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Hi Guys,

This is my first post. I wanted to see what others thought about the issue that I'm having with my boyfriend's family. We are both 28 and have been together for 10.5yrs now. From the VERY beginning of our relationship his mother has been very rude, condescending and downright disrespectful towards me. She's always got a judgemental comment to make, she always tries to force her opinion and views about things onto us and no matter what she is always negative about every single thing she talks about. Unless of course she is talking to people she feels she has to impress (colleagues, friends, her in-laws etc etc)

The last straw for me was a couple of mths ago at their dinner table when she asked me about why my father and his wife fought so often, when I responded "I don't know, I don't know the details of their relationship" she looked me in the eye and told me that my father was a "loser". I was so insulted, I left the table, stormed out of the house and my boyfriend (who still lives at home) and I had a HUGE argument about the way his family treats me. But she also treats him with disrespect also. In fact, she talks to her husband, her daughter, her siblings and her whole family like they are scum.

I voiced my opinions (partially through my boyfriend) a couple of times in the past but nothing has changed. I am now at a point where I haven't been to his house in about 3mths because I refuse to acknowledge her until she apologizes for the comment that she made about my father.

Last night things blew out of control again because my boyfriends sister (after sitting around being nosy with his mother) called him while he was at my house and was aggressively trying to see what he was doing and give him orders. I lost my temper completely because I'm at a point where I just can't deal with his family anymore.

Whenever we have approached the mother about the issues she makes excuses by saying that she was raised this way, that's how they speak, she is unhappy with her marriage etc etc.

I don't know what else to do at this point. I feel like I'm in a losing battle. I want to marry this man but I NEVER want my own children to see this and think that it is acceptable for family members to treat each other this way. What should I do? I am feeling like I'm in a corner alone, and I don't think things will ever get better because his mother and sister aren't willing to accept in the least that they have done wrong?
Well, I shouldn't say anything about your boyfriend... How can I accuse him of being a mamma's boy? It is not for me to judge him. But I know that sons and mothers usually have a very complex relationship and trying to change it is almost going against nature. If you have been dating for more than 10 years without full commitment, I should think that this was a decision of you guys, not of him alone.

Ok, that said, I think it's unfair of you to ask him to choose you or her, or ask him to tell her to apologize to you for the rude things she says. He can (and should) voice to her that her comments hurt you, but it is not in his power to make her change or do what you want her to do. When you came into his life, his mother was already there, right?

I think you have two options here: either you avoid her as much as possible or you take her just the way she is. The second option, though more difficult, would be better. You should not react to her rudeness. I understand that storming out of the house was your instinctive response, but that was just what she wanted you to do. If you had stayed and just taken her inadequate observation about your daddy as a display of her ignorance or else as her right to express her opinion (albeit unnecessary), if you had been able to control your emotional reaction, you would have been a winner, so to say.

Now if there are any other issues in this relationship, like he is not independent enough and will never be free enough from his mother's influence, it's up to you to decide if you want to stay or move on.

From where I stand, I don't see any strong reason for you to break up with him, [B]if you love him and respect him[/B], just because of his ill-tempered family.

But I also know: easier said than done...





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