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Hi,

I really need some help to understand my girlfriend better and hopefully someone here can give me some good advice. I will really appreciate it!

I am involved in a long-distance relationship with a lady. We have been dating for about six months and I am madly in love with her. The issue is that she has many male friends and I sometimes have a problem understanding her...

To make a very long story short... She told me today that she has no problem with going away on holiday or for a weekend with a male friend and sharing an apartment with him, if he is only a friend, have never tried anything with her and she has known him for many years.

I trust her 100%. I know she has many male friends... I don't mind her having lunch or dinner with a male friend. I don't even mind her texting or emailing old boyfriends. But, spending the night alone with another guy (a friend) in an apartment is where I draw the line. It does make me feel jealous, I am being honest. I do not find it is correct. I find it inconsiderate and disrespectful.

Like I said, I do trust her 100% but I don't know her male friends. I simply do not feel comfortable with my girlfriend sharing an apartment for a night or longer with another guy.

She said my view on the issue is stupid and she does not see anything wrong with spending a night/nights in an apartment, alone with a male friend. She told me I am being intrusive, controlling and that if dating me means always explaining, clarifying and justifying her actions that she is not interested in dating.

I said to her that, in my mind, 99,9% of all guys would have a problem accepting their gf going away for a weekend or longer with one of her male friends and sharing an apartment with him. Her reply was that she would then rather go for the 0.1%.

I have a personal rule... I will never tell her what to do. I can only tell her how it makes me feel. I am quite hurt than when I told her about my misgivings that I am then told they are "stupid".

She said it really bothers her that I am being jealous.

I don't understand... I love her so much and I think she really loves me too. As I said, I don't mind her having male friends and going out with male friends. But, spending the night alone with a guy in his apartment? I just don't find that is right.

Her argument is that if she is going to sleep with another guy it might as well happen at any time and place and that she does not need to spend the night alone with a guy in an apartment for it to happen.
I think I can see her point. But, I still don't find it correct. Here is how I see it > I trust her so I don't mind if she meets a male friend for coffee or dinner. But, since I trust her, does that mean I should not mind her going away on holiday with this male friend and sharing an apartment with him? For me that would be crossing the line, even though it's true she can cheat on me any time if she wants to and I will probably never know.

Please give me your honest opinion. Am I just being paranoid and jealous? Should I just accept the fact that it's okay for my gf to spend one night or several nights alone with a guy in an apartment.

And, secondly is the way she reacted when I told her about how I felt normal. Was I so out of line that she can be forgiven for calling my misgivings stupid?

Thank you very much in advance!
[QUOTE=cryingforever;4753871]Ask her how would she feel if it was the other way round? hmmm see how she answers that. bet she would say ''i'd be fine with it'' yeah right. You have every right to be concerned. Her lack of understanding and her comments of saying your feelings are stupid tells me that she isnt a very nice considerate person and not worth been with.[/QUOTE]

LOL, you're right... She did actually tell me that she would be fine with it.
Personally, I doubt she would find it acceptable if it would really happen...

The problem I have with this situation (apart from the harsh way she responded to me) is, where do you draw the line?

She wants me to trust her (I do) and told me that if I care about her I wouldn't be jealous. So, in her mind it's okay for her to go out / away with a male friend and spend the night alone with him in an apartment.

What if this guy is an old boyfriend? What if he is a new "friend" that she only met one month earlier? Would it still be okay to go away with him and spend the night alone with him in an apartment? I don't think so.

Using her argument of "trust me and if you care about me you wouldn't be jealous" I can tell her that my secretary is a friend and that we are going to go away on holiday and that we will be sharing an apartment. But, she should trust me and this shouldn't make her jealous because she cares about me. (Btw, I would never do something like that).

In my opinion, it's absurd! I don't see how I can be happy in such a type of relationship.

I honestly don't believe she will cheat on me. But, I don't understand how she can find my misgivings stupid. They way she said it, she might as well have said 1 + 1 = 2. She sounded so sure of herself.

Thank for for commenting! It makes me feel that I am not so stupid after all.
So if your jealous that means you don't care about her? Hmmm shes got that wrong there. Obviously you care about her or this wouldnt bother you. Shes been silly and turning it on you as if your the bad one (for caring, been concerned). I very much doubt she would be okay with it if you was with another girl in an apartment. Usually if 'friends' stay in an apartment (girl/boy) they have different rooms. If they do then thats not too bad but if they share same room that sounds abit fishy to me. I dont think you can get past this concerns about her and this guy (and i dont blame you) therefore i think you should find a better relationship because this woman just sounds selfish and not considerate. Maybe suggest ''Ok then can i go in same room as you and him in this apartment and come along to where ever your going'' lol.
My gf has made it clear to me in the past that she will not prevent herself from seeing her male friends just because it may make me jealous. I do understand her and I have no problem with her having regular contact with her male friends.

She has known most of her male friends for several years, I think, long before we started dating. I have never had a problem with her going to a party, a movie or out for dinner and drinks with a male friend.

The only thing I have asked her in the past is that I don't want to feel that she has lots of time for other guys and very little time for me. I once heard a guy say something that struck a cord with me. He said "when you start competing with other guys for the time, attention and affection of your girlfriend then it's the beginning of the end." So, I don't mind her spending time with her male friends, as long as she has time for me as well.

Personally, I find spending the night alone with a male friend in an apartment is crossing the line. I trust her but for me that is going too far. I find it disrespectful.

She does not agree...

My only reason for posting my question is to get some advice. I know how I feel but I thought maybe I am missing something and that someone may post something helpful that I have not thought about and that may help me to understand and even to accept her behaviour. So far I have not read anything like that.

The way I feel right now I do not see how this relationship is going to be fulfilling for me in the long term. But, I love her and do not want to make a rash decision. I want to think it trough carefully and hear what other people think so I can make an informed decision.





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