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Sadgirl,
Iím proud of you for not snooping. That is really a big step for you.

I definitely was like you. I would question my boyfriend until I was blue in the face. I even tried the nonchalant, non-accusatory mode. It didnít work. He saw right through it and was completely fed up with my accusations, my Ďdistorted view on realityí as he once called it, and the grilling I gave him. Usually once it started, he could tell by the tone in my voice and would just completely shut down. He would sit there with a stupid look on his face, not saying a word. Which in turn pissed me off even more. So then more questions flew out of my mouth. Until I would get so mad, I would just stop talking to him. I never flew off the handle though, and I have never screamed at him. Iíve just gotten really mad, but can control my temper. Anyway, I can see why your boyfriend doesnít repeat his answers oftenÖ because he has already answered your questions a million times before. Heís tired of it. So was my boyfriend. He always said, ďyou keep asking the same questions over and over again, hoping to get a different answer, an answer that YOU wantĒ. Like I would probe him until I felt satisfied enough with the answer. Instead of just taking his word for it the first time around.

I donít grill anymore and take his word the first time. Our situations might be a little bit different in this aspect. I am the type of person that asks a lot of questions. I like information. What he finally realized in counseling that when I ask him questions about what he is doing, etc., it isnít because I donít trust him, itís because I just want to know. We work completely opposite schedules. So we only sleep in the same bed 3 hours a night during the week. Our communication is some e-mails (very rarely), phone calls (2 Ė 3 times a day for only a few minutes each because Iím at work, then he is at work and we really canít talk then) and a message board on our refrigerator. When I feel I get information, it makes me feel closer to him and not so distant during the week. The scheduling is hard to deal with for sure. So I like to know what he does during the day when I am at work. I explained to him and the counselor that I needed that from him to feel like I was part of his life, that we were together even though we couldnít be physically together. Finally he understood where I was coming from. Now he volunteers the information and I donít have to ask. Donít know why I just went off on that tangentÖ but communication is key, I guess that is my point.

I think he is at his wits end. Maybe he doesnít fully understand where you are coming from. Iím assuming it has been spelled out for him that you feel you have to question things that you find on the computer because of his lie 2 years ago.

I donít know what it is going to take for you to just trust him. Counseling for me worked/is working. Although, I did admit to you about the keylogger and I did get into his e-mail. All of which proved me wrong, that he was never up to anything at all. He wasnít doing anything that would make me lose trust in him. I have stopped all that. It took me to totally snoop and violate his privacy, but Iím done with it. He doesnít know I broke into his e-mail or about the keylogger though, and I still feel guilty about it. I did have reasons for my suspicions though. Even though that still doesnít justify it. The counselor and he knows of WHAT he does that bring my suspicions. Like sitting on the computer when he gets home from work, and sneaking around to check his e-mail. But since we talked about it with the counselor about it, he realized how it looked, even though he wasnít up to anything. He still sits on the computer at night, but he isnít doing anything wrong. He has RLS and cannot go to bed with it, otherwise he keeps himself and me up. Totally understandable.

You also need to come to a point where you both agree to disagree and move on. I have had to do that with my boyfriend. There are just some things that we have different viewpoints on. Things that happened in the past that we still argue about. In counseling last week, we both agreed that we didnít feel the need to bring up old stuff and try and work it out because it would just bring out the ill feelings again. And since we were already there and couldnít solve it. We decided to drop it. Now if anything were to ever come up again, we have a different way to work thru the problem. I donít know how it will work out, but so far itís been 3 weeks and we havenít fought and things have been wonderful. Our counselor is giving us this week off to give it more time in between sessions to see how things go. I might go on my own just to work on me a little bit more. It helps to talk to someone.

Anyway, you know what you need to do. You need to stop the questioning and drop it once and for all. Or just break it off. Sounds like once he finds a place, heíll be gone anyway. I think you still have a VERY slim chance to fix this, but realize that he is to the point where he is *almost* done with you. You have pushed him to that point. He is telling you exactly how he feels, but I donít think that you are hearing him. Do you even realize that he is dead serious about moving out?

I think it is good that he is going to the counselor himself. I think you need to do that too. Have separate sessions and then come back together.

Sadgirl, you need to decide what you want to do.

(((HUGS)))
Trooper





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