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I dont think i am crazy , but i probably am .
I know how it looks from my perspective, but objectively , i think it appears crazy .

from my point of view, ,i can say , .

D deleted me .

I knew she would
i feared she would
i dreaded she would
i prayed she wouldnt .

We Broke up 10 years ago .

She was upset .
I said ' maybe we should take a break ' ( as i thought thats what she wanted to hear )
She said ' Break , .. yes lets take 10 years .. you can go to Australia like you wanted '

I didn't go to Australia , but moved away.
Met a woman , got married , worked the 9-5 .

10 years later , last week , November 2010 , D adds me on Facebook .
I had no way of ever finding her .

Really blew my mind , like I imagined it / Hallucinated ?
She had her 4 friends on from 10 years ago , and me . Surely she had met more people than that in 10 years .
maybe this was a second account , in her maiden name , and she was reminiscing about the 5 of us that she knew back then .

She added me , 10 years alater,
as she said she would
she did her part of the bargain

i didnt want to hold her to it
i absolved her , of putting a bullet in my head
invited her to do it .
begged her to do it

she added me on facebook .

i requested it about 2 years ago .
no reply
wasnt even sureif it was the right person .

no postings to her wall.

i emailed initially , after leaving it for a day , 1 day , to pretend to be nonchalant ,
then after 1 day , couldnt hold out,
only might have one opportunity , before she deleted, me ,
didnt want her to think i didnt care.

' hi
nice to hear from you
if you are in london , feel free to give me a shout


appearing , trying to , be a bit laid back .

no reply ..

i'll certainly buy you a drink , . i need a drink .. in work , cant talk . or think too well , but really amazing to hear from you '

- no reply .
i'm sure she's not THAT deperate for a drink after 10 years .
what did / does it all mean > ?

3. " i thought i was dreaming , when you added , em , still not sure if I am hallucincating ... woudl be nice to hear form you , if even to reassure me , its not a nigerian scam'

no reply .
humour didnt work .
what does this mean ?

4. anyway , thought id share with you , what id been up to .
moved to london , working away etc... how did you get on ? did you move back home ?etc

no reply ..i thought she wanted to be friends , so tried to make small talk .
no reply
what do i need to do to get a response ?
its this passive aggressive business .. like i have to guess what the matter is after 10 years .
i'll keep trying..

5. ' ok , sorry , please delete my rambling emails . i dont know what to make of this . i dont know what to say' .

no reply .
being bit passive aggressive .
read up on passive aggressive
advised , dont get angry
try to explain

6. ' hi , i think you are punishing me , i wish you'd tell me what was wrong . i wish i could read your mind . let me know if you'd like to talk , so i can make it better. i really value our friendship/

no reply .
started to get a bit fed up , waiting for the inevitable 'delete'... fed up with this , so boring and predictable .
i'd tried to contact 3 times over the past 10 years.
it was left in a very dramatic way .... 'take a break .. yes for about 10 years ' , ...
Me: maybe i'll go over to Lithuania sometime.
'you'll never meet anyone like me again , no matter where you look '

I couldnt handle being in the city , maybe bumping into her , maybe seeing her with some other guy .
i moved to Dublin , then quit moved to Scotland , then England , and threw myself into my work for 10 years .

I met a nice Woman , supportive , kind ,patient , who could ignore my mild mood swings , irritability , like a naughty child , knowing my bark is worse than my bite, and by not repsonding , and maybe getting me a cup of coffee or treating me with some kindness , it would embarrass me listening to myself , and i'd settle down .
My mother had the opposite approach to my Dad .
If he was pissed off , she'd smile , relishing it as an opportunity to point score on him , and add petrol to the flames , to escale into world war III .
i just wanted away out of that .
I never wanted a relationship like that .

