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What can I do?
Mar 15, 2011
I was wondering if anyone could give me any advice on what to do. If anyone can relate to this please let me know how you get through it.

(I didn't think this would be so long, but I started typing and couldn't stop. So I'm going to pose my question first and if anyone wants the back story they can keep on reading.)

I can't seem to stop worrying about whether me and this guy I'm dating are going to work out. I've been a loner most my life and this is the first guy I've been interested in enough to want a relationship with in 12 years. I'm a guarded person, but I can open up to this guy no problem, so I think this is my only chance in life to be with someone. The pressure I put on myself scares me and makes me sick to my stomach. What can I do? What if it doesn't work out? I can't see myself wanting anyone else.

Back story (Warning: LONG):
I am a 27 yo female who has had only one boyfriend when I was 15. It was very teenager like and I was always too nervous around him to even kiss him. So obviously we never got to even first base and we instead became more like friends. We only lasted 3 months.

Since then I have had crushes on guys, but usually never had the guts to talk to them. There have been guys that have asked me out, but either they were complete strangers (which made me very uncomfortable) or I was not interested in them in that way. Since I can count the number of times that this has happened on one hand I just figured guys where not that interested in me.

At first I welcomed this idea because I am a loner and usually find social interaction to be very nerve wracking. As a child I was affectionate, but by my teenage years I didn't even like people hugging me. I've never been physically or sexually abused, but I seemed to avoid affection. I was this way for a long time.

However, about a year ago I started to change. My family life up until May of 2009 was very stressful. I still live with my mother and older brother and until that May my stepfather was living with us also. I never got along with him and believe that he was verbally and psychologically abusive. I tended to hide from him in my room and that lasted for years starting when I was a kid. I'm not sure if my reluctance to meet new people and date had to do with him, but I know that I was very depressed for a lot of my life because of my home situation. Since I was depressed the last thing I wanted was a relationship. I just saw it as more stress and something else to go wrong.

That May my stepfather moved out and him and my mother divorced. It was like a dark cloud was lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe. I could walk around my whole house without being scared of him and trying to avoid him. It was a GREAT feeling! Finally at the age of 26 I could actually have a life! I still wasn't ready for dating and was still nervous around people, but I was becoming so much happier than I had ever been.

Fast forward to August of 2010. I started to hang out with two of my co-workers. We would go get breakfast after work together (we work overnight) at least once a week. One guy is about 5 years older than me and the other is in his 60s. Me and the younger guy like to take care of our co-worker because he is unmarried, no kids, lives alone, and has some health issues. Everyone at work refers to him as our granddad. In fact, he was in the hospital recently and instead of calling his family he called us and we visited him everyday, bought him lunch and new clothes, and made sure he got home when he was released.

Now that August I was noticing the younger guy was paying more attention to me than usual. We had been working together a year, but had only said about two words to each other. Then all of a sudden he wanted me to go to breakfast with him and our other co-worker. At first I thought he was interested in me and I started to develop a crush on him. But then one day we were talking at lunch and as soon as this new girl started talking to him he blew me off and disappeared with her. I felt like such an idiot! I cried when I got home that day and couldn't understand why I thought he would be interested in me. He's incredibly cute, keeps himself in shape, is funny, polite, and very friendly. I realized that I was confusing his friendliness to interest in me. So I sucked it up, but we continued to go to breakfast. Fall semester started and I got involved in school because it was a difficult year and any crush I had on him disappeared.

In December while I was on winter break I was working more and we had breakfast quite often, sometimes the three of us and sometimes without "granddad." I started to develop a crush on him again and he was becoming very open with me. He would tell me all sorts of things from his past no matter how embarrassing they were. I was scared to develop feelings for him because of what happened in August so I kept my guard up. In early January he gave me his number and started to text me pretty often. About a month later we had dinner together, but I wasn't sure if it was a date. Two days later we were texting like crazy and I ended up with him that night and we slept together. Now, I don't think I need to tell you that I was a virgin before this given my track record with men, but I didn't tell him I was and he still doesn't know. However, I was never saving myself for anyone or marriage, the opportunity just never came up before.

Since then we see each other everyday and call and text everyday. I'm starting to develop real deep feelings for him, but he said he can't be in a relationship right now because of things that are going on in his life. However, I'm confused about how he treats me. We go on dates and he can be very affectionate with me. But I'm always on guard because it is becoming obvious to me that he is not sure what he wants. We are exclusive to each other and have agreed not to talk to other people. 90% of the time he is the one that initiates texts and makes plans with me. Even when he has been in school 12 hours straight and is practically falling asleep he wants to hang out with me at Starbucks for a coupe of hours. He has introduced me to his brother and constantly brings me his moms cooking and we share lunch at work. People at work assume we are together and so do complete strangers at Starbucks (we're there practically everyday). But I'm not sure what we are doing. He considers himself to be single and I want nothing more than to be his girlfriend. Its not like he is getting sex from me as we don't get to have sex that often. Once a week if we are lucky. This confusion is what makes me depressed. People tell me I need to calm down, enjoy being with him, and take it one day at a time. But sometimes I'm so hard on myself to make this work I convince myself that obviously I'm just MsRightNow for him and he will drop me once he's bored with me. I hate this feeling and don't know what to do.

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