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Sadgirl,

You asked me how I found the strength or will to just let my insecurities go. I guess because Iíve had a really good taste of life without him. He did break up with me twice because of my insecurities. Mainly because he couldnít take it anymore and he didnít know what else to do to prove to me that he is trustworthy. When this all came to a head, I cried and cried and cried. Literally I cried hard from 2 in the afternoon until the next morning. I had nothing left. It was affecting everything in my life. I turned depressed. I hated who I was when I acted crazy and insecure. I couldnít concentrate at work (and I just got a huge promotion). I didnít enjoy playing soccer anymore, I viewed it as a chore, and I play twice a week and always looked forward to it. I pulled back and didnít speak to my boyfriend a whole lot, just basic stuff. And finally, I couldnít take it anymore. I went to him (crying) and said I cannot fight with you anymore. And we just hugged each other and that was the last time I had a negative thought about what he is doing. It just isnít worth it to me anymore to focus on the Ďwhat ifsí. It consumed my life. Itís very unhealthy. I had to change in order to make myself happy first. Then his happiness, then came our happiness. I am happy now. As I stated before, I'm not building up stress or having anxiety over snooping anymore and fearing what I may find. I even went as far as to install a key logger on his computer, how pathetic am I. I had no right to do that.

Sadgirl, you have to come to the point where you want to change. I donít know if you are there or not. Until you are, your relationship will continue as is. It wonít get better. You will be stuck in this same evil pattern until you lose him for good. You can apologize and say you will change all you want to. But more than likely, he wonít forgive you. Again, I was one of the lucky ones.

Yes, my boyfriend has lied. But what I found was that what he was just doing normal guy things. Now we live together he has changed what he does on the computer and has cancelled subscription magazines, etc. I donít snoop anymore because I donít have to. I totally trust him. I always did. It was just my own insecurities getting in the way.

If I am tempted to snoop, I force myself to remember how I felt when he left me and I thought we were over for good. Itís the worst feeling in the world. And to jeopardize that just isnít worth it to me anymore. Heís the only thing that matters. I cannot live life by what I *think* he is doing. I wasted so much time concocting scenarios up in my head. It really was crazy. Now the temptation is gone. There is no need for it anymore. Iím glad I am past that. Just FYI, it took me a long time to realize and Iím in my early 30s.

Hon, I live my life by thisÖ that the truth will always come out. Whether it takes a day, a week, a year, 20 years, the truth always comes out. Just believe in that. If he is, then you will find out. But please stop living your life like he IS always lying when you donít know for sure. You are just going on assumptions. If he says he doesnít know how the links got there, the leave it at that and believe him. You arenít gaining anything by fighting him and repeating the same questions over and over.

There has to be deeper issues that we donít know of, causing this insecurity. This fear of him lying to you. You have to work on that. You have to work on you in order to change this.

Did you get to counseling last night? What happened? Have you talked to your boyfriend about things?

Let me know how you are doing,
Trooper
hey i just read your issue. and first and formost i like to give you props for not being nieve nd havin awareness. like you i was vey insecure with my boyfriend bcuz he had a repuation of being you know the thugged out heart breaker who don't give a damn about anything or anybody but money, being so so cruel to his gifriends. there was even a reputation of him beating on girls and havin kids and neglecting them. but i let my feelings get to the best of me and went out wih him anyways. through out our relationship there has been many who use to come tell me all different stuff about him like he was cheating on me and havinging othe kids and etc. some of this junk was coming from my use to be closest friends. and being that i'm very unhappy with my body's apperance i get insecure with when he look at other women too.but i looked at it this way he may be looking but every night he comes home to me and stay through the days with me vowing and appreciating what we had from each other.
when i confronted him about all the rumors and stories. he denied it. and witt every denial he made it his business to prove to me that he's nothing like what others say. so becuz i loved him so much i had no other choice but to trust him with the facts that i know he is very popular and have female friends. and guess what? by feb, 14,2004 we will be exchanging our wedding vows and start to live the rest of our blessed lives together as husband and wife.
this maybe hard for you to believe but this is the story of my current life. if you love him you got to sacrifice a lot. relationships are hard. within my relationship i learned a lot about how other people can have so much animosity for you when you're happy and inlove. computers they're just man made stuff. nevertheless he also has to contribute if he really loves you then he would make it his priority the gain your trust, you have to learn to work together in order to have faith in one another and be together happily. i wish you the best of luck.



