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Re: Need tips.....
May 3, 2011
crying...first of all, let me say up front - there is a HUGE differenc between caring for others and letting others walk all over you. Caring for others does not mean being a door mat. Look at it this way - how is allowing your boyfriend to go through life thinking it's ok to hit, curse at, and choke his woman and she will never leave, she should just sit there and take it? How is that giving him an important life lesson? How will he ever learn that if you don't treat people right, you lose them, if you sit there and be his door mat? What sort of favor are you really doing him? The truth is, people don't really like and don't really respect people who let them get away with doing whatever they want. They dont' see you as a nice person. They see you as an easy mark, a weak, helpless victim to be used and taken advantage of. You need to learn how to be truly nice. Giving, helpful, loving, but not a doormat. Self respecting and not easily taken advantage of. Those are the kind of people who are really respected, and loved for real.

I see a couple of things. I see you loving him for who you hope he'll be someday, not for who he really is. You're in love with some fantasy version of him that you've made up. And then you get mad at him for not being this guy you dreamed up, this imaginary guy you are pretending he can be. That's not really fair to him, but I'm not concerned with him right now. He's an abusive jerk and doesn't deserve to have you worrying about what's fair to him. Most of all, and worst of all, it's unfair to yourself.

This plays into the second thing. You keep thinking you can talk, cry, cajole, beg, plead, and love him into loving you, into being that dream fantasy man you so badly want him to be. But none of this has anything at all to do with reality. The reality is, he's a hateful, abusive, selfish jerk who doesn't really love you, who has no respect for you, who only keeps you around for convenience, and because you're the only woman around who will put up with his cruelty and abuse. The fairy tales we girls read when we're children lead us to believe that if our love is pure and strong and real and true enough, it will turn an ugly monster into a loving, wonderful, handsome prince. It will conquer all, and it will see you through anything, and has the strength to change a man. He'll love you and start being the man you want him to be if you can just find that one key, that one thing to do or not do that will open his heart and make him decide to love you the way you always dreamed he would. But there's only one thing to say to all that, sad, simple, but true - real life just ain't that way.

I agree that therapy is needed. Talk to your parents and see if they will help you pay for therapy. Tell them you want to be able to be strong enough to leave him, but you need help. If it will help you get away from him, they just might help pay for it. You need to work on your self esteem, and why you think so little of yourself, and why you would rather live in a hurtful, abusive situation just because it's familiar, rather than go out and make a nice, healthy unknown future for yourself. I really hope you get at the bottom of these issues and find someone who can help you fix them. You only have one life to live, and it's too darn short to be this unhappy, to deliberately choose to tie yourself to someone who is so mean and cruel and hurtful to you. Only you can free yourself, only you can choose to make your life better, and only you can go out and do it. I really hope you don't have to hit rock bottom like most people before you find the courage to do it. With this guy, rock bottom for you just might mean death. One day he might choke you so hard he accidentally, or purposely, crushes your windpipe. You could suffocate in a matter of just a few minutes. And then your young life will be over, and for what? Some sick, abusive guy who never really loved you. I hope it won't get that far with you. But it's up to you. Once you decide nothing in the world is worth having to live this way, and once you wrap your mind around the fact that this is how it will always be as long as you're with him, and once you stop hoping that he'll magically become the pretend, dream fantasy man you wish he would be, that will be the first step.

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