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Shock
i must have missed something because i didnt know the guy lived 6 hours away i thought he was local to where you live, hmm makes things even more ridiculous, what was she planning to do move there or have him move down, it sounds to me that she really had this fantasy thing going and it got blown out of the water once you found out, one way or another is they are really serious about being together one of them would have to totally uproot not that its not unheard of but i highly doubt if this guy has a job he is going to do that and your wife wouldnt be allowed to move away with the kids in a divorce usually its a 25 mile radius thing so being that i now found out he is 6 hours away i think maybe this guy was looking for an affair and now this is getting way to out of his thinking process way to sticky hopefully this is a phase she is going through may i ask how old she is?
i also think that she needs to get counseling because she has to find out what made her do this
what does she think she is lacking and you need to think the same way and try and bring the spark back
stop berating her its not going to help the situation
i know you are angry but its only going to move her further away
its good that you are out of town i hope you get a good night sleep
:)
Hi Shocked,

So you're back on the road again! I hope you have some time to sort things out even further. As hard as this all has been, I can see that each day it's getting easier for you to deal with the situation. Initially of course there's the shock, the feelings of betrayal, and these never fully leave you, but at this point you are able to think past the cheating and start thinking about what has to be done.

I've been following and supporting you all the way in here, and I guess the hardest thing for me to understand or relate to, is let's say, a typical evening in the "shocked" house since all this has happened and the cards are on the table. I mean, how does one behave once they've exposed their sins? Does she expect you not to have weak moments where you get upset? It seems to me that she expects you to be understanding and give her time....I don't know. What is it like? Dinner w/the kids as if nothing is going on? Don't they ask questions when they see mom and dad distancing themselves from one another? I guess that's what makes it hard being on this end to understand.

I don't think your wife is depressed. Prior to being exposed w/the affair, she was a happy person...and prior to touching base w/him, she was living life w/you and content w/what she had, actually, based on what you said before, she was very happy before. I think both parties in a marriage get comfortable and especially after 21 years of marriage. However, when one of the two people are unhappy, don't feel like they are loved, being shown attention, etc. it doesn't warrant an affair. I believe you should completely leave the relationship if the love is lost, and then take care of your needs when you are out of the committed relationship. Anyway, how's the trip coming? Anymore thoughts on Cancun?
In all this time, your wife has never given reason as to why she did what she did? Regardless of her having done the wrong thing, majority of people at least make up an excuse as to why they began an affair or give some type of reason. Aside from what your wife did, as you stated, your wife doesnt appear to have made many friends in her 20 year marriage. I find this odd, especially having school aged children. Not that she needs to have hundreds of friends, but most women will have a few close friends, then a few not so close friends and the circle widens, but still they have different friends for different situations.

From your description of your wife, she doesnt seem to have been a happy person "deep" down. Seems to be a surface type of happiness. She doesnt come across as very willing to share her deepest feelings b/c if she did, she'd have been able to discuss issues at hand since you discovered her unfaithfulness. Also, if she were capable of discussing issues/problems, she wouldn't have entered into the affair, she would have discussed with you the areas of the relationship she wasn't happy with.

It doesnt appear that she knows what she wants or knows what she's doing. She seems like a leaf floating down a stream and is just going wherever the water takes her. She's likely, as you said, getting advice from all the wrong people. Most probably after all this is over and the two of you are divorced she will realise that she wanted to be with you all along. When she saw that she was caught out she ought to have gone for a trial seperation with counselling and she ought to have approached her old flame about life together. Maybe the best type of reality check for her would be to see that this guy doesnt want her. Surely if he wanted her in his life, he would have made some form of arrangements by now. I'd say he's probably only after an "affair", but nothing committed.

There is no real back/white way of solving what has happened or figuring out why it happened. She is either a very impressionable woman and was easily swayed by her old flame or was very unhappy with life, maybe had self esteem issues........could be a zillion reasons, but it's sad she couldn't come and tell you. As you can see, i'm really curious as to "why" b/c i think in that is the root of the whole problem. If she had told you at the start, you could have come to terms and been able to work things out much better. Instead, her silence and all the unanswered questions would only serve to make you more unhappy and bitter, kind of like rubbing salt into a wound.





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