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Confused
Nov 11, 2010
I don't know exactly where to start....I'm very confused. I guess the problem is mine so I'll start with me. I suffer from an extreme mood disorder and for a few years it was untreated and out of control. That was some years back and in the intervening years I have worked hard at getting and being well. Early on in that process I met my current boyfriend. He had issues of his own that were different than mine but was equally committed to getting and being well. Independently but together we have picked up the ruins of our lives and built something both of us would have said was impossible prior. Sounds great right?

Here's the thing though. Now that my life is together and I am doing well some dreams I had previously thought were impossible I now want because I see they are possible. I want to get married. I want to have children. I want family and holiday traditions. I want a house and to travel to Ireland regularly. He tells me in the future maybe, he's not ready yet. Well I am not young. If I want these things I can not put them off indefinitely. I have already put them off and fertility issues means I can't afford to keep putting them off. He has a child already so it is of no urgency to him at all.

Everything I have read says that marriage and children are deal breakers in a relationship. When I try to talk to him about this he tells me I am throwing him an ultimatum- get married and have kids with me or I am leaving. It doesn't matter how I approach it. It's not an ultimatum for me. It's just I want these things- let me be more specific- I NEED these things in my life. How long do I wait for him to be ready? And yeah, I guess in a sense it's an ultimatum in that these are essential in my life- they ARE deal breakers. I feel like he's just putting it off until it's not possible.

As I said, he has a five year old child. I find myself resenting the hell out of him. I can no longer respect his approach to the relationship he has with his child because I see his child suffering from it as the child's mother has her own issues not dealt with. He lets his fear dictate everything where the child is concerned. That in turn then leaks over to our relationship and our having children. It's poison in our relationship.

On the other hand we have a very good relationship. He loves me. He is kind and generous. He is thoughtful and caring. I feel safe and happy around him (which are big deals for me).He is tolerant of my many health issues(which is HUGE). He knows ALL of me and loves me. I wonder if I am suffering from a huge case of the grass is greener on the other side because even without marriage and children my life is good. Our relationship, I believe is truly rare (if perhaps becoming less so). He works extremely hard on himself every day.

I guess all of that said I see and feel more and more the poison running through our relationship. How do I have a conversation with him about this without making it seem like an ultimatum? How do I give him his time without throwing away my needs and without resenting him for it? I can't stop my biological clock and if I wait too long it will be too late. I've asked a few times to try couples therapy to which he's said no flat out. He won't consider it. I don't want to leave my relationship but I also don't want to give up what is essential to me in order to stay in it either.





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