It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


You're right, I think desperate is the wrong word. What I mean is that for someone who really wants a relationship, they see anyone who expresses the smallest interest in them as a potential relationship partner. But that's not a good way to look at it because as I said you will keep getting disappointed if you look at it that way. A lot of the guys who hang out in bars just want a girl to flirt with and be nice to THAT evening, not a relationship partner. And like larrylou's mom said, often it's a major ego thing for them to see if they can get a girl interested. The thing to remember, and this goes back to my second point, is that if they don't pursue anything further with you, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or that you did anything wrong. Because like I also said before, if a guy meets you and gets to know you a little but doesn't decide to pursue something, it's HIS loss, not yours. You have to always keep that in mind when meeting guys because all of this goes hand in hand.

Just go have fun and live for the moment and don't overthink this stuff. Most guys you meet in bars aren't worth overthinking it, anyway, to be honest.
I think you're being way too hard on yourself. You're not a fool for wanting there to be something more than just him being nice. But I think where you set yourself up for disappointment is that you assume there is going to be something more after a guy shows interest. It doesn't always work out that way. As I have said and others have repeated, you have to learn how to live more in the moment and not worry so much about whether the interest a guy shows you will lead to more, or not. If it does, great. But if not, then it doesn't automatically mean there's something wrong with you. Not every guy is going to want to date every girl he is nice to, but many guys flirt with many girls and vice versa because it's fun and it can be an ego trip or whatever. You keep asking, "Then why did he act interested?", that's why! You can't take it so personally if a guy doesn't pursue something. It just means that he wasn't looking for something serious. And once you know the guy isn't looking for something serious, you wouldn't want to date him anyway, so that's no big loss.

One of the things you should explore in your therapy is how you perceive when a guy shows you interest. I think the therapist would agree that you're jumping ahead too far in your thinking process, just because a guy is being nice, which then sets you up to thinking all sorts of future things that are premature at that stage of the game. That's why this type of thing keeps happening to you, because you start getting too excited about there possibly being something deeper there instead of just accepting that it's a good time for that moment and nothing more at that point in time. And furthermore, you have to learn how not to tie all of this stuff into your feelings about yourself. Yes it sucks to be rejected, but at the same time, you wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't think you are pretty cool and worth knowing, anyway.

I think that if you were able to get to a point where you stopped setting yourself up for disappointment with your thoughts getting too far ahead of the actual situation, then you wouldn't feel so down on yourself. Sometimes flirting is just flirting, it doesn't mean anything except flirting. It's possible this bartender was just flirting. Or maybe he did like you but he's a bartender so it's not like he would be that great of a boyfriend and he knows it. Would you honestly want to date a bartender, knowing that whenever he goes to work, he will be surrounded by many women who will most likely be flirting with him to get free drinks or whatever? I would personally never date a bartender for that reason. Doesn't matter how committed he claimed to be, some of those women are very aggressive. So it's not like you are missing out if you don't end up dating this guy.

You have got to learn how to live for the moment and enjoy what is happening each moment instead of jumping too far ahead of yourself with your overthinking the situation and making it more than what it is that that moment. Just go with the flow and don't get so upset if things don't progress. It's not the end of the world, it just means that particular guy wasn't the right guy.
I'm not sure why your therapist would be encouraging you to pursue this guy.
In my experience, therapists don't give really specific advice like that.

Hon, a guy who does not return your calls isn't that interested (also in my experience).
You- and he- can make excuses for his behavior til the cows come home, but the fact is, if a guy's interested, he'll find a way to get to you, phone or no phone. Work or no work. Economy or no economy.

Do what you feel is best, but I'm just afraid you're headed for a big disappointment with this one, and that worries me in light of your self-esteem issues and how much of an emotional investment you've put into this.
If he says he wants to be "just friends", then that's what it is. Just friends.
Even if you kiss sometimes. Still just friends. No romantic future.

Please, guard your heart.
Best of luck.
I think you handled things well, and yes, you must most definitely be proud of yourself for taking such a chance. Now it's time to take a chance on someone else. This guy is just not that into you. I mean, c'mon...I'm so busy at work, my cell phone isn't working, I have carpel tunnel, my finances are a mess, the dog ate my homework, I ran into traffic, my cancer flared up...the cold hard ugly truth is, if you were someone he was really excited about, none of that would have stopped him. I mean, there's a phone at the bar, you gave him your number, TWICE, and he still chose not to call you. If he had really wanted to call you, he would have.

