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Very confused
Sep 20, 2003
I am 23 year old guy, currently going steady with a lady 6 year older than me. Her parents disapprove our relationship but we still go on. Luckily my parents did not stop me but they didn't know her parents wasn't happy with this relationship. Whenever she's out her mother would call up and lecture her to stop wasting time out there and so on. Spoke to her mother once, she called me up and tells me she would rather her daughter not marry than marry someone younger than her. Its been one year plus already we've been going out. I am trying to cope with the relationship as she herself don't tell her circle of friends that I am her boyfriend after so long. So everyone still thinks she is single. I don't feel good about that and we often get into this issue for an argument. It will end up still being the same. I don't see anything wrong with the girl being older. We are fine when its just the both of us together but when it comes to her friends its different. Her mother always calls her up in the night after 8 to make sure she's not with me and if she was, she'd rush her to come back and she'll get so fed up and have to go back. I got kinda fed up too with things, but I am bearing this with her because I love her, and I know she does love me too. Lately we've not been seeing each other much, we've got our work to do, plus if she finishes work at 6pm or later, she'll have to go back because her mother will keep calling her until she does. So the only time we see each other is during our breaks in between day time, and lately we only see each other twice a week and each time for only an hour or a little more. She just attended one of her friend's wedding dinner which I wasn't invited because none of her friends knows she had a boyfriend, after that, she went out for a drink with her old classmates for a drink and came back at 1am. When I called her at 1230 she didn't pick up the call. She did that before because she don't want to answer to her friend in case they asked her who called. So when she's home she called me, we spoke and I gave a very cold atitude which she doesn't detect, only for a few minutes and I said, we gotta stop talking here, because I want to sleep. So I hung up the phone, but I didn't sleep. I don't know how she feels but I am getting shaky with this relationship already. Its really hard going on like this actually, with her mother and friends in between. In the beginning of this relationship, she was very sacrificial, argued with her mum a lot of times, and when her mum did something bad to stop her from seeing me, she would threaten her mum that she will move out. She was rebellious when she was a teenager, her mother is VERY controlling, she had to dress what her mother asked her to dress, eat what she's asked to eat, and act how she's asked to act. Of course, those no longer applies. I really don't know what to do. I am very confused. I love her very much and I do not believe in random relationship. I believe in marriage and old age together but this seems to be giving me problem. Have anyone here who is close to 30 and their mother still decide who she can see and who she can't? Her mother still does it and it will go on forever. I've planned to go cold with her whenever I see her, I won't entertain her much on the phone like I always do, and if there's a chance for us to meet up, I'll try to avoid. I am trying to minimize our seeing each other and so on and make our relationship weak. All this so that I will know if I can live without her. I am seriously considering a break up. I am frustrated about this matter every night and its really bugging me. If her mother would never let her marry me in the future, this relationship is going nowhere. Can someone please advice? Anything at all.
Re: Very confused
Sep 23, 2003
Her friends are the kind who always wanted to be successful, popular and so on and they are always competing who gets the best in life. I guess by having me she felt inferior and her friend's boyfriends are succesful, older and so on. ALthough she's still seeing me, but we always have to do it like we're hiding, I can't go to her house to pick her up and she had to lie to her mother about who she's going out with. I asked her to let her mum knows about it and not hide it because that will make matters worst. I wanted her mum to accept the fact slowly that her daughter loves someone and she should let it be if I am not a bad person. I asked her mum to give me a chance and get to know me better before judging me but she said its not about knowing you, its just about your age. Then her mum did things that hurt me the most by telling my gf that I came from a bad background, my dad is a bad person and I am a bad person and so on, all which she had no evidence to. The church that I once attended( I left after what the pastor told me ), is not a bad place but the pastor was new and he just wanted to be in favour of the parents in that church. So everyone else is picking on me. Now I am in another church, attending regularly with my girlfriend. No problem there. But her mum is taking a lot of her time so I only get to see her once a week, that which is a Sunday actually during church and after that she has to return. She don't even dare to tell her mum she wants to go out anymore because she don't know how to find excuses. So her mum will call her up everytime she finishes work and tell her, we're at the dinner place and we'll wait until you come, so she had to go. I've never had dinner with her for 2 months already so I really felt her mum is very selfish. And yes her mum do believe in arranged marriage and has set up dates for her several times but she just ignore it. The worst thing I had to feel was when we just started, her mum arranged for her to meet a guy who is interested in her and wanted to marry her straight because he's kinda old, and I asked her to say NO to the appointment but she said she had to be nice and at least attend the dinner with the guy. How can a man handle that? I let my girl go out on a match making dinner night with a guy who is pursuing marriage with her?? And when I got angry with her, she got angry with me back saying I don't understand. I am beginning to feel that I am wrong. I just want ladies opinion. Am I really insensitive with what I do? I just want some recognition. I don't want to be able to be called her boyfriend only when her friends and no one else can see me and her together. But in front of her friends, which I went out with together before, she had to pretend I am just another friend so I can't hold her hands, I can't get near her, and I had to endure seeing guys talking to her getting intimate with her while I stand one side just pretending to smile at that. No one had any idea how angry I was that moment. When I fetch her to work sometime, she would ask me to park the car far away, because she don't want her boss to see a me fetching her to work. Now that is like rubbing salt to my injuries. THere was once, she planned for a dinner with me so we don't want to bring two cars, so I took a cab to a place to wait for her to finish work, that place mind you have no seats and I have to stand waiting. She lets me stand there and wait for her for 1 hour, and when I show some faces, she got angry again so I said sorry. She had a really close guy friend, which occasionally she will go out with, this guy particularly liked her before but she rejected him once, her mum liked this guy cause he's ok and he's older. I don't like her going out with him, not because I am easily jealous but because she refuse to let him know that she already had a boyfriend. When I am angry she said I was ridiculous. Am I being over jealous? I am really frustrated. Woman, please tell me your point of view. If I am wrong, just tell me so that I could change to make my gf feel happier.

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