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Sadgirl,

Sorry, this is long.

Are you looking at the temporary internet files that are on his hard drive? If so, it stores all urlís from a website. Meaning that even if a pop up ad comes up, that url will be listed. Any ads on a website will be shown. Keep that in mind when you are doing your investigative work. Iím not condoning it, but you are going to make yourself absolutely crazy if you continue in your ways, and him too.

I was exactly like you, still am a little bit, but Iím getting help. When I first met my boyfriend, I knew he was the one. I cannot go into all the details due to time, but most of our problems stemmed from my own insecurities. I did what you are doing. I snooped, I nagged, I asked a million questions, I always thought he was lying to me. After a year of it, he was sick and tired of me not believing in him that he left me. I had no one to blame but myself. I knew he loved me like no other but my constant accusations, etc., was destroying how he felt about me. I spent the Holidayís without him and it was horrible. I knew we were meant for each other but I couldnít prove to him that I could change. The breakup lasted almost 2 months, but we did get back together. Things were great, but it didnít take long for my old patterns to surface (about 4 months). We were talking about moving in together and we were almost there, but then I started with the accusations again, and he did what I pushed him to do once againÖ he broke up with me. And decided to move into a couples house instead Ė people I am not very fond of. Anyway, I knew it was over. Keep in mind that I knew of the problem and we discussed it, and I had wanted to go to couples counseling for a long time. He never wanted to. We had some heart felt talks before he made his final move. In fact he had the rental truck already reserved and all plans set. Then out of the blue the weekend before he was supposed to move, he came back. He wants to be with me and marry me, he just cannot and refuses to put up with my lack of trust. He agreed to counseling. And he did move in with me.

Now Iím leaving out a lot of the story, but I just had to let you know that I was at where you are now. Itís not fun, I feel your pain. If you continue to do what you are doing, you are going to lose him. I am one of the lucky ones and have had 2 chances with him. I realize that if I spend all my time thinking that he is lying to me, cheating on me, surfing the net, etc., I waste all the good times that we can have. I am truly blessed to have him in my life and donít plan to go back to my old patterns. Yes, we still have different ways of viewing things, but thatís what our counselor is for Ė to help us through them and get out of the ugly patterns that we were in.

As far as the trust issue. I understand your point that itís a bigger deal for you that he is dishonest about what he is doing than actually what he is doing (if anything). Honesty is number one with me. My boyfriend has done some things in the past that he wasnít honest with me about. He didnít offer information and I had to repeatedly ask to get the information. I view it as lying, he doesnít. We are still working on this issue with our counselor. I just wanted to let you know that I understand your point. In counseling though, I discovered that he was terrified to tell me because of my reaction. And he had every right to feel that way because of my past behavior.

I just want you to seek counseling. You say you go to church and I know there is someone there that can talk to you and your boyfriend. Take this as a warning (and I mean no offense), but if you havenít already, you are guaranteed to lose him. Someone can only put up with so much distrust. Get yourself help, work on your insecurities, work with him on your insecurities. You have to change in order to make it better.

We have been in counseling of a little more than a month and I have to say that things couldnít be better. We are able to communicate more and we have learned how to share how we feel without being accusatory, etc. I know a lot of work has to be done on my end still and Iím doing it. I trust my boyfriend and always did, I just didnít show it. Now I show it. And if Iím happy, heís happy and I reap the rewards of that.

Again, Iíve left a lot of my story out, so ask any questions that you want. One more thing, usually when I accused him of things, especially things on the computer, there was a logical explanation and I ended up looking stupid. Again, my own insecurities.

Take care of yourself and seek counseling.
(((HUGS)))
Trooper
Sadgirl

although our situation may be different our reactions are very much the same,i was burned once really bad and i have major trust issues, my boyfriend and i just had a major talk last night and he told me that when i am like that he really hates me because i get him so frustrated and he is tired of explaining himself and than he said when im ( normal in his eyes) he said he can't get enough of me...I disect everything he says and hear what i want...im not saying its all my fault because its not sometimes i think he plays on my negatives and i react ...I never thought the day would come that i would do this but i called my doctor and asked him to put me on zoloft for a short time because im just not myself and my thinking process is way off right now..........I told him im depressed and i need some relief...a few people i know have been on this and its helped i dont plan on staying on it for long but i need a brain vacation and i need to stop stressing
so thats what i am doing to help myself get back to normal and if things dont work out with us well than so be it ill survive
as for you , i can hear your struggling because this is what your thinking about 24/7 and your driving yourself nuts and your driving him crazy because it just doesnt stop if he answers one question you find another one...I know you dont want to hear this but you probably need a break for you, not him but you
anyway i wish you luck
Hi Sadgirl,