Who knows what his story is, but the bottom line is, he's just not an option for you. I know you might be tempted to call him "to chat" once in a while, hang out at the bar and wait for him to decide he's ready to take you as a serious romantic possibility, but I don't think that's ever a smart move. Having some girl you're all that interested in underfoot because you know she's waiting for you to ask her out, that's just not very attractive to men. Don't be that girl. don't be the Ginnifer Goodwin character from the movie He's Just Not That Into You (and if you haven't seen the movie, I recommend you do). Move on. Meet new guys, live your life. He's a friend who can give you free drinks. That's all.
[QUOTE]He had every opportunity to tell me he's not interested. I put it on the line, point blank.[/QUOTE]

It would take an extremely assertive and rather callous individual to do that, especially when you're obviously emotionally fragile.
And he doesn't sound like a jerk. He sounds like a sweetheart.
Most guys will [I]not[/I] tell a woman "point blank" that they're not interested.
They are not trained to do that, the way females are.
Most guys will let a woman know that they're not interested by simply failing to call her, and hoping she'll get the hint.
If she doesn't get the hint and continues to pursue, they'll make all sorts of excuses why they didn't call, and then continue to not call, hoping that [I]eventually[/I] she'll get the hint.
"Nice" guys don't like to hurt women or make them feel rejected or embarrassed.
They'll do almost anything to avoid that.

It's clear to me that this is what's going on here. He's attempting to give you the brush off, in the nicest possible way.
By continuing to visit him at his work and forcing him to make excuses about why he hasn't called you, you're putting him in a very awkward and uncomfortable position.
Like I said, I can't imagine that a psychologist would've advised you to continue to pursue this guy.
It's a very bad idea, and you need to stop.

If I were you, I would find a different bar, and leave this guy alone.
He has your number.
if he ever feels like taking you up on a relationship, he will call you.

Take a chance with somebody else now.
Those are EXACTLY the things a guy would say when he's not interested.

He said "just friends for now" because he doesn't want to be mean. He doesn't want you to think you're deficient somehow. I'm sure he likes you just fine, but that something extra that makes a man want to pursue you, that makes him want to be with you, isn't there. If it was, he would find some way to call. Shoot, I've had guys go to extremes to call even when it wasn't convenient for them to do so. I dated a guy who had to drive over 2 hours just to take me to lunch...and he did, even though it was inconvenient, because he wanted that much to see me.

And BTW, I've had friends who dated bartenders, and EVERY SINGLE ONE of them told the girl that he wasn't THAT kind of bartender, that they didn't collect phone numbers, that they didn't have lots of women pursuing them...and they all did. They just didn't want these girls thinking that because it made them look bad.

I wouldn't call again. The ball is in his court. He knows how to get ahold of you, if he wants to he will.

Also, keep putting yourself out there. It's a good thing to do. Keep it up and you will someday meet a guy who does want to be with you and pursue you and it will be worth it.
I'm going to give you an example from my life. I know this man, he's a friend and we definitely "like" each other. He told me that I could come by his work anytime, call or text anytime and that he and I are friends. He even called me "sweetheart" when he e-mailed me. So what did he do? He has ignored (not responded to) every single call, e-mail and text for the past couple of months. When I confronted him, he told me not to trip, that we ARE friends and that he's just busy. So what happened next? He did not respond to 2 calls, one e-mail and one text.

I got the drift...he is not interested in being "friends", despite what he said. So, I stopped contacting him.

I am sure you can get numerous examples from the ladies on this board of a guy who said he was going to call, said he liked them, even made tentative plans for the future, and never followed through.

I am not absolutely sure this man is not interested in you. He very well could be. I am just giving this example because quite often, men CAN and DO say to call, say they want to be friends, say they'll call, etc. and they just don't follow through. And it's usually because they just aren't interested enough to do so.

If this guy does call you back, terrific! I'll be the first to say I was wrong. But I would definitely recommend that you wait for him to call you back.
I have a guy friend whose friendship I really value but am not at all romantically or physically attracted to him. I know that he is both attracted and would like to have a relationship with me. I don't tell him the whole truth because if I were to do that, I'd have to say "it will never happen because I'm just not interested in YOU." So I say something vague like "I'm just not looking for a relationship "RIGHT NOW," or, at least, "for now, I don't think it will work between us." I purposely leave it vague like that so he doesn't take it personally. Some might argue that that's leading him on, and he seems to be lead on and take that "for now" very seriously cause he just told me today that "he knows I will change my mind eventually and see that he can comfort me and make me happy." Maybe I'll have to be more firm. Anyway, this thread just caught my eye because his excuse is the exact same thing I've been saying lately to someone I'm just not that into.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:47 PM.





2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!