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hey this is me, so confused, Thanx
Hi Sadgirl,

Yes, I have been through a lot with my boyfriend. Among the previously mentioned, two break ups. One lasting almost two months and the other just a month. The second one, I did go out on a limb and let him go. I left it up to faith. Thatís all I could do at that point. Yes, I gave him an ultimatum, but I couldnít be with him if he moved into another coupleís home. I told my best friend that as much as it hurt me, and as much as I loved him, I had to let it go. I knew he was my soul mate and Iíll believe that until the day I die. I even told him so. That if we couldnít be together and we went on to live our lives separately, I would still deep down in my heart of hearts, know that he was the one. Luckily for me, he couldnít live without me either. We have a very unique bond, one that I was destroying with my insecurities. When we are together, we are so on. We have the same interests and goals in life. We do everything together, hobby wise. We race cars, I have my own motorcycle (I wish heíd get one), we enjoy going to races, road trips, etc. I will forever be happy with him.

Despite everything that has happened, he truly was never up to anything. He never once cheated on me, wronged me, etc. I know, I snooped and proved myself wrong. Most of the stuff he Ďhideí was because he was terrified to tell me. Now who wants to be in a relationship like that? There is not a day now where I donít trust him. And if I feel like Iím letting my insecurities get the best of me, I tell him right away. I approach it like, ďyou know I totally trust you, but right now Iím feeling a bit down and ÖĒ then I go on to explain why. I open up the lines of communication first, instead of jumping the gun and accusing. We talk and then everything is fine.

Yes, we are planning on getting married. We are just waiting for his house to sell to the equity in the home back. Last week in therapy, he did a lot of talking, which was really unlike him (Iím a talker). He told the therapist how he sees our future and that what he does now is time consuming (becoming a pilot), but heís doing it for Ďusí and for me, to provide for me. And that heís ready to have a family. It was such a joy to hear that I wanted to jump his bones right then and there!!! Lol

When I accused my boyfriend of looking at other women, he would always say, ďI have no idea what you are talking aboutí. I see him with my own eyes, and I know that he does, even if it is just a glance. But you know what, it doesnít really matter to me. He lives with me and comes home to me. Heís going to see attractive women all the time. I will see attractive me all the time. Men are men, and are visual people. He isnít so bad though. Heís a people watcher, I know that about him. He looks at men and women. One time I just said, you know what, I find that to be extremely disrespectful to look at other women when Iím right here next to you. He agreed. End of discussion.

How do I manage to stop the questioning? EasyÖ I know what it feels like to be without him. Maybe that is what it is going to take for you, I donít know. I just feel that it is trivial stuff. I know he isnít doing anything. I trust him. And Iím not going to go back to my old patterns again. Also, he has opened up the lines of communication by sharing more of what he does. So, once he tells me whatís going on, I donít need to ask anymore questions. I believe him. So yes, there is something I tell myselfÖ I remind myself of the agony I went through on our breakups. I never want to feel like that again.

Just because you have an appetite and can do your job doesnít mean that your brain isnít on over load. Maybe an antidepressant can help with that. I donít know, Iím not a doctor. But I think that was the point MJK98 was trying to get across. It just might give you the head start you need on stopping the questioning. Or as another poster stated, there could be alternative ways. Again, Iím no doctor. You just have to do what you feel is right for you.

I donít know what to tell you to do anymore, than what I have already suggested. I donít have the magic answer for you. I donít know how to get you to stop the grilling sessions. You have to solve that yourself. For me it took me losing my boyfriend. Unfortunately, I think that might happen to you if you donít put a stop to it now.

Have you asked your therapist on how to stop your reactions to things, and how to stop the questioning you give your boyfriend? She should have some exercises for you to work on. If I were you, Iíd use the resources you have to find out why you are so insecure and have trust issues.

How was you night last night? Anything happen?

(((HUGS)))
Trooper





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