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So here I go….first of all I need to vent, I need to just let it all out, that is what has been happening. Right now with the increased stress I have in handing in uni assignments that I haven’t had for like 6 months I am falling back into old patterns of emotional eating, I am also falling into other issues/addictions other than food, which I will get into as I go on. I am worried about putting all this info about my life out there but I feel like it’s the only way I can accept my mistakes, learn from them and move on as a better person.
So my main situation here is that I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years almost 6 months ago. I loved him and thought we were going to have kids and get married, but he became too possessive and controlling and I eventually fell out of love with him. Well I still love him, I mean I can’t just pretend he never existed, but Im more in love with the idea of being with a guy like him (his other great qualities) and being in love etc.
When I broke up with him at the end of Oct last year I felt a sense of relief. I could finally go out to nightclubs and wear whatever I wanted. I met him when I was 19y/o and I am now 25, so I pretty much missed out on the whole club scene and I am really just experiencing it now….
So anyway for the first two months I was loving it, did not cry once not even right when we broke up, I felt fantastic, I lost some weight because I wanted to take care of myself, I ate healthy and lifted weights and went jogging. People complimented me on how good I look (even my ex said that most people get too skinny or fat after a break up, but I look fit) and I do still! But my emotional eating is making a come back. Im not going to focus on my weight, because I am a healthy weight and I know that when I look after myself, my natural weight is slim and I just want to be healthy and look after myself….at the moment I am not….anyway back to my story. For the first 2 months I went out every weekend and had a good time. I got drunk, but I nice fun drunk where you remember everything and are totally aware of what you are doing. I kissed a lot of hotties and I was loving it! But I was very needy. Hated to be alone, which is a feeling I never have experienced – mainly because I covered everything up with food in the past I guess! So new years eve I met this guy, lets call him Jim he was awesome, we had an awesome night. We spoke on facebook that next day and from then on he either called me or texted me everyday. We went on dates for 2 months, but the catch was that I was leaving to go back to uni in another state…I am studying in another state until oct so I travel back and forth. One night he was joking around and said do you want to be my gf. He was only joking…he said he doesn’t want a gf etc. He also couldn’t understand what I wanted from him because I had just come out of a serious relationship and I was going interstate. I was really hurt by this because I really liked him and hoped that he would want a relationship with me. So anyway when I went to uni I sent him a message saying that I wouldn’t really have time for him now that I was at uni. I figured if Im single I want to go out and have fun, but if I did that and we had slept with each other and were still close talking everyday I would feel guilty. Mind you if he would have agreed to be exclusive and be ‘together’ I would be 100% faithful, I have never cheated and never will. So then I didn’t speak to him for a bit. Then I started the whole going out thing and picking up lots of boys (just kissing!). My friends at uni started picking on me in a joking way and calling me a tart. It was really the only way I could deal with the loneliness. I started seeing a guy, lets call him Bob and after a few dates one thing led to another….So then there was another one. Then I’d get the odd message from Jim saying that he misses my body etc (no he doesn’t miss me…he misses ….obviously!). So bob was a great guy, we had sooo much in common and I could tell he was the relationship type…not like Jim. But I just didn’t feel the chemistry like I did with Jim, bob felt more like a good friend I wasn’t attracted to him enough…but I wanted to give him a chance so I saw him for a few weeks. As the time that I was going back home for holidays came nearer Jim would keep on contacting me. I told myself I wouldn’t see him when I went back. Can I just add that during this time I was going out twice a week and each time I would get wasted. If you can imagine how drunk snookie was on her first night in jersey shore that is probably me every weekend. I wake up and don’t remember what I have done. So anyway I wanted to tell Bob that I didn’t want a relationship but I didn’t have the guts, so I went back home. That weekend I picked up a hot guy at a club and did some things, he wanted to go all the way but I said no. he ditched me!! He didn’t come to the next club with us!! Some men are pigs…anyway then I was talking to Jim a bit by this stage and still talking to Bob. Last week I ended up going to see Jim I stayed the night. We had a fantastic time and acted like a couple…he was always like that. So all those feelings for him came back…I really really like him. I heard from him on facebook the next day but it was nothing. So that night the night after I spent the night with Jim I went out with my girlfriend, she was planning to meet the guy from the previous weekend. They were so smitten over each other and I hated it. After spending the night with Jim and having those feelings back again I couldn’t deal with this. Watching them so into each other and me sitting there so bored I couldn’t handle it. So I did the worst thing. I called the ex. I knew he would come because he cares about me so much. So he came and picked me up and I ended up staying the night. I felt so disgusting because I had spent the previous night with Jim, I was still talking to Bob who had no idea what I was doing and now I had spent the night with my ex. The next night I ended up seeing the ex again and staying there. He knew we weren’t getting back together and it was just a lonely thing. So ever since then I can’t stop eating. I can’t deal with what I have done. The next day I messaged Bob and told him I didn’t want a relationship, because he was the decent guy who might have wanted a relationship. I didn’t bother messaging Jim because he made it clear he didn’t want a relationship so I didn’t feel like he was worth it. So this week I tried contacting Jim hoping he would suggest that we catch up again before I go back interstate, he was friendly and made conversation but didn’t make any moves even though I hinted that we were both home doing nothing on a Saturday night. I feel rejected because I really like jim. So Ive been desperately chatting to men on dating websites but hesitant to meet them because guys only want one thing. Well most do. I also feel rejected because I don’t have many single friends who want to hang out and go out, so this whole weekend Ive been home. It all goes downhill when I am alone but I don’t really have a choice because I have uni assignments to work on. I don’t feel like exercising (and it usually makes me happy) I just feel like eating.
I know that I need to be single for a while. I should not jump into a relationship, I am a mess. I am not myself. All of the above is so out of character you don’t understand. I have more respect for myself than this! What am I doing to myself and why is this so hard?! So at the end of the day now I am eating nonstop. Im scared to hop on the scales because I have gained a fair few kilos. And I know that it will just make things worse if I focus on my weight. I just need to stop eating crazy and eat normally for my health and not worrying about the way I look. I also had a stupid thought today like, oh I should just get fat because then I wont get boys and I wont have to worry about it. What is going on in my head?!! How can I deal with this without eating? How can I move on from these mistakes and learn from this?! I never want to do this sort of thing again. I don’t want to sleep with another man unless I know he is a guy I would get into a relationship with and I don’t want a relationship right now but I pretty much am struggling without male company. I have male friends…but its hard because they all have tried to hit on me in the past. Making me feel skanky if I hang around them like im giving them the wrong idea. Oh gosh this all sounds so bad. Deep down im really not this girl! Im a sweet, smart, loyal and down to earth girl! How do I get the real me back and get rid of this needy, skanky, alcoholic freak!!!

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