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Angry boyfriend :(
May 21, 2011
I am 23 and have only been seeing my boyfriend of 22 for 3 months. He is an angry man, often having outbursts over the pettiest of things. I have also learnt that I should barely speak to him last thing on a night and first thing on a morning. At first I put it down to him not being good when tired, but I am beginning to wonder if his problems are deeper rooted...?

He has become insecure and often tells me he doesn't think I love him and needs constant reassurance from me. He also reads between the lines on text messages and makes something out of nothing.
It is his anger that worries me, and I have told him this. It has gotten to the point where he now knows that if it happens again, unless he gets professional help I am gone, no matter how much we care for each other. I want to help him and not antagonize these angry outbursts, but when he is on one I actually hate him.

He petrified me the other day in the car screaming at the top of his lungs whilst I was driving. Reduced me to tears and I was shaking like a leaf. I am a calm person, so do not respond when he shouts at me like that and calls me names and swears. When I do speak he finds me patronising because of my calm tone.

After the angry outbursts I give him time to calm down, and it is after this point when he will break down into tears saying he's a bad person and that I deserve a better boyfriend. I agree with him that I do deserve better and he knows this. He was mortified that he had frightened me in the car and says that was not his intention for screaming at me. If it happens again I am telling him to persue anger management classes (as he had when he was 15, but quit as he felt they were pointless)....if he doesn't go for them then I am gone.

It's difficult because we have a lot of feelings for each other and when he's not angry he is the best man I have ever met! Sweet, polite, warm, loving, caring and funny. I don't think he would ever do anything to hurt me, he cannot tell me this enough. However how can I ever be 100% that he wouldn't hurt me if he says he has little to no control over his anger in the first place?

I'm not used to this situation, but does it sound like I'm handling it correctly? Or does anybody have any advice on how to deal with him if he does get angry of ir there's anything I can do to prevent it from happening in the first place? x
[QUOTE=broon1988;4759718]
It's difficult because we have a lot of feelings for each other and when he's not angry he is the best man I have ever met! Sweet, polite, warm, loving, caring and funny. I don't think he would ever do anything to hurt me, he cannot tell me this enough. However how can I ever be 100% that he wouldn't hurt me if he says he has little to no control over his anger in the first place?

I'm not used to this situation, but does it sound like I'm handling it correctly? Or does anybody have any advice on how to deal with him if he does get angry of ir there's anything I can do to prevent it from happening in the first place? x[/QUOTE]

He wouldn't do anything to hurt you? Well, doesn't it hurt to be petrified, shaking like a leaf, your stomach in knots, embarrassed, humiliated, not really knowing if he will actually smack you in the mouth? THAT doesn't hurt? The fact is, he does things to hurt you all the time. You don't have to ball up your fist and punch someone in order to abuse them.

You're stuck in the slot machine mentality. The "sweet, nice" blah blah stuff keeps you putting in quarters and pulling that handle. You get just enough quarters back to keep playing, but you'll never get that jackpot of Mr. Sweet and Loving all the time that you're looking for. that's a VERY unhealthy mentality to be in. You ask if there's anything you can do to stop him from getting angry in the first place. Seriously??? Can you imagine what life would be like if we really truly had that much control over another person's emotions? No. There is nothing you can do to "deal" with him or to stop him from getting angry in the first place. His anger is his issue. It didn't start with you, it won't stop with you. he needs to address it and fix it, if he ever decides he should, but it's not your problem to fix. And honestly speaking, it may not be romantic, but the truth is, the best way to "deal" with someone when they get outrageously angry at you for no good reason, is to get up, walk away from them, and not have them in your life anymore.

Soran is right. What you see is what you get. Personally, I would never invest so much emotion, time and energy into a man I'd only known 3 months. Man, this is the time when it's supposed to be new and exciting, fun and sexy. It's only been three months and you're already acting like it's your job to fix him, to heal him into being the man you want him to be, to love him into loving you. But that's just not how it works. He's not the man you were hoping he was. You keep saying "the next time" but how many next times have there already been? You sound a lot younger than I am, so i don't mean to judge. If I were still in my 20s and hadn't yet learned life lessons, I might be inclined to do the same thing you're doing. BUt I'm in my mid 40s now, and I just don't have anymore time for garbage like this. The first time he raised his voice to me I'd tell him "do that again and I'm gone" and the second time, I'd be gone. Period. I've learned that men are who they are. You can't fix them, you can't change them, you can't save them, and you can't love them into loving you.





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