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Thanks for your thoughtful posts, everyone. To answer Monday1954, my parents have a good relationship - they have been married for more than 30 years. So, I guess my insecurities first started with my last relationship. My ex-boyfriend, who I was with (on and off) for about two years, withheld information from me about stuff he'd done with other women while we were together. When I confronted him about it, he didn't deny it and admitted it to me freely. He just said he didn't think "it'd be worth it" to tell me. That really hurt me, but I decided to just forget about it. I was really naive back then and allowed him to treat me really poorly - and he continued to do so until I finally had enough. My ex didn't even show up for my college graduation. So, basically, my insecurities could have stemmed from how my last boyfriend treated me. ButI think it was when my current boyfriend lied to me, it just really shattered my image of him. I had him on a pedestal until then. I realized afterwards that he was just human and made a mistake in lying to me. I forgave him, and I have tried not to dwell on it, but it has really hurt our relationship in the most obvious way - trust.

And to answer Trooper - I haven't snooped. I made a pledge not to and I am upholding it. I just don't know how to proceed right now. I am so torn between believing him and just forgetting about it (it's so difficult..) and just breaking up the relatiionship. I mean, I don't even know if we will continue the relationship if he moves out. You are right. I word questions a million different ways and it really frustrates him. He says, "I'm tired of having to defend myself. If you are not going to remove yourself from the relationship, then I am." In his e-mail response to me yesterday, he said he was also tired of having hope for a decaying cause - that being that I will get over my insecurities.

I really love him so much and I can see a future for us. I just don't know how to just stop asking questions. It's like these questions seethe inside of me until I just have to ask - questions he's answered tons of times before. I've tried just squelching the doubts and not asking. But then eventually I cave in and ask. And sometimes if I don't ask, then I get moody because I'm thinking about it. It's a Catch-22 because if I don't ask, it saves us from an argument over my insecurities, but then I will get grumpy because I'm not asking. Either way, it's not pleasant. He does repeat his answers to me often, but it's because I ask the same types of questions. When I ask, I always try to take a calm tone of voice and act as non-accusatory as possible. But still, I can sense how frustrated he's getting. Our next therapy session is this Thursday, and he is supposed to see the counselor by himself. Now I don't even know if he's still planning on doing that. He said to me last night that he is at his wit's end. What should I do? Should I just let him go? Is there hope?
Trooper ~ Something you wrote in your last post really struck me. It was when you were describing what your boyfriend used to say to you: He always said, “you keep asking the same questions over and over again, hoping to get a different answer, an answer that YOU want”. Word for word, that is almost exactly what my boyfriend has said to me countless times. I am so happy to know that you are happy with your bf now. It shows that if you really make the effort, things can work out for the best, like it has in your situation.

I was just wondering, though, what exactly did you used to ask you boyfriend? Did it have to do with other women or things in the past? Or did it just have to do with what he did that day or who he came in contact with? I am just curious. What exactly did you used to accuse him of? Did he say anything in response? When I question my boyfriend, it can be about almost anything. Sometimes my questions are borne out of true curiousity, (for instance, what kinds of projects he's working on at his job) but he mistakes my questions as having an underlying motive. Then he might get frustrated with me until I tell him that my questions didn't have to do with an insecurity. I just wanted to know. Then he'll apologize. I know that if I didn't have my insecurities, he wouldn't be paranoid that every time I ask a question, it's because of a "bad" reason.

I so appreciate you sharing your experience with me, Trooper. It helps so much to know that I'm not the only one who has been through this kind of thing. Sometimes I feel so inadequate, deficient in some way. I love my boyfriend so much and I don't want to lose him. How do I stop my problem? I know I can stop the snooping, but the incessant question-asking has got to stop. Do you have suggestions on what I can do? And how should I act around my bf in the time being? Should I try to get him to reconsider (once again) from not moving out? How do I convince him I can change?





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