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hi all,

A little bit of background: my girlfriend and I are both in college, and have been dating for a little over three months. We attend the same school. Her older brother, who is two years older than her, attends a different college and commutes from home.

Her family does not know about me; she is keeping me a secret. Her mother forbids her from dating because she feels it will interfere with her school, but from what my girlfriend has told me, she can be reasonably flexible and willing to at least listen. Her brother, on the other hand, is a completely different story. The guy goes as far as restricting her from having male friends, period. He scours her ******** profile for comments from guy friends, and he calls her and chews her out for it. She told me that one time, her mother and brother came to campus to visit, and two of her male floormates popped their heads in the door to say hello. The brother got extremely aggressive, and almost started a physical fight with the two guys.

Over the past summer, she made plans to stay with a male friend because she and her friend were both taking summer courses at school. Her mother was actually okay with it, but her brother, upon finding out, immediately put an end to it, and called her friend a "rapist".

In yet another instance, her mother found her roommate's stash of alcohol in their dorm room. Her mom was "disappointed" but otherwise was not angry over it. However, when her brother found out, he called her on the phone and chewed her out. I was with her when he called, and could clearly hear him shouting at her over the phone, saying things like "are you (expletive) stupid? I'm going to come up there right now and teach you a lesson" along with other threats.

I asked her if he has ever hit her, and she denies it. However, it is clear that this kid is very verbally abusive, and tries to control every aspect of her life. I'm speaking with her right now online since we both are at home for winter vacation, and she is telling me that he's making her life absolutely miserable, by not allowing her out with friends, telling her when to go to bed, what to do, etc. Bear in mind she is 19 years old, a legal adult, and this guy has no business or legal right in ordering her around. Whenever he berates her she just takes it because she's too afraid to argue back, and the times that she has tried, he simply raises his voice and goes on a tirade to the point that it scares her.

I'm not sure how to help her with it. There is no doubt in my mind that if her brother found out we were dating, I'd be in physical danger since he's already proven himself to have aggressive tendencies (starting the fight with the two kids on her floor). However, I'm not too worried about myself at this point, and more worried about how he is making her life miserable. I've only been listening and consoling her up to this point, but that only goes so far. Any advice on how to help her?

Hi all, just wanted to update this thread with a situation that occurred last night.

Around 9pm, my girlfriend and I went to the on-campus movie theater to watch a movie. About an hour in, I received an urgent text message from her roommate saying that her brother was at her dorm. We left the theater and headed over to the student center, where she called her brother and asked why he was here. He told her not to question him and asked where she was so he could meet up with her. She told him to come to the student center, and asked me to leave in case her brother saw us together. Instead, I sat by a row of tables several feet away, in case anything happened. We waited close to an hour and her brother never showed up. She texted him asking if he was coming, and he said he had gone home instead (he lives about two hours away from our campus). Several minutes later she got a text from her cousin, a graduate student, who said that her brother had called him and asked to spend the night at his apartment. Her cousin knows that her brother is "overprotective", but does not know the details and extent of what he does to her, so he didn't really question anything.

At that point, we called my girlfriend's roommate to be sure that the brother was not there. When we found out he wasn't, we went back to her room to get my backpack and belongings. Her roommate was there, and recounted to us what had happened: she had come back from the library to find him roaming the hallway on their floor. The main entrance to the dorm building is locked and accessible only via keycard issued to students, so he must have waited outside the dorm until somebody went in or out, and slipped in. When he saw her roommate, he immediately demanded to know where she was, and said "come on, tell me, I call tell you're lying to me", and "I know she's up to no good". Her roommate tried to play it off and stay calm, and slowly unlocked the door in case we had been in there. As she unlocked the door, he shoved her out of the way and barged into the room, and went on a tirade telling the roommate that she was a liar and to stop covering for her. After my girlfriend called him, he left the room (but apparently did not come to the student center like he said he would).

My girlfriend was very shaken up by this whole incident, so we gathered some of her stuff and she stayed with me at my apartment off campus. When we woke up this morning he had texted her several times throughout the night, saying "let's meet up tomorrow", "I know what you're doing", and "you can run but you can't hide".

I insisted on calling the police about this, but my girlfriend didn't want to get her brother in trouble, and said that "he would never hurt anybody". I asked her to at least speak to a professional on campus about what to do about the situation with her brother, and she eventually agreed. She initially (from my first post) did not want to seek help because she didn't want to tell a stranger her personal business and portray her brother in a bad light, but after last night's incident she feels that she wants to at least talk to a counselor on campus.

Besides her scheduling an appointment with a counselor, is there anything else that can be done? She is scared, but claims he is not a danger. She says she is more afraid that if her brother found out about our relationship, he would bully their mother (whom he also pushes around) into withdrawing her from college and putting her into community college at home so he can monitor her further. I really wanted to call the police as this guy is really showing some stalker/violent tendencies, like pushing her roommate and forcing his way into her room, and driving 2 hours to our campus unannounced, but she insists that he's not a threat. I feel like I'm at a loss for what to do at this point. My priority is that she is safe.


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