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Re: Need tips.....
May 5, 2011
I feel like you're trying to justify your weakness and what you're doing. You've said several times that you're sure other people have been in the same situation and have done the same thing as you. I don't know about the others, but I haven't! I might be the closest in age to you (not sure of the others' ages...I'm 28 and assume you're in your 20's??), and I'm just using that to show you that ANYONE can be strong. Yes, I have stayed in relationships longer than I should have, but none of them have been abusive or hurtful like yours. Mine were just "not right"... the guys weren't right for me and I knew we weren't meant to be together, but I found it hard to leave at first. I have never stayed in a relationship that was abusive and so harmful to me as yours is. You keep making excuses for WHY you can't leave and move out, but come on, we all know it's because you just don't WANT to leave yet. If someone was abusing me and I really wanted to leave, believe me, I would find someway... any way, to leave!!

To also put things into perspective for you, I HAVE left boyfriends that I was still very much in love with. One of them didn't treat me well and was fairly controlling and somewhat mentally abusive (I was 19-20), and I left him. It broke my heart as I still loved him very much, but I wasn't going to be treated badly. I had even moved to another country for him... so leaving him involved moving back to the U.S! Do you think that was easy for me?!? Of course not, but I deserved better... and it was the best decision I ever made. The second guy I had been with for a long time, we lived together, had a dog together...I thought he was "the one" and we were going to get married.However, we had some trust issues throughout our entire relationship as he lied to me and was not open or honest with me a lot of the time. Finally, I found out he had gone out to coffee (supposedly) with an ex of his. I decided that was my breaking point... any trust I had tried to build with him was officially gone... and I left. I was still absolutely in love with him and it was one of the most devastating things I had ever been through. It took me a long time get over, but guess what... I did! And believe me, I don't consider myself a really strong person at all. I am extremely emotionally sensitive. If I could do it, you could do it.

ANYONE, including you, is capable of doing anything. I know it's harder to leave someone you love, but that doesn't mean you can't. Your problem is you have absolutely no self-esteem and you honestly don't realize that you deserve better. You seem to have a pattern of bad relationships so you may not even realize that good relationships are a possibility for anyone.

You really, really need to get back into counseling. Self-help books can only do so much for you. You may read them and think to yourself "that's true... that makes sense", but when it comes to applying the things you've learned, that's much harder to do. You absolutely need counseling because you're not in a good place right now and you're not mentally healthy. You can never have a healthy relationship until you are healthy yourself.

I know it seems the advice you're getting lately is harsh, and it is. Honestly, I know many of us are sick of the whole "crying wolf" game. You come on here complaining, telling us absolutely horrible things your bf is doing to you, tell us you're leaving, then you either leave and go back or don't leave and say "we had a cuddle tonight... he's being nice". It gets extremely frustrating for all of us to be on here and watch this and give you the same advice over and over again only to have it ignored. You seem to be putting too much into this message board by telling people to "help you be strong". We can't help you. We are, in fact, strangers. We can give you advice and share stories and words of encouragement, but that's all we can do. And that is ignored by you over and over again. You need more help than a message board can give you. You need face-to-face contact with people... family, friends, counselors, etc.
Re: Need tips.....
May 5, 2011
[QUOTE=Mary83;4747159]I feel like you're trying to justify your weakness and what you're doing. You've said several times that you're sure other people have been in the same situation and have done the same thing as you. I don't know about the others, but I haven't! I might be the closest in age to you (not sure of the others' ages...I'm 28 and assume you're in your 20's??), and I'm just using that to show you that ANYONE can be strong. Yes, I have stayed in relationships longer than I should have, but none of them have been abusive or hurtful like yours. Mine were just "not right"... the guys weren't right for me and I knew we weren't meant to be together, but I found it hard to leave at first. I have never stayed in a relationship that was abusive and so harmful to me as yours is. You keep making excuses for WHY you can't leave and move out, but come on, we all know it's because you just don't WANT to leave yet. If someone was abusing me and I really wanted to leave, believe me, I would find someway... any way, to leave!!

To also put things into perspective for you, I HAVE left boyfriends that I was still very much in love with. One of them didn't treat me well and was fairly controlling and somewhat mentally abusive (I was 19-20), and I left him. It broke my heart as I still loved him very much, but I wasn't going to be treated badly. I had even moved to another country for him... so leaving him involved moving back to the U.S! Do you think that was easy for me?!? Of course not, but I deserved better... and it was the best decision I ever made. The second guy I had been with for a long time, we lived together, had a dog together...I thought he was "the one" and we were going to get married.However, we had some trust issues throughout our entire relationship as he lied to me and was not open or honest with me a lot of the time. Finally, I found out he had gone out to coffee (supposedly) with an ex of his. I decided that was my breaking point... any trust I had tried to build with him was officially gone... and I left. I was still absolutely in love with him and it was one of the most devastating things I had ever been through. It took me a long time get over, but guess what... I did! And believe me, I don't consider myself a really strong person at all. I am extremely emotionally sensitive. If I could do it, you could do it.

ANYONE, including you, is capable of doing anything. I know it's harder to leave someone you love, but that doesn't mean you can't. Your problem is you have absolutely no self-esteem and you honestly don't realize that you deserve better. You seem to have a pattern of bad relationships so you may not even realize that good relationships are a possibility for anyone.

You really, really need to get back into counseling. Self-help books can only do so much for you. You may read them and think to yourself "that's true... that makes sense", but when it comes to applying the things you've learned, that's much harder to do. You absolutely need counseling because you're not in a good place right now and you're not mentally healthy. You can never have a healthy relationship until you are healthy yourself.

I know it seems the advice you're getting lately is harsh, and it is. Honestly, I know many of us are sick of the whole "crying wolf" game. You come on here complaining, telling us absolutely horrible things your bf is doing to you, tell us you're leaving, then you either leave and go back or don't leave and say "we had a cuddle tonight... he's being nice". It gets extremely frustrating for all of us to be on here and watch this and give you the same advice over and over again only to have it ignored. You seem to be putting too much into this message board by telling people to "help you be strong". We can't help you. We are, in fact, strangers. We can give you advice and share stories and words of encouragement, but that's all we can do. And that is ignored by you over and over again. You need more help than a message board can give you. You need face-to-face contact with people... family, friends, counselors, etc.[/QUOTE]

Wow, my hat off to this post! This is a very weighty post, anyway. There is a lot of food for thought in it. Actually, it all boils down to a power issue.
Ask yourself why you are giving so much power over to this man in a way that he is controlling your emotions and then again your own life. Until you can regain your own self-power, your life will be no more than a poor representation of what it could be.





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