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This site is amazing, seriously. Seeing that I'm not alone in the boards that I'm posting in makes me feel like theres still some good people in the world that would like to help. So, I'm in need of help here. This might be a bit long, but honestly, there is so much back story to this to be able to understand that its almost necessary. Please stick around and give this a read, you have no idea how much it would mean to me..

So, my boyfriend and I have been friends for almost 4 years now, we've been dating for a little over 10 months. When I met him, we were just friends ( I had liked him and thought he was extremely attractive ). We both had significant others at the time, mine was a 1 year long distance relationship (at the time we met) and his was a year relationship with this horrible, horrible girl.

We hung out every so often, even though I kept my feelings to myself, his girlfriend still did not like me. I was nothing but nice to her, we had the same eating disorder so i thought that would kinda connect us a bit more and possibly start a friendship. Nope. She was in and out of the hospital for her eating disorder and suicide 'attempts'. Her and my boyfriend's relationship was such a rocky one, they were constantly fighting, she would hit him, verbally abuse him, cheat and leave him more times than I've ever seen someone cheat on one person.. And I was there.

I was there for him whenever she was in the hospital. We'd go out to the park, river, hang out with his/our friends, everything was pretty great. And when she back, i was out. She refused to let him talk to me. I kinda said whatever about that because I knew he had to have some kinda feelings for me or else he wouldn't come back and talk to me every time she went away. flashing forward a year or so, we were both having major problems in our relationships and slept together. It felt incredible. It felt right. And from that night on I knew I was in love with him. I broke up with my boyfriend and stayed single for a while, he didn't leave her but was at my house practically every night complaining about her, saying how he wanted to get out but couldn't. I would give him advice, what I thought about everything, night after night, he'd stand outside my window and I'd stand on my bed and lean out and talk to him for hours. I thought he would never get out, so I was pretty hurt and stopped talking to him for about 6-10 months. I avoided his calls, didn't answer texts and tried to be with other people. That didn't work.

To flashing forward to about a year ago now we started talking again ( 3-4 months before we started dating ) He finally broke up with her, and told me he wanted to be with me. There were a lot of long discussions, and quite a few problems. There was another one of my friends that i was thinking about starting something with, so it turned into mass confusion for me. Because of how many times my current boyfriend and his ex girlfriend broke up and got back together I didn't want to start a relationship with him, then have him up and leave me for her. I was terrified. All the while I was still in love with him as much as the night we had sex. I was very cautious and drug out and took my time, seeing who would be a better choice for me, we fought about me 'toying' with the both of them, and i agree, i was wrong for leading both of them on at the same time. But, in the end I started a relationship with my current boyfriend last April.

The first couple of months were perfect. I was not worried, we spent every day together, she was out. I was in. After maybe 3-4 months I started worrying he was seeing her without me knowing, so I had peeked at his phone and saw his text messages with her. It was always her, me , her, me, her, me.. The thing that got me was how he worded what he said. He'd always see if she wanted to talk face to face, get coffee, whatever. I imploded. I saw imminent doom in my future, thinking he was going to get back with her again. They had a huge fight where his ex and her boyfriend at the time found out that she wasn't over my boyfriend. Drama ensued and they stopped talking for a while. Now more recently she'll text him every so often and that just sparks my insecurities.

So now I come to my irrational thoughts. I make up these absolutely ridiculous scenarios in my head about him leaving, cheating, sneaking off to see her, getting back together with her, etc. They haven't been as frequent as they used to be but they're still there. I also have major jealousy issues when it comes to pornography and other females. Thats another long story from my long distance relationship, but to make it short, he chose to look at other women over me when I was right there and willing. I expressed to my boyfriend how much it bothers me and how i don't feel useful and attractive unless he wants the real thing. Recently he said he stopped watching it, but no matter how hard I try I'm having such a hard time believing and trusting him because thats what i was told, swore, and promised in my previous long distance relationship. Though I'm afraid he's going to start watching it again due to medical things that are wrong with me right now since we haven't been intimate that often recently.

To end, I'm in dire need to figure out what I need to do to stop thinking like this. How do i fix myself? Its doing pretty heavy, almost irreparable damage to our relationship. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I personally messed up the best relationship I've ever had. One of the only ones who hasn't cheated on me by this point. He does practically everything for me, he loves me unconditionally, does cute things for me, he calls me his wife, he wants kids with me, he wants a future with me. Please help me salvage the only good thing I have going for me in my life. I don't know how much longer I cant take being jealous and insecure. I don't know how much longer he can bear with me on these issues either. I've tried everything I can think of. I'm getting caught in quick sand and I'm tired and cant struggle to get out anymore.

If you've actually read to this point.. Thank you. Thank you so much. Even if you don't post, getting this all out is just a relief to me. Knowing that someone has read my practically small novel, haha, is nice to know. thank you <3

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