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I'll try to keep this brief.
I've known this guy for 6 years, not well, but enough to know I haven't been interested. He was always just odd in some way (the first night we met he intro'd me to everyone as his wife or future wife, he would send me texts of lists of food - not to say he was hungry or he wanted to take me out for dinner, but just food names. it was just weird and this was on top of clingy behaviour).
Well I hadn't seen him for two years before about 2 months ago. We hung out the night we bumped into each other, drinking, so I wasn't too eager to meet up with him again.
Finally I relented, and we ended up hanging out a couple of weekends later (the whole weekend) and I actually really liked him. He seemed really 'masculine' and allowed me to be really 'feminine' - I work in high end business so I appreciated a chance to feel girly around him. I saw that he was a go-getter, ambitious, focused, all things I found very attractive.
I went on a vacation shortly thereafter and we kept in touch the whole time.
Keep in mind he had been telling me he loved me, wanting me to have his babies, wanting to grow old with me etc. since the first day we started hanging out again but I did not encourage that behaviour from him. He also intro'd me to everyone as his gf.
He got quite jealous and passive aggressive when I was out one night while on vacay and my phone died. I realized he was not good at communicating so I was trying to be very sensitive toward that. I didn't get mad, but reassured him. One thing I hate the most is passive aggressiveness.
Now, about once or twice a week he gets totally clingy and insecure (like why do you like me? I'm ugly. You can do so much better than me. I'm not in shape like before). To me, thats not attractive.
A cpl of weeks ago we slept together for the first time. I slept at his house twice before that, but each time he slept on the couch in the living room while I slept in the bed. I hated that he slept in another room, but he works 15-20 hrs a day and goes to sleep at 6am. I get up at 6 am and have a fulltime job, fulltime student, and have a part-time job. Our schedules are totally opposite; he snores, can't fall asleep when I do, so decided sleeping on the couch was better.
Once, he told me he hated me. He then qualified it by saying he hated it when he's not around me, and hated that I hadn't followed through in the previous 6 years. The night we slept together, I was on the phone with my brother's friend, and 'my guy' came up to me and said he didn't trust me. He doesn't trust hot girls.
SO we get to his house, sleep together (the night before I specifically asked him to stay in bed with me) and, when I realize he's not in bed with me, I went to the couch to cuddle and he pushed me off the couch.
So I brought it up the next day (by telling him I felt worthless because he dates me/doesn't trust me/pushed me away from him) and he called me crazy, that we've only been hanging out for 2 months, he likes me, etc. and started getting passive aggressive, telling me he doesn't want to talk to me. then 2 seconds later tells me he loves me and wants me.
we got in another fight on the weekend. by now i am officially his gf (he had taken it away from when he first said it 2 mnths ago); and on sunday when we were fighting he told me never to talk to him again (so we were less than 24 hr bf and gf), later on we started talking again and I asked him if we were still bf and gf and he said 'we'll talk about it later'. I was PISSED. so he's given and taken away the title of 'gf' twice, gives and takes away 'i love you's etc'. I decided not to contact him again, but, by chance, I bumped right into him the next day. We talked a bit. I told him he was a loose cannon, all over the place and it seems he has issues (in a concerned way, not a b*tchy way). He still wants to be together and he's contacting me all the time now. About s*x too.
My problem is I don't trust him anymore. I trust him with girls, and I actually trust that he likes me, But because of the taking away and giving me of the gf/I love yous depending on if he is mad at me or not, his moodiness, passive aggressiveness and insecurities are diminishing the level of trust I had for him. My friends think he acts like Jekyll and Hyde. He has never had a gf though (although he is a few years older than me) and apparently does not know how to communicate in a healthy manner.
Anyway, my plan is to tell him my concerns and tell him because I don't really trust him anymore (and am therefore not excited to sleep with him again), that i want to take this back to ground zero - just dating, no sleeping together, etc. He'll probably think I'm nuts, but on the off chance he agrees - how do I start to trust him again? I have never in my life dated someone I don't trust, but I am slightly attached to him and I see he does like me so much; and I usually give up so easily in relationships so I'm hesitant to give up on this one yet.
Is starting back at ground zero even possible?
Thank you for both of your replies.
I guess what's so 'great' about him is that he's very attentive. He took care of me when I was sick. He thinks I'm beautiful and tells me so whenever-when I'm sick' whn I'm glammed up, absolutely whenever. And for the most part he's chivalrous. But I hate that whenever we argue he is so quick to say 'never contact me again' although he doesn't mean it-its his him being passive aggressive. He explained it by saying when he getsupset he lashes out. But I would never say smthng iso dismissive like that when I argue. I try to stick to the issue then get over it once its resolved. And if he's wiling to do that with the relatively minor arguments we've gotten in, what is he going to be like when/if a REAL issue comes up? That's my big concern. He said he's on a short fuse cuz of his long hrs at work. For the record he got mad on saturday (he runs a bar and it was his bday so he told me to come down with friends) b/c I had 7 guys w me and 2 girls (my roomates bf brought the guys) and he got jealous and acted like an a** rather than asking me about them (two I've known for 12 yrs, the others are my acquaintances but nothing has/will ever happen b/w us.
writeleft..too much work and too little reward. *sigh* that really resonates we me. You're right though, we both have to be willing to work at it, but currently, he sees his behaviour acceptable in light that he's been upset each time he's lashed out. Which i don't agree with. I make a conscious effort to try not to hurt the feelings or be dismissive/passive aggressive with people i care about, especially when there are issues needing resolving.

Cadence - guess i thought his communication can improve because an ex of mine was (to a lesser extent) horrible at communication and passive aggressive as well but he eventually changed (lots of patience on my part) and we had such healthy communication afterward, and it was the best relationship of my life to date. my current guy is much more volatile though.

Ely - yeah it is a rollercoaster with him. i told him that. and yes i think he is obsessed with me.He is a saggittarius and although I'm not too much into astrology, my roommate who is a sag also says she relates to his behaviour (she is also moody/passive aggressive - not as bad as my guy though - although she is getting better as well). She has been correct at times in interpreting his behaviour when I am not. Although it is his passive aggressive behaviour, so I don't baby that as I don't want to enable it. Did I make sense here? An example is that day we had an argument cuz of him saying he hates me doesnt trust me etc. for about 8 hrs all his response was a) didn't do anything wrong b) have a good day dude / I'm pissed don't want to talk / miss u / love u c) something sexual. Just completely all over the place. And i quickly got over what happened, but then I was upset about how he deals with conflict. Well he had an event that night that he really wanted me to attend. he had been telling me about it for weeks. I didn't show up. And i told him I wasn't going. I could not dress up, act like everything was normal, and go to him. and I didn't want to teach him he could act like that and it would be okay. Well he apologized later that night ('I thought I was treating you really well but I must have been a jerk. sorry, love you' - kind of half a** in my view). and i told him to stop saying i love iyou/he wants me to have his babies etc until/unless he means it. and he was back to i love you the next day.
Anyway, you are right he is manipulating me by giving me all this and taking it away. But the thing is, i've brought it up to him and he doesn't get it. He doesn't see that his behaviour is dismissive/manipulative/up and down/impulsive.

I don't feel s*xual toward him right now because i feel like a mother trying to teach a five yr old how to share and how to play nice. And i lost trust in him. The ''honeymoon period' is definitely over.





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