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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=Dark Stranger;4591509]A couple of friends of myself and my boyfriend's who are dating recently got engaged after about five years of being together, and I'm starting to worry that this will get my boyfriend talking about marriage. He has expressed many times in the past he wants to marry me, and I'm happy to know he loves me that much. The thing is, however, I have not yet told him I have no interest in getting married.

This is not to say I don't want to be with him...I do. I don't want to see anyone else romantically but him, but the thought of being married to anyone makes me seriously sick to my stomach. If other people want to get married, then great, but it would not be a good fit for me personally, and this is why:

- [B]Do not want to take his surname.[/B] Besides the fact that my name is on my past professional work and my diploma, I'd rather not share a surname with his family of drunks, teen mothers, and smokers. He wants me to take his name and didn't like when I said if I were to marry him, I'd keep my surname.

- [B]Do not want to spend tons of money on a single day.[/B] If I had to get married, I'd do it at the courthouse with a witness and in comfortable clothing (maybe even a pants suit). BF said he'd be upset with me if I didn't want a traditional wedding with me being in a big frumpy white dress.

-[B] Domestic partnership.[/B] From what I know, living together with a significant other for a few years means you are involved in a legally-recognized domestic partnership, which is just as good as marriage. So why get married?

- [B]I like the way we are now.[/B] The way I see it, we have a romantic, personal relationship right now. By getting married, we involve the state...we have to get a license. Our relationship becomes not only legal, but expensive to get out of should things go south. Marriage just seems too final for me, and not in a good way. Heck, one of the aforesaid mutual friends has actually said my BF and I act like an old married couple already who have lost all the spark out of their relationship because I often lament about no longer dating the man I first met five years ago.

- [B]Becoming the stereotypical married couple.[/B] Yeah, sure, in the beginning it might be nice, but then you spend more time together and the love sometimes dwindles. You may end up more like roommates than spouses. You could end up hating one another - those marriage stereotypes don't just start themselves, and the 50 percent divorce rate does not give me much faith in the institution of marriage.

Thankfully, my boyfriend is far too broke to afford a ring to surprise me with, so I don't have to worry about embarrassing him by turning him down if he were to stupidly try and propose to me in public. He shows little hope of ever moving out of his parents' house and I will probably be unable to even afford to live due to my debts...and neither of our families has money to pay for any sort of wedding anyway, so thankfully, I don't think a wedding is in my future realistically anyway. Good thing I was never one of those girls who dreamt of their wedding day since I was in grade school. :jester:

Still though, I think I should someday tell my boyfriend I'm not interested in marriage. But I don't want him to think it's because there's another man...there isn't. How can I explain to him that I'm the reason I don't want to ever be married, and not him?[/QUOTE]

To me it seems like you need to tell him the true. I am sure you love him and he loves you, but excuse the bluntness of this, but if neither of you will compromise how are you going to make things work in the future. Whether you are married or not there has to be compromises or it probably not work out. He wants marriage and kids and you do not sounds like these are major road blocks for the two of you. Relationships whether legally recognized or not are built on communication. It does seem you have an issue with his habits and family. Both of you really need to sit down and talk honestly and openly about what are deal breakers and what each will compromise on.

Your reasons are your reasons, I agree with some not with others. I hope that both of you can sit down reasonably and discuss things and both of you have to be open minded about the others feelings. That is how long relationships last whether married or unmarried.

I wish you both luck.





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