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hi all,

A little bit of background: my girlfriend and I are both in college, and have been dating for a little over three months. We attend the same school. Her older brother, who is two years older than her, attends a different college and commutes from home.

Her family does not know about me; she is keeping me a secret. Her mother forbids her from dating because she feels it will interfere with her school, but from what my girlfriend has told me, she can be reasonably flexible and willing to at least listen. Her brother, on the other hand, is a completely different story. The guy goes as far as restricting her from having male friends, period. He scours her ******** profile for comments from guy friends, and he calls her and chews her out for it. She told me that one time, her mother and brother came to campus to visit, and two of her male floormates popped their heads in the door to say hello. The brother got extremely aggressive, and almost started a physical fight with the two guys.

Over the past summer, she made plans to stay with a male friend because she and her friend were both taking summer courses at school. Her mother was actually okay with it, but her brother, upon finding out, immediately put an end to it, and called her friend a "rapist".

In yet another instance, her mother found her roommate's stash of alcohol in their dorm room. Her mom was "disappointed" but otherwise was not angry over it. However, when her brother found out, he called her on the phone and chewed her out. I was with her when he called, and could clearly hear him shouting at her over the phone, saying things like "are you (expletive) stupid? I'm going to come up there right now and teach you a lesson" along with other threats.

I asked her if he has ever hit her, and she denies it. However, it is clear that this kid is very verbally abusive, and tries to control every aspect of her life. I'm speaking with her right now online since we both are at home for winter vacation, and she is telling me that he's making her life absolutely miserable, by not allowing her out with friends, telling her when to go to bed, what to do, etc. Bear in mind she is 19 years old, a legal adult, and this guy has no business or legal right in ordering her around. Whenever he berates her she just takes it because she's too afraid to argue back, and the times that she has tried, he simply raises his voice and goes on a tirade to the point that it scares her.

I'm not sure how to help her with it. There is no doubt in my mind that if her brother found out we were dating, I'd be in physical danger since he's already proven himself to have aggressive tendencies (starting the fight with the two kids on her floor). However, I'm not too worried about myself at this point, and more worried about how he is making her life miserable. I've only been listening and consoling her up to this point, but that only goes so far. Any advice on how to help her?

in the past my brother used to be abit controlling or should i say try to be. he would ring or text and DEMAND a reply and if i didnt answer straight away i would get abusive texts. if my brother doesnt get what he wants he kicks off but i would text him and say ''i am busy and i will get back to you when i am ready not when you tell me to, whole world doesnt revolve around you'' id still get abusive texts but my point is , i didnt let him win. he was NOT going to boss me around and you need to tell your girlfriend to put her foot down with her my opinion the way her brother is acting is not normal. she is her own person, she has to make her own choices, tell her things wont change till she either moves away or tells him to stick it. i notice that alot of bullies only do it because they are miserable in there own life and bullying someone else makes them feel like there life is roses and all great and to grab some power. its immature and NOT fair.

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