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Sadgirl,
Iím proud of you for not snooping. That is really a big step for you.

I definitely was like you. I would question my boyfriend until I was blue in the face. I even tried the nonchalant, non-accusatory mode. It didnít work. He saw right through it and was completely fed up with my accusations, my Ďdistorted view on realityí as he once called it, and the grilling I gave him. Usually once it started, he could tell by the tone in my voice and would just completely shut down. He would sit there with a stupid look on his face, not saying a word. Which in turn pissed me off even more. So then more questions flew out of my mouth. Until I would get so mad, I would just stop talking to him. I never flew off the handle though, and I have never screamed at him. Iíve just gotten really mad, but can control my temper. Anyway, I can see why your boyfriend doesnít repeat his answers oftenÖ because he has already answered your questions a million times before. Heís tired of it. So was my boyfriend. He always said, ďyou keep asking the same questions over and over again, hoping to get a different answer, an answer that YOU wantĒ. Like I would probe him until I felt satisfied enough with the answer. Instead of just taking his word for it the first time around.

I donít grill anymore and take his word the first time. Our situations might be a little bit different in this aspect. I am the type of person that asks a lot of questions. I like information. What he finally realized in counseling that when I ask him questions about what he is doing, etc., it isnít because I donít trust him, itís because I just want to know. We work completely opposite schedules. So we only sleep in the same bed 3 hours a night during the week. Our communication is some e-mails (very rarely), phone calls (2 Ė 3 times a day for only a few minutes each because Iím at work, then he is at work and we really canít talk then) and a message board on our refrigerator. When I feel I get information, it makes me feel closer to him and not so distant during the week. The scheduling is hard to deal with for sure. So I like to know what he does during the day when I am at work. I explained to him and the counselor that I needed that from him to feel like I was part of his life, that we were together even though we couldnít be physically together. Finally he understood where I was coming from. Now he volunteers the information and I donít have to ask. Donít know why I just went off on that tangentÖ but communication is key, I guess that is my point.

I think he is at his wits end. Maybe he doesnít fully understand where you are coming from. Iím assuming it has been spelled out for him that you feel you have to question things that you find on the computer because of his lie 2 years ago.

I donít know what it is going to take for you to just trust him. Counseling for me worked/is working. Although, I did admit to you about the keylogger and I did get into his e-mail. All of which proved me wrong, that he was never up to anything at all. He wasnít doing anything that would make me lose trust in him. I have stopped all that. It took me to totally snoop and violate his privacy, but Iím done with it. He doesnít know I broke into his e-mail or about the keylogger though, and I still feel guilty about it. I did have reasons for my suspicions though. Even though that still doesnít justify it. The counselor and he knows of WHAT he does that bring my suspicions. Like sitting on the computer when he gets home from work, and sneaking around to check his e-mail. But since we talked about it with the counselor about it, he realized how it looked, even though he wasnít up to anything. He still sits on the computer at night, but he isnít doing anything wrong. He has RLS and cannot go to bed with it, otherwise he keeps himself and me up. Totally understandable.

You also need to come to a point where you both agree to disagree and move on. I have had to do that with my boyfriend. There are just some things that we have different viewpoints on. Things that happened in the past that we still argue about. In counseling last week, we both agreed that we didnít feel the need to bring up old stuff and try and work it out because it would just bring out the ill feelings again. And since we were already there and couldnít solve it. We decided to drop it. Now if anything were to ever come up again, we have a different way to work thru the problem. I donít know how it will work out, but so far itís been 3 weeks and we havenít fought and things have been wonderful. Our counselor is giving us this week off to give it more time in between sessions to see how things go. I might go on my own just to work on me a little bit more. It helps to talk to someone.

Anyway, you know what you need to do. You need to stop the questioning and drop it once and for all. Or just break it off. Sounds like once he finds a place, heíll be gone anyway. I think you still have a VERY slim chance to fix this, but realize that he is to the point where he is *almost* done with you. You have pushed him to that point. He is telling you exactly how he feels, but I donít think that you are hearing him. Do you even realize that he is dead serious about moving out?

I think it is good that he is going to the counselor himself. I think you need to do that too. Have separate sessions and then come back together.

Sadgirl, you need to decide what you want to do.

