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Bad Decisions.
Jan 5, 2011
I'm worried I've been making all of the wrong choices. When I was younger I was severely abused by my father who was an alcoholic. He ended up having cancer when I was 9 and when I was twelve I came home to find him dead in my living room while watching the cooking channel. Two and a half years ago while I was in my second year at a prominent college, after getting the largest scholarship of my graduating class, I began dating a man who was 9 years older than myself (I was 19 and he was 28). This person stole from me, did drugs behind my back, cheated on me and tried to kill himself around me over 12 times during the course of our courtship. He ended up lying about having a vasectomy to trick me into getting pregnant so I would "stay with him forever", needless to say I got an abortion, after which he mocked me while I was recovering...saying that I was "milking it" and then he said he had to leave for his home town (which is a 10 hour drive from where we were living) to take care of his daughter. I was so sick but i didn't want him to abandon his nine year old, instead he didn't call me for a week and cheated on me with another woman. He also left me with a lease that i couldn't pay on my own. This passed summer I got involved with another boy who seemed sweet. However I noticed similar things about him...he had no cell phone, no job, no home of his own (lived with his parents) and his defence for this was that in february he had left all that he owns at his ex girlfriend's house and moved to help his parent's renovate their home. The home renovations never happened and he had another excuse for this being that his father had lost his job. When I moved away for school he would come visit me, he finally had landed a job that paid him quite a bit of money with benefits working in a local factory. However he lost the job when he stayed with me a day too long because he said he was too tired to drive after his car was towed. He lied about losing his job for over a month and said he could visit me for two weeks because a machine broke at work but he would not get his pay cheque for the following week. I paid for us to go out and spent nearly 1600 dollars over the course of the month on him...I thought he would, with how much he was making at the job, be able to pay me back in 2 weeks time. For sure, at the very least, pay me back before the next semester started in 3 months. Then i discovered he didn't have the job, he said he would pay me back regardless but didn't know if he wanted to be with me because i was clingy and always crying. He decided he did want to be with me but did not like me using the lying thing against him and swore he would pay me back. He then moved to the city where I go to school and landed an amazing work contract that would more than allow me to be paid back and for him to sustain himself. Today was my first day back at school, it was also the day rent was supposed to be paid on his new apartment and his contract starts on friday. When I got back from my classes I found a note saying that he had driven five hours away to pick up some tools that were found and would call me later and be back tonight. It is currently 1 am. He has not called, he did not arrive at his destination at 5:00 when he said he would and he left all of his stuff but if I don't hear from him by tomorrow I will be filing a missing person's report. Without money from him I can not pay for books or groceries or anything. My mom does not know about the money i lent him but as a single parent with a lot of debts i doubt she'd be able to reimburse me. While I've pondered suicide I've resigned myself to the fact that fear or something else abstract won't allow me to kill myself. I love people very passionately but i feel hurt and used and distrustful of people, especially men. I keep making the same mistakes. I'm a fool and I hate myself for being foolish and then repeating the same self sabotaging behaviours over again. I just really hate myself and I'm not sure what to do. I figured writing this to some anonymous person might help answer the question: What is wrong with me? I know what is wrong with the decisions I make...but actually, what is wrong with ME? Why do I knowingly do this to myself? Why do I sacrifice and volunteer myself to be fucked over? I paid for him to visit me because i missed him, because i was afraid everything was falling apart and in the end i only made it worse... I want to stay with him, in my gut i do but i know its probably a bad decision. Why is it that i am so worthless that men treat me this way? I know I left out the good bits, every story has two sides, but right now the good bits seem sort of irrelevant in the face of everything else.





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