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Relationship Health Message Board


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I think you're being way too hard on yourself. You're not a fool for wanting there to be something more than just him being nice. But I think where you set yourself up for disappointment is that you assume there is going to be something more after a guy shows interest. It doesn't always work out that way. As I have said and others have repeated, you have to learn how to live more in the moment and not worry so much about whether the interest a guy shows you will lead to more, or not. If it does, great. But if not, then it doesn't automatically mean there's something wrong with you. Not every guy is going to want to date every girl he is nice to, but many guys flirt with many girls and vice versa because it's fun and it can be an ego trip or whatever. You keep asking, "Then why did he act interested?", that's why! You can't take it so personally if a guy doesn't pursue something. It just means that he wasn't looking for something serious. And once you know the guy isn't looking for something serious, you wouldn't want to date him anyway, so that's no big loss.

One of the things you should explore in your therapy is how you perceive when a guy shows you interest. I think the therapist would agree that you're jumping ahead too far in your thinking process, just because a guy is being nice, which then sets you up to thinking all sorts of future things that are premature at that stage of the game. That's why this type of thing keeps happening to you, because you start getting too excited about there possibly being something deeper there instead of just accepting that it's a good time for that moment and nothing more at that point in time. And furthermore, you have to learn how not to tie all of this stuff into your feelings about yourself. Yes it sucks to be rejected, but at the same time, you wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't think you are pretty cool and worth knowing, anyway.

I think that if you were able to get to a point where you stopped setting yourself up for disappointment with your thoughts getting too far ahead of the actual situation, then you wouldn't feel so down on yourself. Sometimes flirting is just flirting, it doesn't mean anything except flirting. It's possible this bartender was just flirting. Or maybe he did like you but he's a bartender so it's not like he would be that great of a boyfriend and he knows it. Would you honestly want to date a bartender, knowing that whenever he goes to work, he will be surrounded by many women who will most likely be flirting with him to get free drinks or whatever? I would personally never date a bartender for that reason. Doesn't matter how committed he claimed to be, some of those women are very aggressive. So it's not like you are missing out if you don't end up dating this guy.

You have got to learn how to live for the moment and enjoy what is happening each moment instead of jumping too far ahead of yourself with your overthinking the situation and making it more than what it is that that moment. Just go with the flow and don't get so upset if things don't progress. It's not the end of the world, it just means that particular guy wasn't the right guy.
Those are EXACTLY the things a guy would say when he's not interested.

He said "just friends for now" because he doesn't want to be mean. He doesn't want you to think you're deficient somehow. I'm sure he likes you just fine, but that something extra that makes a man want to pursue you, that makes him want to be with you, isn't there. If it was, he would find some way to call. Shoot, I've had guys go to extremes to call even when it wasn't convenient for them to do so. I dated a guy who had to drive over 2 hours just to take me to lunch...and he did, even though it was inconvenient, because he wanted that much to see me.

And BTW, I've had friends who dated bartenders, and EVERY SINGLE ONE of them told the girl that he wasn't THAT kind of bartender, that they didn't collect phone numbers, that they didn't have lots of women pursuing them...and they all did. They just didn't want these girls thinking that because it made them look bad.

I wouldn't call again. The ball is in his court. He knows how to get ahold of you, if he wants to he will.

Also, keep putting yourself out there. It's a good thing to do. Keep it up and you will someday meet a guy who does want to be with you and pursue you and it will be worth it.





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