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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

Mar 2, 2011
This may seem like a stupid question but I need some external input.

I've been in a pretty complicated relationship with a guy for about 3 years. It's complicated in that we've been friends, friends with "benefits", and attempted very short spans of "dating". He told me a few times intermittently that he didn't want to date me and as much as I wanted to, I let it go. I valued having him as my friend more, even though I secretly wanted it to go further. I call it "dating" because while we were in a more romantic relationship he seemed to shut down and grow very distant from me. We stopped communicating as much as we did while we weren't formally boyfriend and girlfriend and it sucked because I felt like he was shutting me out. Once the titles of bf/gf were there, he became a total stranger.
He seemed very angry with me all the time and we fought often. As though he resented me.

I found out both times after having huge blow out fights and breaking up that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me at all. His words. He did not say this in anger during the fight, but told me it was the reason behind his immediately pulling away from me once the situation had changed.
I've always had feelings for him and have wanted more with him for very long, but he's never really had inclinations to take things beyond friendship (or friends with "benefits"). I found out later too that he'd talk to the people around me (my sister, close friends) about how he didn't want to be with me but they never told me because they didn't think it was their place.

About a month ago we tried the dating thing for the second time and it didn't last even a week this time. He started to shut me down and flat out refused to be affectionate with me and to basically communicate with me honestly (telling me much later that he never wanted to date me and never had any inclinations to be affectionate with me. Basically that he didn't have those kind of feelings for me at all). I got sick of it and sensed he was being dishonest and ended the relationship before it got worse. We remained friends and continued the sexual relationship randomly.
Our friendship, if I can even call it that, aside from the sexual stuff has often seemed like we were bf/gf.

I've noticed in myself over time that I have odd reactions to him. I'm very willing to please him and will do just about anything to keep him in my life. I know this is bad, but this is my problem and not necessarily a relationship problem. Or is it?
I also notice that being around him makes me incredibly anxious and that when we go for too long without seeing one another or communicating somehow, I get very depressed and anxious and lonely.
These things are not normal but I don't know if I'm caught up in a dysfunctional relationship with this guy and should just get out. I care about him a lot and he's not abusive or cruel or anything like that. On some level he cares a lot about me too. We did try to break off our friendship too but it was too painful for both of us and we couldn't do it.

He's never really pursued any other serious relationships with other women and I've never been in any other relationships either.

I don't know what to do. Is it all just me? Is this dysfunctional?

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