leave and go stay in florida with my granddad. i haven't told him my plans about leaving, and don't know if i will. the times i have tried he's told me he's not letting me leave, he loves me, and i'm "stuck" with him now. he's put too much time into me to let me go. now granted, maybe he's realized his mistake, and maybe he'll honestly NEVER do it again, but i can't let it go. i have my doubts, and they just keep getting stronger. i honestly don't know what i want or what i feel anymore. its like i have 2 people living inside me. ones loving, and caring and wants to "forgive and forget", wants peace and happiness and all that good crap, and then theres the one who hates him and everyone like him, who carries rage and just wants to destroy things, and beat people up, and yell and scream........... and leave him. its like a constant battle inside myself. he broke my heart when he cheated on me, hurt me worse than any man could think of doing. i thought with time, my heart would mend and we'd go back to where we started, but the more time that passes, i realize my hearts not mending. i don't know if it will. i don't know if i can change how i feel, i don't know if i'll ever trust him again..... i just don't know anything anymore. to top that off, i am also bipolar, so not only do i have to deal with feelings he caused, but i deal with my own "sickness", which, honestly, i think makes it worse, but who knows. sorry about the ranting, just needed to get a few things off my chest. i was trying to make a point somewhere in here, but lost train of thought a few times, and don't know where i was going with all of this. anyway, take care of yourselves and have a good day! :)

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