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[quote]Originally posted by Dai:
[b]HoosierBj, your post made me very curious. You're saying:

"Marriage is scary.
Living together with no wedding date or church reservation is scarier to me."

I'm afraid I don't understand this. Why is it scary?

Be wary of empty words and hollow traditions.[/b][/quote]

I totally agree with you there Dai, well put!

What REALLY matters is not the fact that you are married or getting married, what matters is how you treat each other, how committed you are and how much you respect each other. When you get married, you just reassure each other of these things and commitments and show/tell the rest of the world how you feel about each other, but if they're not already there then marriage is not going to change that

If you need a marriage certificate to trust and love someone that you live with (enoug not to be SCARED by the lack of a marriage certificate), then you've got some serious insecurity problems and are obviously not ready for a loving and commited relationship, or you have nagging doubts about your partner that lead you to think he will leave you or cheat on you or treat you bad (hence shouldn't get married)!

Sometimes, marriage can have the opposite effect on a relationship - my ex started being more abusive, did less in the household, treated me badly etc. only AFTER we got married, in his head he seemed to think that marriage was worth more than any gestures and respect he could show me, like that fact that we were married made up for any bad behaviour on his behalf. We got married after living together for 2 years so it just goes to show that even if you've lived together for a long-ish time marriage can still change things for the worse. I guess a person's true attitude towards marriage and married life doesn't come out until it's actually too late :(


And Djin - I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from, when I started going out with my boyfriend I had just come out of my abusive marriage and we both decided that we'd take it slowly. He was scared of anything serious (I'm the opposite I tend to fall for someone quickly) and had never lived with a gf before and kept telling me he couldn't live with me because he was scared of messing it up and we both needed freedom. Before I knew it he'd send more time at mine than at his (I rent on my own, he shared a house with 2 smelly and messy blokes) and now (it's been half a year) he's going to be moving in "officially" in a few weeks time.

Within days of going out with each other (we don't "date" in the US sense here in the UK) it had become hard to let each other go and now we can't bear to spend a night apart!

And for the first time, it's entirely mutual :)

I guess that's the key, if you BOTH feel that way then go for it, let him move into yours officially but take some time, look around for a place that is yours AND his, and buy/rent and decorate it together. It really DOES make a difference if you start something like this TOGETHER instead of having one person live in the other person's place, there's more equality there even if one party pays more or whatever.

[This message has been edited by Redhead23 (edited 08-15-2003).]





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