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Thanks for all the replies, i'm glad that at least I now know that the root of my paranoyer is down to the loss of my dad and being in an unhealthy relationship when I was young. I have been reading your posts and doing loads of thinking over the last few days, and you all are completely right, I do have low self esteem, last year I had a nose job and next week i'm getting a boob job, I am on a mission to look perfect but I do know there is no such thing as perfect, it all depends on your indevidual taste, my partner never met me pre nose job so it makes no difference to him, but I have asked him his opinion on boobs and he has admitted that he does prefer them big but that he's not shallow so he wouldn't pick out the good and bad on how I look, he just see's me for who I am and even though being some one with low self esteem it's hard to accept it's something to think about when i do look in the mirror, and even though my boyfriend works with other pretty girls he doesn't see them like that he just see's them as girls he works with. My ex was very controlling and very insecure himself, he would voice all his insecurities to me, it got so bad that I went to a my chemical romance concert and my ex thought I would be kissing all the lads there before bringing the lead singer home! he never let me wear make up, never let me get my nails done and I have platinum blonde hair so it's a mission to keep up with the regrowth but he would make me ask permission to bleach my roots, he hated that other men would look at me so would make sure i didn't stand out, and hated that my hair did make me stand out, he wouldn't let me go out in anything slighty revealing, even showing off my arms was a no no! I wasn't alowed tattoo's or piercings and if I dared mention i wanted a tattoo i would just get the usual answer of if you want it that bad break up with me first! his video games and love of sport were always put before me, we worked together and spent time together every evening and the guys at work were very intimidated by him so wouldn't really talk to me incase my ex would kick off at them, then he got the sack and everything changed, men dared talk to me and then someone new started and showed me interest which gave me a confidence boost, I wouldn't dare do anything as I am very faithful and very loyal but it showed me that I didn't need to stay in this rubbish relationship where all love had gone, it had just turned into a routine, thats when I ended the realtionship. thats when I felt my strongest, I went out, got a tattoo, wore what I wanted, got my nails done and started wearing make up, all my friends said I was a different person. but then 3 months later my dad was diagnosed with cancer and my world collapsed, about 3 months after that I started speaking with my current boyfriend and 6 weeks later we were official, we fell in love very fast and have been so close ever since, but when my dad passed it was at home, it was expected but not the night it happened because he was fine during the day and it all happened so quick, I called my boyfriend in the middle of the night and all I said was is I need you and he put the phone down got ready and was with me as soon as he could, the paramedics where upstairs trying to revive my dad and nurses where downsatirs with me and my mum and my boyfriend just came in and held me until the paramedics came in and told us there was nothing else they could do, I screamed the house down and my partner took me into the kitchen and told me that we will get through this together and thats when I realised just how much I needed him and the fear of losing him started creaping in then, my boyfriend stayed with me for a few days after, took time off work to help us through the first few days but one afternoon he had to go home to see his dad and sort out a few things and I was terrified of him leaving me just for a couple of hours and asked him to text me as soon as he got home so i knew he was ok. after that is when the fear turned into paranoyer of him leaving me for someone else or just not wanting me anymore and now I can see the trail hopefully I can start backtracking so I get back to the point just before my dad passed and I could look at my boyfriend and think thats my boyfriend, he's gorgeous, he's the one I plan to stay with, I'm the only one he wants, he's my other half and thats how it will stay, instead of oh my god he's so gorgeous every girl must want to be with him, he could have any girl he wants so why would he stay with me. I keep thinking of things my boyfriend has said or done with me that give me reassurance, we have a joint account together now which was my boyfriends idea and we are saving for a deposit on a house with it, he keeps updating me about how much we have in there and we often talk about what sort of house we want and how nice it will be when we do live together.
My childhood was a great one, my parents were together the whole time so I've grown up seeing relationships do work, so I guess I now have to work on how to leave my past realationship in the past because that will be the core of my insecurities and like you have said, the teenage years are key to self esteem building so being in a controlling relationship where I wasn't allowed to be myself has done some damage, my partner now is so different, we have a rule, we can do whatever we want as long as we are faihful and respect eachothers feelings. and I need to teach myself that as long as my boyfriend is happy he has no reason to leave me, and I do do my best to make him happy, I always show him affection and look after him by doing little things for him, just simple things like get up and make him a packed luch. thanks again for your replies, they have really giving me food for thought and it has been very thereputic writing all this, I have probs bored you with my essay of what has been going through my head but it's been good for me.

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