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Sadgirl,

Sorry, this is long.

Are you looking at the temporary internet files that are on his hard drive? If so, it stores all urlís from a website. Meaning that even if a pop up ad comes up, that url will be listed. Any ads on a website will be shown. Keep that in mind when you are doing your investigative work. Iím not condoning it, but you are going to make yourself absolutely crazy if you continue in your ways, and him too.

I was exactly like you, still am a little bit, but Iím getting help. When I first met my boyfriend, I knew he was the one. I cannot go into all the details due to time, but most of our problems stemmed from my own insecurities. I did what you are doing. I snooped, I nagged, I asked a million questions, I always thought he was lying to me. After a year of it, he was sick and tired of me not believing in him that he left me. I had no one to blame but myself. I knew he loved me like no other but my constant accusations, etc., was destroying how he felt about me. I spent the Holidayís without him and it was horrible. I knew we were meant for each other but I couldnít prove to him that I could change. The breakup lasted almost 2 months, but we did get back together. Things were great, but it didnít take long for my old patterns to surface (about 4 months). We were talking about moving in together and we were almost there, but then I started with the accusations again, and he did what I pushed him to do once againÖ he broke up with me. And decided to move into a couples house instead Ė people I am not very fond of. Anyway, I knew it was over. Keep in mind that I knew of the problem and we discussed it, and I had wanted to go to couples counseling for a long time. He never wanted to. We had some heart felt talks before he made his final move. In fact he had the rental truck already reserved and all plans set. Then out of the blue the weekend before he was supposed to move, he came back. He wants to be with me and marry me, he just cannot and refuses to put up with my lack of trust. He agreed to counseling. And he did move in with me.

Now Iím leaving out a lot of the story, but I just had to let you know that I was at where you are now. Itís not fun, I feel your pain. If you continue to do what you are doing, you are going to lose him. I am one of the lucky ones and have had 2 chances with him. I realize that if I spend all my time thinking that he is lying to me, cheating on me, surfing the net, etc., I waste all the good times that we can have. I am truly blessed to have him in my life and donít plan to go back to my old patterns. Yes, we still have different ways of viewing things, but thatís what our counselor is for Ė to help us through them and get out of the ugly patterns that we were in.

As far as the trust issue. I understand your point that itís a bigger deal for you that he is dishonest about what he is doing than actually what he is doing (if anything). Honesty is number one with me. My boyfriend has done some things in the past that he wasnít honest with me about. He didnít offer information and I had to repeatedly ask to get the information. I view it as lying, he doesnít. We are still working on this issue with our counselor. I just wanted to let you know that I understand your point. In counseling though, I discovered that he was terrified to tell me because of my reaction. And he had every right to feel that way because of my past behavior.

I just want you to seek counseling. You say you go to church and I know there is someone there that can talk to you and your boyfriend. Take this as a warning (and I mean no offense), but if you havenít already, you are guaranteed to lose him. Someone can only put up with so much distrust. Get yourself help, work on your insecurities, work with him on your insecurities. You have to change in order to make it better.

We have been in counseling of a little more than a month and I have to say that things couldnít be better. We are able to communicate more and we have learned how to share how we feel without being accusatory, etc. I know a lot of work has to be done on my end still and Iím doing it. I trust my boyfriend and always did, I just didnít show it. Now I show it. And if Iím happy, heís happy and I reap the rewards of that.

Again, Iíve left a lot of my story out, so ask any questions that you want. One more thing, usually when I accused him of things, especially things on the computer, there was a logical explanation and I ended up looking stupid. Again, my own insecurities.

Take care of yourself and seek counseling.
(((HUGS)))
Trooper





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