7 . I thought , ok .. she added me as a friend , and i treated her like a friend , but she hasnt replied , so i dont think she wants to be friends , so why add me.
does she want to embarrass or humilate me in front of my friends online? these are all my collegues , it could destroy my reputation if she started arguing personal stuff in public.

i emailed , ' i dont know why you added me . i thought you wanted to be friends , you havent replied to any of my emails . i think its quite passive aggressive . i dont know what to say . i never knew what you saw in me , i never knew what made you happy , i never knew what i said that annoyed you . i dont know why you;ve added me now , i wont understand , there is no point , trying to understand .. i dont want to go to any heroic lengths , either we are going to meet half way or not , btu i am not going to do all the running . i am not apologising anymore , it was 10 years ago . i am angry hat you left me 10 years ago , its been like a french tragedy , where the guy ends up dead or messed up in some way . i dont know what you want from me .
i am married , working away . i never thought id hear from you again . if you hadn't added me , i'd have had no way to ever find you . i dont know what country you are in , what your circumstances are , i cant speak Hungarian .

no reply

8 , ok , i am sorry , i really appreciate that you added me . i am just frustrated that you added me , and havent communicated with me .
I was thinking maybe you wer in trouble or something.
is everything ok?
i am glad you havent deleted me , as i thought you would .
I think that we can / i can talk honestly ( you are welcome to ) , means we are over the worst of it . its just a lot for me to take in and i'm trying to make sense of it .
i hope that it is true that you havent wanted to delete me , instead of you maybe havet just checked your emails , and then you recieve these 8 emails and go . 'this guy is crazy ' and delete me
its affecting my sleep , i cant settle my mind . please help me out

no reply

9 . dear dear D ,
i just want to say that i have tremendous respect and affection for you , and i hope you wil take this in the construcive way its meant , but i think some of your behaviour is passisve aggressive .
added link to wikipedia ' passive aggressive' ' anti-social ' personality disorder .

do you think any of these may be the way you are feeling .
if you are angry with me , please talk to me and we can work it out
glad you havent deleted me .

no reply

glad you havent deleted me , ok , lets change the topic .
how are things where you are ?
I'm working on a few business ideas , you might be interested in .

let me know if these are of any interest.

no reply ..

ok , so needed a break .

got a but frustated, on facebook .

bryan ferry ' dotn stop the dance'

killers 'smile like you mean it ' about .. murder trilogy
killers 'jenny was a friend of mine' .. about guy who didnt want to lose his girlfriend and ended up killing her

placebo ' bitter end'
placebo ' twenty years to go '

banksy - street art
picture of helicopter gun ship , with a pink bow on it

basement jaxx cish cash .. synchronised tanks dancing

mr brainwash , - life is beautiful


then just a meeting i was going to
trying to regain some composure

no reply

11. thanks for not deleting me
i am really glad you added me and reassured hat you havent deleted me .
i dont know what to do to take it fom here , but thanks reply

next morning..

--> i'd been deleted !!!


12.i checked her 5 friends , to see if it was just me , but she was gone from their friends list aswell

i have another facebook account . i thought maybe i couldnt see as i was blocked .
i found her friends on my other account ... she was gone from their friends list also .

13..i couldnt understand .. checked other of her friends ... gone from their friend list aswell .
i think she closed her account .

14. in desperation , i emailed her friend , and said , i was deleted, maybe she just didnt want to be in contact with me , but its upset me , and looks liek shes closed her account . had you heard from her recently .

reply ' no , Sorry i cant help you out with D . i havent been in contact with D for many years '...

15 . so now i am totally confused, and dont know what to do .

i might have sent too many emails , but wanted to connect with her .
i started off pleasant enough , but then when didnt reply , i got more frustrated and confused .

I think the message she got , in addition to the many emails was ...
'10 years ... Twenty years to go ( placebo ) .. take 20 years '
jenny was a friend of mine ... this will get you killed .

is it for the best , to leave it .
i can put it behind me , would only be a mistake .
I love her so much it breaks my heart , but its a disaster area.
My life has felt like a a black and white french film for 10 years .
is it not understandable i'd be angry confused and upset .
should she not have borne with me .

or did she just want me to be upset , as I'm sure she knew how i'd react , and as i reacted as she predicted .. that it would hurt me to delete me .. ignore me , see me rise , ... ignore .. delete me .... is that not a slap to me ? is that what she wanted ?

What do I do now ?

I invited her to linkedIn , and had a visit from a university in Hungary .
She studied in Hungary , though a different university , before she met me , so she might have returned there .

my gut reaction is to fly out to Hungary , to try to get some answers , but that would only be more crazy .
is that what she wants me to do , or just to hurt me .
am i being a coward , in not following her , finding her the past 10 years .

I settled for the safe option , quiet life , no drama , surburban domesticity with a wife who says she cares about me , but we live mostly independant lives and never go out , or do anything together .

Am i being a Coward ? or should i Do something?
I dont know how to make sense of it , or what to do .

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