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Relationship Health Message Board

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Loss for words
Mar 30, 2011
I am at a loss for words at this moment. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. The first 2 years were full of deception, lies, cheating and pain, I found out about it all about 9 months ago. I came into this relationship with emotional baggage from previous abusive relationships so I did not handle myself in the best manner initially. I had the mind frame that who ever put up with me is God sent because I was difficult and broken... With that said I have made a lot of positive changes in my behavior and attitude. I try to think of how I speak and how I can word things better or use better approaches. My boyfriend has also been working on changing, but his change has come slow. I know I am going on but I just have so much on my mind. When he gets upset or I bring up an issue that I don't like or I'm uncomfortable with he may start out calmly but then soon lashes out on me, disrespects me, tells me to shut the f**k up, calls me stupid, punches holes in walls, tells me I'm weak, threatens to leave me because according to him, I'm always starting stuff. It can be something as simples as me say, "I don't like how you talked to me" and he replies, "your too f**king sensitive." I cry a lot. This is the cycle of my relationships. I know this is mental and emotional abuse. And I would know exactly what to do if someone else was in this relationship. I just keep digging myself in a deeper and deeper hole. We live together. The monthly rent is 750. We just purchased two T.V. together on my credit card that we both paying on equaling 2,041. We just purchased tickets to Jamaica, which he owes me 1000.00 for. We have our cells phone together under my name. I will be financially f**ked if we part ways. But happiness is priceless and in my right mind I would be able to lose all that if I could be happy. My dilemma is that I am scared. Scared of his reaction when we break it off. Scared of losing the relationship. Scared of what my future holds. I know this is hard to understand when you haven't been in abusive relationships, but this makes perfect sense to me. I do love him. And I am angry at myself for allowing this treatment and believing him when he tells me he is going to change, changes for a short period and then goes back to the same s**t.On top of that he just pawned an anklet of mine that he gave me without telling me. He claimed he was going to get it back for before I noticed it was gone, but really? That is a breach of trust.Trust that we were working on building. He then lashes out on me and it's day two of the battle. He didn't like my reaction and said I went overboard when I locked all my credit cards, checks and jewlery in a safe box. I don't know exactly what I am looking for in this message board because I know only I can change this. At the moment I feel weak. I feel like I don't have the courage to change my life as it is now because I am fearful. Any advice or comments would be helpful.....

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