A lot of my questions used to do with who he talks to in e-mail, who he talked to at school (when he was in it at the time), what he did during the day, who he talked to on the phone, me accusing him of checking out other women, me calling him a sex addict, etc. I used to go through his cell phone to check up on him. My boyfriend used to lead a very private life. We both owned our own houses, worked different schedules, etc. We both are extremely independent too. He also never shared anything with me. I would always find out after the fact, if at all. Like if he stopped by a friends house or something. Or Iíd ask who he chatted with in e-mail and he would say none of my business. Not that I minded who he talked to, I really just wanted to know. Like I wanted to know who his friends were and how he knew them, etc. It was just trying to get to know him better. He didnít think so though. We fought about that a lot. Iíd accuse him on viewing porn on the internet, which in the beginning he did. Now I know it came from this one sick friend he has. He also subscribed to Maxim and Stuff magazines. I hate those magazines and how they portray women. I wanted him to cancel the subscriptionÖ he said he did, only to find out 8 months later, he never did. He didnít do it until after he decided to move in with me. He was getting them and bringing them to work and hiding/lying to me about it. We fought over that (that is one that we decided to let go of Ė not worth arguing about anymore). He used to have these neighbors that I absolutely couldnít stand. They were married, but they always had some other guy living with them. I mean, why on earth would newlyweds want to house another male? Anyway, this girl was always up in my face. I couldnít even pull into the drive and get my truck shut off before she was at my window being all bubbly and asking me a million questions. I cannot handle people in my face like that especially if I donít know them. Sheíd leave Ďthank youí notes in my boyfriends truck, call him all the time, etc. That bugged me a lot. I wasnít jealous because she (to me) is pretty unattractive and overweight. But her actions were a bit off to me, especially since she was married. We fought over them A LOT. They are pilots and my boyfriend is going to be one. Well, she is always offering to help in anyway that she can, etc. Itís to the point that it is really ridiculous. And when my boyfriend decided not to move in with me, he decided to move in with them. Well, we were broken up at the time, but I gave him an ultimatum. Bad I know, but I had to do it. I couldnít remain his friend knowing that he lived with her. I made him choose them or me. He chose them. And I made no attempt to contact him. Then out of the blue he changes his mind. Heís still friends with them, but really watches it. Especially since after he moved in with me, he went over there twice Ė and conveniently forgot to tell me about it. I had to ask how many times he went over there since he moved in. His first response was it didnít matter. Not a good enough answer for me, so I asked again. Then I got the real answer of twice. Crap hit the fan then. I put my foot down. No more going over there unless I know about it, no dinners over there, no calling her, heís only allowed to talk to the guy, etc. I can take a lot, but once he lied to me, then itís game on. I have to put my foot down. Iím not trying to control him either. If he was just honest with me, then things would be different. We did talk about this in counseling and we understand where we are coming from, but I still think it might be a sore spot. I donít mind him going over there, but I need to know about it first. Anyway, we fought about that a lot. And a lot of my questions would be about *her* and if he talked to her and what her sneaky intentions were. Hey, I canít like everybody! Lol. Other than that, I mostly made sarcastic comments. Like he wouldnít have enough time during the day to come and take me to lunch, but he had enough time to stop by Ďtheirí house, etc. I was full of negative comments. Rightly so, but wrong to continue doing.

I can see how your boyfriend is paranoid. I mean, after years of Ďloadedí questions, wouldnít you be? I canít tell you how to act around your boyfriend. I know when I was constantly grilling him, I made a conscience effort to just stop the questions. As much as it bugged me, I had to let it go. It wasnít doing either of us any good. And the situation wasnít getting any better. Also, getting him to understand the difference between my questions now and what they used to be. That made a world of difference.

Hon, no one is responsible for your happiness but you. If you are getting into a grumpy mood because you cannot ask questions, that is your responsibility. You cannot keep letting it effect you like it has been. Itís very unhealthy. You are driving yourself nuts.

I don't have the magic answers for you. There is no quick fix for this either. You cannot change your behavior overnight, it is something that needs to be worked on. You have that opportunity now while your boyfriend is still your boyfriend and living with you.

You have to work with your boyfriend and your counselor on how to change and to help him understand that you are willing to do anything to keep the relationship. But when you make that commitment, you have to keep it. No going back. No looking back.

What communication have you had with your boyfriend today?
(((HUGS)))
Trooper

P.S. I agree with the above poster. You might want to try an antidepressent to slow your brain down. I'm actually going to talk to my counselor about going on one myself this Friday. Mine more has to do with a chronic illness that is really getting me depressed lately. But I've fought and fought so much that I have exhausted all other avenues. It's something that I need to at least try. Why don't you look into it?
Hi Sadgirl,

Yes, I have been through a lot with my boyfriend. Among the previously mentioned, two break ups. One lasting almost two months and the other just a month. The second one, I did go out on a limb and let him go. I left it up to faith. Thatís all I could do at that point. Yes, I gave him an ultimatum, but I couldnít be with him if he moved into another coupleís home. I told my best friend that as much as it hurt me, and as much as I loved him, I had to let it go. I knew he was my soul mate and Iíll believe that until the day I die. I even told him so. That if we couldnít be together and we went on to live our lives separately, I would still deep down in my heart of hearts, know that he was the one. Luckily for me, he couldnít live without me either. We have a very unique bond, one that I was destroying with my insecurities. When we are together, we are so on. We have the same interests and goals in life. We do everything together, hobby wise. We race cars, I have my own motorcycle (I wish heíd get one), we enjoy going to races, road trips, etc. I will forever be happy with him.