(((HUGS)))
Trooper
Hi Sadgirl,

A lot of my questions used to do with who he talks to in e-mail, who he talked to at school (when he was in it at the time), what he did during the day, who he talked to on the phone, me accusing him of checking out other women, me calling him a sex addict, etc. I used to go through his cell phone to check up on him. My boyfriend used to lead a very private life. We both owned our own houses, worked different schedules, etc. We both are extremely independent too. He also never shared anything with me. I would always find out after the fact, if at all. Like if he stopped by a friends house or something. Or Iíd ask who he chatted with in e-mail and he would say none of my business. Not that I minded who he talked to, I really just wanted to know. Like I wanted to know who his friends were and how he knew them, etc. It was just trying to get to know him better. He didnít think so though. We fought about that a lot. Iíd accuse him on viewing porn on the internet, which in the beginning he did. Now I know it came from this one sick friend he has. He also subscribed to Maxim and Stuff magazines. I hate those magazines and how they portray women. I wanted him to cancel the subscriptionÖ he said he did, only to find out 8 months later, he never did. He didnít do it until after he decided to move in with me. He was getting them and bringing them to work and hiding/lying to me about it. We fought over that (that is one that we decided to let go of Ė not worth arguing about anymore). He used to have these neighbors that I absolutely couldnít stand. They were married, but they always had some other guy living with them. I mean, why on earth would newlyweds want to house another male? Anyway, this girl was always up in my face. I couldnít even pull into the drive and get my truck shut off before she was at my window being all bubbly and asking me a million questions. I cannot handle people in my face like that especially if I donít know them. Sheíd leave Ďthank youí notes in my boyfriends truck, call him all the time, etc. That bugged me a lot. I wasnít jealous because she (to me) is pretty unattractive and overweight. But her actions were a bit off to me, especially since she was married. We fought over them A LOT. They are pilots and my boyfriend is going to be one. Well, she is always offering to help in anyway that she can, etc. Itís to the point that it is really ridiculous. And when my boyfriend decided not to move in with me, he decided to move in with them. Well, we were broken up at the time, but I gave him an ultimatum. Bad I know, but I had to do it. I couldnít remain his friend knowing that he lived with her. I made him choose them or me. He chose them. And I made no attempt to contact him. Then out of the blue he changes his mind. Heís still friends with them, but really watches it. Especially since after he moved in with me, he went over there twice Ė and conveniently forgot to tell me about it. I had to ask how many times he went over there since he moved in. His first response was it didnít matter. Not a good enough answer for me, so I asked again. Then I got the real answer of twice. Crap hit the fan then. I put my foot down. No more going over there unless I know about it, no dinners over there, no calling her, heís only allowed to talk to the guy, etc. I can take a lot, but once he lied to me, then itís game on. I have to put my foot down. Iím not trying to control him either. If he was just honest with me, then things would be different. We did talk about this in counseling and we understand where we are coming from, but I still think it might be a sore spot. I donít mind him going over there, but I need to know about it first. Anyway, we fought about that a lot. And a lot of my questions would be about *her* and if he talked to her and what her sneaky intentions were. Hey, I canít like everybody! Lol. Other than that, I mostly made sarcastic comments. Like he wouldnít have enough time during the day to come and take me to lunch, but he had enough time to stop by Ďtheirí house, etc. I was full of negative comments. Rightly so, but wrong to continue doing.

I can see how your boyfriend is paranoid. I mean, after years of Ďloadedí questions, wouldnít you be? I canít tell you how to act around your boyfriend. I know when I was constantly grilling him, I made a conscience effort to just stop the questions. As much as it bugged me, I had to let it go. It wasnít doing either of us any good. And the situation wasnít getting any better. Also, getting him to understand the difference between my questions now and what they used to be. That made a world of difference.

Hon, no one is responsible for your happiness but you. If you are getting into a grumpy mood because you cannot ask questions, that is your responsibility. You cannot keep letting it effect you like it has been. Itís very unhealthy. You are driving yourself nuts.

I don't have the magic answers for you. There is no quick fix for this either. You cannot change your behavior overnight, it is something that needs to be worked on. You have that opportunity now while your boyfriend is still your boyfriend and living with you.

You have to work with your boyfriend and your counselor on how to change and to help him understand that you are willing to do anything to keep the relationship. But when you make that commitment, you have to keep it. No going back. No looking back.

What communication have you had with your boyfriend today?
(((HUGS)))
Trooper

P.S. I agree with the above poster. You might want to try an antidepressent to slow your brain down. I'm actually going to talk to my counselor about going on one myself this Friday. Mine more has to do with a chronic illness that is really getting me depressed lately. But I've fought and fought so much that I have exhausted all other avenues. It's something that I need to at least try. Why don't you look into it?
Hi MJK98,

I know what you mean about friends. I have one very close girlfriend and I tell her everything. The thing I like best is that she is a no BS person. If she thinks my thinking is a little off, sheíll tell me. Sometimes I like talking to her better than my counselor.

Iím an avid gym goer too. Well, I play indoor and outdoor soccer twice a week. And then the other days I go to workout. I like it, it makes me feel good about myself. And the added bonus is that you can let go of daily stresses!

I do plan on having a talk with my doctor about an antidepressant. My boyfriend and I are going to talk to my counselor first and she what she says, then weíll all talk to my doctor. I do really only have it rough around my period. I donít know why that is, other than hormones? Thanks for mentioning that. I know that women can be effected by their periods a lot. I think that might be the case with me. Two weeks and Iím fine and happy, then the other two weeks is pretty much a gamble on my moods. I tend to cry easily and get very down around that time. Especially the week before. Iíve been noticing that pattern for about 5 months now. And now thinking back, my boyfriend and I would have arguments once a monthÖ and wouldnít you know it, it was around the time of my period. Maybe an antidepressant will help me thru that time.

I have to say that I am very happy that you are taking control of your life. You noticed your pattern from past behavior and your putting a stop to it. I think you are on the right track to getting your life back and being happy. It does take a lot to admit your problems to yourself.

What is the situation with your boyfriend now? Do you live together? How long have you been dating? And did you say that you needed help this time around Ė meaning help from the Zoloft?

Hope you are well today,
(((HUGS)))
Trooper





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