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Hello-

Man I think if I really got going, I would be able to write forever... But I'm going to keep this relatively short... Might be long for most people though. >.<

I'll start with some background information on myself-- Currently I am 20 years old, I am working on going back to school in the Fall but I am incredibly nervous about it, but I have high hopes and an aspiring dream I am trying to reach. I am wanting to become a pharmacist.

Now for background story: I have a father, a mother, and a half sister

... We lived a sham of a "happy family life". We went to church and were always looked upon as a good family. My father was "such a family man and so loveable" and my mother was "such a sweet woman and loves her husband soo much". But behind the scenes, THAT WASN'T IT AT ALL!!! My mother and father fought like no tomorrow, my father was almost never home because of his job and being self employed, and my mother had everything in the world to bitch about. I honestly have no idea why they ever got together, but they keep saying it brought them a good thing (me) but then they hate each other sooo much and constantly are telling me how they never wished they met and hate what it's become and blah blah blah. Well I agree!

Anyways-- ever since I can remember which gets super fragmented the further back I try to remember, there has been holes in the wall, waking up in the middle of the night to blood curdling screams, being stuck in the middle of both my mother and father wanting me on their side against the other, my father trying to kill my mother, slamming things, throwing things, smashing things, nonstop screaming and fighting. Then in public, you would never know... Everyone wears a mask! I DESPISE FAKE PEOPLE!

My <is> older than me, and when she got married, my life ended, whatever life I had. She had always been there for me and protected me from my parents. She would yell at them and steal me away and help me to calm down always. But when she left... everything went awry. In same that year, my parents decided to get a divorce. I have always felt it is my fault, and I AM TIRED OF EVERYONE SAYING IT'S NOT! Because I told my father a year prior to that to break it off with my mom, they weren't happy and I was sick of dealing with it. I told my mom as well, and she told me we are trying to stick together for you, and I was like LEAVE ME OUT OF IT! I am tired of you guys always fighting. But little did I know how they should have just stayed together.... They were unhappy but their current state is detrimental.

My mother says that the day before my father got the divorce papers they sat on the front porch and talked it out. Everything seemed like it was going to go as smoothly as possible. My mom would take me because I am a young female about to go through puberty and she felt I'd be best under her care, which is agreeable, and my father would see me on the weekends. We would find a place to live and everything would be hunky dory. NOT IN A MILLION YEARS!!!!!!!!!

The divorce papers came and I dont fully remember everything from this point forward much less backwards. Anyways, I was going to be turning 13, and everything went to shit! My father moved all the furniture to one side of the house and made sure to keep everything off limits. When that took place my mom decided to move us out immediately. We moved in with her parents and lived in the same room and same bed for almost a year.... Then we got into another house for rent this time.

The divorce lasted 6 years. They could never and will never agree on anything. It's always to screw the other person over, but tell everyone else that they dont want to screw the other person over. The only reason the divorce finally ended was they ran out of money and HAD to agree to disagree basically.

During the divorce, I went through my own stuff. I couldn't concentrate worth a damn in school even though I am an A/B student. I was getting D/F's which is NOT me. In 8th grade, I was raped by 3 men. About a year later from that I dont really understand why I went this route, but for some reason instead of being petrified of sex, I became almost obsessed with it. I found random "friends" over the internet and hung out with them and did sexual things. I was a cutter. I had super bottled up emotions and hatred for society and men. I wanted to destroy men by making them addicted to me and then breaking their hearts. But now I realize I was being used more so... I had numerous boyfriends, and most were pretty steady.



I was forced to see a therapist because of the divorce. The court ordered it. I had to meet quite a few different therapists because none of them felt right to me, they all seemed fake and just wanting to spout out that you have some mental condition because of the divorce. I finally found one who listened to me for once. It took me about a month to finally open up after seeing her for 4 weeks. She told me I was a manic depressant and had anxiety and also a personality disorder. She said everything was completely justified because of my past and what all I went through. But I still felt insane. Who wants to hear there is something clinically wrong with you.

I was put onto Prozac 60mg immediately. That made me feel like a different person, i felt insane from it. I was seeing weird things and not sleeping. So they took me off of it. I was put on Lexapro 40mg. I believe this one helped, but then again I dont really know how it is supposed to help, I do know I wasnt having as many freak outs and anger issues, but for all I know that could have been because I was actually getting my emotions out to someone who would listen.

I was always told I was smart, but then I was told I was stupid. I was told I could accomplish anything in this world if I put my mind to it, and I still follow that belief, but I have also been told I can never and will never finish what I start... But I graduated from high school a year and a half earlier than I was supposed to and with an actual degree not a GED. I have had an awesome job history. And I have a lot of plans for the future. But i keep hearing this little voice inside me saying, your never going to accomplish anything... everything will fall apart like it always does... nothing will go the way your planning, you wont be able to finish school and be successful. So now I'm just afraid.

I currently live with my current boyfriend. Things are promising between us. I have been open with him more so than any other boyfriend I have had. And I now understand you want your mate to be like a best friend. Just with more benefits. >.<

I am away from my mother and father, they are in another state and I am with my sister. My mother is still depressed but not medicated, and lives with her parents currently because of all the moving we have had to do (I came to the realization a long time ago, I do not have a home). But she is hopefully heading for the right track and getting back on her own two feet. My father is suffering from everything imaginable... I dont know what to believe since he has ALWAYS been a hypochondriac. But he claims he has fibromyalgia because of the divorce, he can't work anymore and is claiming disability, he claims he has no more money, and the government is after him or some BS. He lives in a constant state of fear and stays in bed most days. Now he claims his stomach and intestines are shutting down, and that slowly he will die because he cant eat. Everything he eats, he cant keep down. I am so sick of hearing so many depressing things on a daily basis still.... I feel bad for it. I want to help but dont know how.

Everything is always out of my reach or unattainable. I am nervous for the future, I just really want to accomplish my goals. All i want is to give hope to my parents again. I want them to be proud of me. I want to feel like i can make a difference in this life i have been leading for 20 years. It's so hard to want to acknowledge I'm alive when I feel like I should never have been around in the first place.

But i am, and i'm here to stay. I am going to make a positive imprint on society and my family one day....

I dont know if this was what I was supposed to do with this post or in this section or where I was even going with this. I just felt like venting. And maybe someone can tell me how I can help with the anxiety of the days to come. Methods to push through when it feels like I cant go on any longer (not to sound so dramatic).

Thank you for reading. :p





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