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Sungirl
one more thing i forget to say my previous relationship with the pathological liar i mentioned
he had a big thing with the computer and when i snooped i found all sorts of stuff on there, when you go into a porn site or any type of site like that they get your screenname and they forever send stuff, at one time or another he probably did enter those sites
also if you see he is on the computer alot he probably is corresponding with someone.....Computers have ruined many relationships...my previous boyfriend who i lived with had so much crap going online that i nearly freaked when i found stuff......Its all about control if this guy your with is truly a nice guy he will understand where you are coming from if he isnt than its all about control because he knows how much you love him and he knows that even though you may rant and rave you will stay no matter what
i dont want to tell you what to do its not my place but i do feel you should put yourself number 1 and if you are unhappy more than happy than you need to make a decision, i am trying very hard to move on and its not easy but my pride is to important to me no one should be able to control how we feel every day and you need to maybe keep a diary of your moods and see how you are effected everyday, i bet when he is nice you are in the best mood and when he does something that dosn't sit well with you you arent
Good Luck with everyone
Hi Sadgirl,

A lot of my questions used to do with who he talks to in e-mail, who he talked to at school (when he was in it at the time), what he did during the day, who he talked to on the phone, me accusing him of checking out other women, me calling him a sex addict, etc. I used to go through his cell phone to check up on him. My boyfriend used to lead a very private life. We both owned our own houses, worked different schedules, etc. We both are extremely independent too. He also never shared anything with me. I would always find out after the fact, if at all. Like if he stopped by a friends house or something. Or I’d ask who he chatted with in e-mail and he would say none of my business. Not that I minded who he talked to, I really just wanted to know. Like I wanted to know who his friends were and how he knew them, etc. It was just trying to get to know him better. He didn’t think so though. We fought about that a lot. I’d accuse him on viewing porn on the internet, which in the beginning he did. Now I know it came from this one sick friend he has. He also subscribed to Maxim and Stuff magazines. I hate those magazines and how they portray women. I wanted him to cancel the subscription… he said he did, only to find out 8 months later, he never did. He didn’t do it until after he decided to move in with me. He was getting them and bringing them to work and hiding/lying to me about it. We fought over that (that is one that we decided to let go of – not worth arguing about anymore). He used to have these neighbors that I absolutely couldn’t stand. They were married, but they always had some other guy living with them. I mean, why on earth would newlyweds want to house another male? Anyway, this girl was always up in my face. I couldn’t even pull into the drive and get my truck shut off before she was at my window being all bubbly and asking me a million questions. I cannot handle people in my face like that especially if I don’t know them. She’d leave ‘thank you’ notes in my boyfriends truck, call him all the time, etc. That bugged me a lot. I wasn’t jealous because she (to me) is pretty unattractive and overweight. But her actions were a bit off to me, especially since she was married. We fought over them A LOT. They are pilots and my boyfriend is going to be one. Well, she is always offering to help in anyway that she can, etc. It’s to the point that it is really ridiculous. And when my boyfriend decided not to move in with me, he decided to move in with them. Well, we were broken up at the time, but I gave him an ultimatum. Bad I know, but I had to do it. I couldn’t remain his friend knowing that he lived with her. I made him choose them or me. He chose them. And I made no attempt to contact him. Then out of the blue he changes his mind. He’s still friends with them, but really watches it. Especially since after he moved in with me, he went over there twice – and conveniently forgot to tell me about it. I had to ask how many times he went over there since he moved in. His first response was it didn’t matter. Not a good enough answer for me, so I asked again. Then I got the real answer of twice. Crap hit the fan then. I put my foot down. No more going over there unless I know about it, no dinners over there, no calling her, he’s only allowed to talk to the guy, etc. I can take a lot, but once he lied to me, then it’s game on. I have to put my foot down. I’m not trying to control him either. If he was just honest with me, then things would be different. We did talk about this in counseling and we understand where we are coming from, but I still think it might be a sore spot. I don’t mind him going over there, but I need to know about it first. Anyway, we fought about that a lot. And a lot of my questions would be about *her* and if he talked to her and what her sneaky intentions were. Hey, I can’t like everybody! Lol. Other than that, I mostly made sarcastic comments. Like he wouldn’t have enough time during the day to come and take me to lunch, but he had enough time to stop by ‘their’ house, etc. I was full of negative comments. Rightly so, but wrong to continue doing.

I can see how your boyfriend is paranoid. I mean, after years of ‘loaded’ questions, wouldn’t you be? I can’t tell you how to act around your boyfriend. I know when I was constantly grilling him, I made a conscience effort to just stop the questions. As much as it bugged me, I had to let it go. It wasn’t doing either of us any good. And the situation wasn’t getting any better. Also, getting him to understand the difference between my questions now and what they used to be. That made a world of difference.

Hon, no one is responsible for your happiness but you. If you are getting into a grumpy mood because you cannot ask questions, that is your responsibility. You cannot keep letting it effect you like it has been. It’s very unhealthy. You are driving yourself nuts.

I don't have the magic answers for you. There is no quick fix for this either. You cannot change your behavior overnight, it is something that needs to be worked on. You have that opportunity now while your boyfriend is still your boyfriend and living with you.

You have to work with your boyfriend and your counselor on how to change and to help him understand that you are willing to do anything to keep the relationship. But when you make that commitment, you have to keep it. No going back. No looking back.

What communication have you had with your boyfriend today?
(((HUGS)))
Trooper

P.S. I agree with the above poster. You might want to try an antidepressent to slow your brain down. I'm actually going to talk to my counselor about going on one myself this Friday. Mine more has to do with a chronic illness that is really getting me depressed lately. But I've fought and fought so much that I have exhausted all other avenues. It's something that I need to at least try. Why don't you look into it?





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