Despite everything that has happened, he truly was never up to anything. He never once cheated on me, wronged me, etc. I know, I snooped and proved myself wrong. Most of the stuff he Ďhideí was because he was terrified to tell me. Now who wants to be in a relationship like that? There is not a day now where I donít trust him. And if I feel like Iím letting my insecurities get the best of me, I tell him right away. I approach it like, ďyou know I totally trust you, but right now Iím feeling a bit down and ÖĒ then I go on to explain why. I open up the lines of communication first, instead of jumping the gun and accusing. We talk and then everything is fine.

Yes, we are planning on getting married. We are just waiting for his house to sell to the equity in the home back. Last week in therapy, he did a lot of talking, which was really unlike him (Iím a talker). He told the therapist how he sees our future and that what he does now is time consuming (becoming a pilot), but heís doing it for Ďusí and for me, to provide for me. And that heís ready to have a family. It was such a joy to hear that I wanted to jump his bones right then and there!!! Lol

When I accused my boyfriend of looking at other women, he would always say, ďI have no idea what you are talking aboutí. I see him with my own eyes, and I know that he does, even if it is just a glance. But you know what, it doesnít really matter to me. He lives with me and comes home to me. Heís going to see attractive women all the time. I will see attractive me all the time. Men are men, and are visual people. He isnít so bad though. Heís a people watcher, I know that about him. He looks at men and women. One time I just said, you know what, I find that to be extremely disrespectful to look at other women when Iím right here next to you. He agreed. End of discussion.

How do I manage to stop the questioning? EasyÖ I know what it feels like to be without him. Maybe that is what it is going to take for you, I donít know. I just feel that it is trivial stuff. I know he isnít doing anything. I trust him. And Iím not going to go back to my old patterns again. Also, he has opened up the lines of communication by sharing more of what he does. So, once he tells me whatís going on, I donít need to ask anymore questions. I believe him. So yes, there is something I tell myselfÖ I remind myself of the agony I went through on our breakups. I never want to feel like that again.

Just because you have an appetite and can do your job doesnít mean that your brain isnít on over load. Maybe an antidepressant can help with that. I donít know, Iím not a doctor. But I think that was the point MJK98 was trying to get across. It just might give you the head start you need on stopping the questioning. Or as another poster stated, there could be alternative ways. Again, Iím no doctor. You just have to do what you feel is right for you.

I donít know what to tell you to do anymore, than what I have already suggested. I donít have the magic answer for you. I donít know how to get you to stop the grilling sessions. You have to solve that yourself. For me it took me losing my boyfriend. Unfortunately, I think that might happen to you if you donít put a stop to it now.

Have you asked your therapist on how to stop your reactions to things, and how to stop the questioning you give your boyfriend? She should have some exercises for you to work on. If I were you, Iíd use the resources you have to find out why you are so insecure and have trust issues.

How was you night last night? Anything happen?

(((HUGS)))
Trooper
Hi MJK98,

I know what you mean about friends. I have one very close girlfriend and I tell her everything. The thing I like best is that she is a no BS person. If she thinks my thinking is a little off, sheíll tell me. Sometimes I like talking to her better than my counselor.

Iím an avid gym goer too. Well, I play indoor and outdoor soccer twice a week. And then the other days I go to workout. I like it, it makes me feel good about myself. And the added bonus is that you can let go of daily stresses!

I do plan on having a talk with my doctor about an antidepressant. My boyfriend and I are going to talk to my counselor first and she what she says, then weíll all talk to my doctor. I do really only have it rough around my period. I donít know why that is, other than hormones? Thanks for mentioning that. I know that women can be effected by their periods a lot. I think that might be the case with me. Two weeks and Iím fine and happy, then the other two weeks is pretty much a gamble on my moods. I tend to cry easily and get very down around that time. Especially the week before. Iíve been noticing that pattern for about 5 months now. And now thinking back, my boyfriend and I would have arguments once a monthÖ and wouldnít you know it, it was around the time of my period. Maybe an antidepressant will help me thru that time.

I have to say that I am very happy that you are taking control of your life. You noticed your pattern from past behavior and your putting a stop to it. I think you are on the right track to getting your life back and being happy. It does take a lot to admit your problems to yourself.

What is the situation with your boyfriend now? Do you live together? How long have you been dating? And did you say that you needed help this time around Ė meaning help from the Zoloft?

Hope you are well today,
(((HUGS)))
Trooper





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