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thanks for replying, it's nice to have a male perspective.

Yeah, he's generally always been selfish. It's just hard to cut him completely out because we have a lot of mutual friends and will run into one another. I know also he is hugely commitment phobic, and I think this factor has a lot to do with it as well. More then I'd ever know I'm wagering. Granted it's been over a year together, but I think he's afraid I may just be the one to stick around. He sure as hell isn't going to find another as understanding as I was. (Not trying to sound vain by any means)

I'm almost wondering if he's doing this to see if he can just pick me back up when he feels like it. Several things he said Sunday made me think so, one being he asked ina joking manner if I'd post this on my network site. I generally don't and haven't had a 'status' posted because I like my privacy but once before I thought we were done (on my terms, not his) and I posted it and many friends replied with nasty comments about him. He got on the defense and posted back, and we ended up working it out anyway so i took it down.

Another weird remark was we were talking about a 7 week long show we both do in the late summer. We shared a tent the last two years, and he asked if I then would be staying in this huge group tent with our other friends. I said yeah probably, and he came back saying 'well, you are always welcome to crash with me, especially on cold nights I'm not opposed to cuddling.' Again, confusion, if you don't want a relationship, or even if you just have a friendship, I don't know about you but I don't cuddle with my friends....It's like he either can't make up his mind, he only wants me when it's convenient, or he wants to try to keep my status under wraps so he can pick me back up later or something. He claims up and down there's no one else. Although I wonder if he's also doing this to try someone else out and if it doesn't work come back. Who knows.

On one side I'm sure I will be happier and healthier once this initial rut of a break up passes, but it's sure hard. I hate this feeling. I have this perpetual sinking feeling in my heart and gut, and it's not been curable yet.





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