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I recently broke up with my boyfriend who I now believe to be a sociopath. We were together almost a year as of New Years'. It was the most volatile year of my entire life, and I literally feel like I am someone completely different than I was a year ago. It felt like 5 years all packed into one.

The breakup is not going well as I can't get him to accept that this is over. The way I left was a bit dramatic because it had to be. I left in the middle of the night and called a cab to the airport and flew to my sister's where I knew I could be safe and have some peace.

I was wrong about the peace. For two weeks more he begged and pleaded and promised me a million different things. I knew not to believe these, as I've heard them all before and none of them were ever honored. He threatened to kill himself, which I half suspected was just another game he was playing, but didn't want to risk it as he does have a history of suicide attempts. I called his mother to explain that i was very worried about him, and that it may be a good idea to check up on him, but that him and I would no longer be speaking. She promised she wouldn't mention the phone call to him, and thanked me for letting her know. After this, I saw via his facebook wall (i know, this is getting so sound so immature and juvenile... but really, this is how he is) things that said "RIP" and "I heard what happened, I'll treasure the memories." etc. This did not make sense to me and I couldn't figure out what was worse- if it was true, or if it was some sick joke. I scrambled to figure out what was going on, contacting someone who wrote it, and also checking with his mother again to see if she had heard from him.
It turns out it was a joke, which he called to apologize for, while laughing.
After that, I cut off contact completely, and I thought it was finally over.

I don't know how it happens, but he started sending me messages and leaving me voicemails telling me how much he loved me and missed me, how terribly sorry he was and that he wishes we hadnt hurt me and how he wishes he had done things differently and how he's not going to give up on "us" and he's going to "wait" for me... and little by little I started to feel bad for him, and I would send short responses to these. Truth be told, I was/am simply worried about him. He needs help. I keep trying to remind myself that I can't give that to him, and that he probably doesn't even want it the way he says he does.

It is so hard to hear him say these things that I am struggling to see as a lie. He created an illusion of love that only I was standing in, and now that I'm out, I see the truth. But he can suck me in so easily with the pity and the worry and the just wanting to set the record straight. He wants to leave making me feel like the bad guy, and I'm not. I hate that I always had to take the blame for everything, when It's not my fault. That isn't to say that I did everything right... like I said, I turned into someone else too. He always would say "You're becoming what you hate" because I stooped to his level- to DEFEND myself, for my own survival. I know that isnt an excuse, but it is what it is.

Just the other day he told me how I opened so many parts of him that needed to be opened, and I also dulled many parts and he'll never forget me. And when I expressed my gratitude, he went on to say that he's been with someone else and he can still smell this girl on him, and it isn't me. And I got what I asked for etc... and THEN, he says "I'm sorry, i didn't sleep with anyone, i was just saying that so you would talk to me"

So many things he did and said make so much sense now, and still I can't get him out of my life. He keeps telling me that I should come visit him for New Years (our 1 year anniversary) and he'll make it such a great night and so on. And I have ignored him and ignored him, and still he will not leave me alone. His number is already blocked in my phone, but he just makes restricted calls, and can somehow still text message me. I feel as if he is watching me everywhere I go, even though we are hundreds of miles away from each other now.

This guy as pushed me, hit me, shoved me, yelled in my face, made me feel lower than dirt, told me how he'd always be there for me- and then ran away when i needed him most (I got pregnant with his baby three months ago and had an abortion, which, at the last minute, he decided not to be present for, and went out partying a day later while I was at home depressed, tired, and in pain) He has made me absolutely insane, and numb to human emotion.

I hate to make myself to be the victim, because I take responsibility that I did tolerate his behavior for so long. But I am trying not to now, and he is making it so so difficult. I feel trapped. I have even thought about changing my name.

Does anyone have any ideas as to what can I do??

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