It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Yes it does seem odd that you can open up to friends or even strangers, but when it comes to someone who I have been with for 4.5 years I can tend to bottle things up or I feel weird about talking about my feelings. I think hard to open up to someone when they don't seem to open up to you at all, it can make a person feel vulnerable in a relationship if they are the one who's always sharing feelings while the other is keeping them in. Like I said I have only seen her cry a few times throughout our relationship, I'm not saying that our realtionship has been bad and she has had a lot of reasons to cry. She just has never been an emotional person unless she has been drinking.

I think some of my problems with the break-up stem from me not feeling like I really had a legit reson to call things off. Having the feeling that I took things over the edge when now I don't feel that it was necessary, I feel that it was all a defense mechanism so I didn't get hurt. I think I mentioned this before, i'm too lazy right to to go back through previous posts to see if I had, but just over a year ago she broke-up with me and it completely devastated me. I had to go to counceling and friends and family worried about me, I wasn't suicidal or anything but I was a wreck. It took a three months to get things together and move on, and when I finally did and as soon as I found a new girl my ex begged me to take her back. Me believing in second chances, I decided to give her one.

When I felt us growing apart, and we started getting into little stupid fights over nothing, I felt that I had more of a roommate than a fiance' living with me. I made the only decision that I felt that I could make and instead of having a heart to heart like I wish I had done, I asked her to move out.
Rob,

Putting the ring issue aside...Considering the fact that you have had two very painful breakups, one on each of your parts, thinking of getting back together does not sound like a good idea.

The communication abilities between you two were way off. That is one of those things that just do not change without each of you taking the time and effort to re-learn the skills needed for a successful relationship. I would be broken hearted if I could not allow my true feelings out every single day to my partner. Those include both good and bad.

That is the person which you should have the complete trust in to hear your daily stories, with understanding, interest, humor and care. That goes both ways. Holding back those little things turns them into big things and get confusing and difficult to later work out. They usually get bottled up and make a big explosion, that is often based on a lot of simple things that were never addressed. That is when the words fly, and the feelings are really hurt, sometimes irreversibly.

Being open and vulnerable is a sign of trust. That intimacy is what glues us together, and goes both ways. That, in my mind is the foundation to a deep and lasting relationship. I can see how you might have fallen into a roommate type situation, when that intimacy is missing. Holding feelings back leaves a big void for both of you. This is the difference between a casual friendship and a true life long relationship, I feel.

You missing her is likely missing the memories of good times, and overlooking the other parts. You likely miss the fact that there is not someone there for you, to do things with, and to hang out with, someone who loves you and you love her. That is quite normal, and is a sign that there has not yet been enough time passed yet. You have not had the chance to replace that relationship time with any other comparable activities. Being single does take time to adjust to.

I would encourage you not to beat yourself up over the timing or reasons for you to break it off. If you felt you needed to protect yourself from the great pain you endured after she broke up with you, so be it. That is a legitimate choice. When you saw you slowly getting farther apart and living like roommates, that too is a legitimate choice you made. When you saw things get to the point where breaking up made sense to you, and to avoid being dumped again, you chose to break things off, again, perfectly fine.

In a perfect world, you two could have had many conversations along the way that kept you both feeling connected and able to work on any of the little things that ended up breaking you apart.

All relationships will have issues. It is how you, as a couple fix these things that is important. I like to always keep my problems at one. If you have one problem, you fix it. If you do not fix it, you have two problems, and so on...if the problem is that you do not know how to make the problems known to each other, you have another problem.

One past relationship I had really put this theory into action. In fact, it is where this theory was born. Our first problem was that he would not answer a simple question. He did not refuse to answer it, he did not acknowledge that I asked it. Instead, when it seemed like the topic was going to be brought up, he would literally disappear. He would have forgotten something in the car, he would need to run over here or there...that was the first problem. The second problem was that he would not acknowledge it, then the third appeared when I would ask again. This is not earth shattering stuff either..a simple question. That was now problem number one, two, three, and so on. It did not take too long for me to give up, because we had no skills in problem solving. There will be problems, but it is how you are able to resolve them that is crucial.

I have stuck with my one problem rule. And I am happy to say, it works wonderfully. When I look at my 8 year relationship now, I can say we have no problems at the moment. But we do have a record of, lets say 100 problems that we have resolved. That history gives us the peace of mind that when the next problem comes along, (and it will) we will be able to add it to the list of problems that have been resolved, a great source of comfort and trust. At this point neither or have any reason to think that we cannot work through anything that comes our way in the future.

By the way, I had a engagement ring that I returned when the engagement was called off by me. I was happy to give it back to his mother, it turns out she was the one who bought it...talk about lame!





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:35 PM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!